Diaries of a suicidal mind(Under editing)

5 October 2013

Dear diary,
A friend of mine called me worthless and yet I'm still wondering what have I done to deserve to be treated like this.
When will everything be alright? I have been hoping too much for things to get better, yet it's all the same, painful, depressing routine; wake up tired, drag yourself to school, face people, walk down the hall to class, face glares, try not to get noticed, ponder in class, go home, sit in your room and ponder more.

Loneliness destroys me, you see, when I'm alone, I'm thinking, and when I'm thinking, it's always about the past, the past is not now, and it makes me so angry, and then I'm worried about the future, and I become anxious, madness and anxiety never mixed well together, and that's why, once again, I ended up bleeding on the bathroom tiles.

Dinner: a horror; you see, I've been trying to get rid of some body fat, yes, I'm insecure, and trust me it's not just my body, It's everything. One day I'm actually proud of what I look like, I see another pretty girl and I'm just like: I am flop. it hurts, not being comfortable in your own skin.

"Lenny you sure you don't want to eat?  I never see you eating when I'm around" my mom woke me from my daze.
I kept silent for a couple of moments, It's hard to explain to your mom you're not hungry-you are but you just don't want to add up more calories and it's just complicated.
"I ate a lot at school, I'm not hungry but in case i did, i'll make myself a sandwich" 
It works every time.

I went back to my room, my reflection in the mirror caught my attention; I took a look at myself, saw the reflection that I never wanted to name as mine, it is me, it just doesn't feel like it is. 

At this point I'm wishing things are now the way they were before: cheerful.

I took my phone out, scrolled through my very small contacts list, I need a distraction from myself, and I need it now.

I couldn't find myself some company, my thoughts kicked in once again, and it's so hard to shut them up. 

I just realized that I'm alone, I just realized that I have no one to talk to, explain my pain, I can't explain the pain I'm going through, maybe it's stupid, I'm stupid, do I even have friends? why can't I stop this misery.

I collapse on the floor, I bring my knees to my chest and sob, feeling so down and useless, rocking myself back and forth, my nails digging into my skin, it doesn't hurt. It does, but I'm too powerless to care.

I went to the bathroom, took a cold shower to calm myself down, my eyes are sore.

3:37 AM

I can't sleep. Make the voices stop. please.