There's No Accounting For Love

Chapter Sixty Five

Clare was devastated. That was it then. He was not going to give in, but neither was she. It was over. There would be no wedding and no possible children. She lay on the sofa and cried softly into a cushion. Why was life like this? Why was there always something? Perhaps she was being stupid, perhaps it wouldn't matter if she slept with him? She wanted to. Much more than she was willing to admit. Then she thought 'No, why should I give up my principles for him? If he doesn't understand that's his problem. What sort of person would I be, if every time someone else opposed my beliefs I changed my mind? It would be pointless having any beliefs in the first place. I would never get anywhere!'

Nevertheless, she was deeply hurt. After all the ups and downs. After all those months of him not telling her how he felt, it was over. Clare sobbed and sobbed, but eventually she prepared for bed.

* * * * * * * * *

Up in Flat No. 12 Alan was still fuming. It was too early to go to bed, but he decided to go anyway. There was nothing worth staying up for. Clare was maddening! He had waited all this time and now she was playing games. That was what it seemed like. They were thirty one years old, for goodness sake!

He was too upset to sleep. He lay in the bed tossing and turning for a while. Suddenly, out of the blue, a vision of the fire flitted through his mind. They could have been killed that night at the hotel. It must have been God who saved them and there was he throwing it all back in His face. Clare had said several times how the door had sprang open, in a peculiar way. Alan loved Clare too much to let her go out of his life. He would never find anyone like her again. She was so sweet, lovely and caring. What more could a man ask for?

Alan quickly dressed and went out on to the balcony. He looked across to Clare's flat and saw that there was a light burning; it was 2.30 am, but obviously she was still up. His mother's words rang loudly in his ears "Go on Alan, say sorry, it won't hurt!"

He must have been an awful child, all those expressions he remembered. Although he always managed to keep clean, he'd been such a rough little boy. He'd often hurt Clare, pulling and tugging at her, it was a wonder she'd liked him at all. Alan felt an awful pang of remorse. He couldn't lose Clare, not now. If she was still up, he would go and apologise and hopefully she would forgive him.

* * * * * * * * * * ** *

There was a knock on Clare's door. She knew it would be Alan and was not prepared to let him in.

"If that's you Alan, you can go away, I don't want to speak to you and what are you doing calling at 2.30 in the morning? It's very uncivilised." she called through the door.

"I saw your light on," Alan whispered "Please let me in, we need to talk."

"But I don't want to talk to you, I've had enough of you."

"Please let me in! I'll stay here knocking loudly until you let me in and then we'll wake up the neighbours and then there'll be trouble! I really need to talk to you. Please?"

She reluctantly unlocked the door and Alan stepped into her hallway. She was wearing a white nightdress and on top, a pretty, white cotton dressing gown, which she buttoned up quickly.

She walked into the lounge and Alan followed. She sat down on a chair with Alan standing over her, while she looked down at the floor. She imagined her eyes and nose were red from crying and she still felt very upset.

"I've come to apologise." Alan said. "I'm so sorry, really sorry! I do love you and I won't lose you over this. It's too stupid for words. I promise I won't mention it again."

"I've heard that before, it didn't mean anything then and I don't expect it means anything now."

"No, I do mean it. I don't want to lose you." He pulled her to her feet and lifted up her chin with one hand so that she faced him and held her hand with the other. He looked straight into her eyes.

"I swear that I won't mention it again, Clare and I won't lay a finger on you until our wedding night. I promise. Please wear the ring." He took the ring from his pocket and looked enquiringly at her. "Please?" he said again. "You do love me, don't you?"

"I don't know, Alan. I'm not sure" said Clare tearfully and she looked away from him.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me." said Alan quietly.

Clare looked at him, he was being very serious, deadly serious. She tried to say she didn't love him, but it wasn't possible. She did love him. She always had and she always would.

"Please forgive me and please take back the ring. I'm stupid and selfish.  Your feelings do matter to me, of course they do."

Clare was too upset to speak, but she held out her hand and Alan gently pushed the ring onto her finger. "Please say you forgive me, Clare?"

Clare swallowed hard. She had a lump in her throat and tears still in her eyes as she said with difficulty "I forgive you."

They kissed and made up and Clare cried. Alan felt like a heel. He hadn't had that feeling for quite a while! Alan made them both a cup of coffee and they talked until 4 am about all sorts of things and eventually, happy with one another again, Alan returned to his flat.

Clare climbed into bed and thought what a hyprocrite she was. She wanted him so badly and yet she was unable to say that to him. She had said to him before, "feelings are okay so long as they don't get out of control." She would make sure her feelings didn't get out of control, but it wouldn't be easy. Alan, after all, was one of the most irresistible men she had ever met and not only that, she loved him so desperately. But soon, he would be hers, after all of these long years, he would be her husband. Providing, of course, they didn't have another falling out.