There's No Accounting For Love

Chapter Twenty Three

Dedicated to Spacebb

The day of the funeral dawned and it was even more dreadful than Clare imagined. The rain fell steadily from a dark grey sky. 'Even the angels are weeping,' she thought. The funeral was to take place at 3.00 pm. At 2.15 pm Clare was standing in her bedroom, their bedroom, wondering how she could possibly get through the rest of the day. 'God must help me,' she thought, 'otherwise I'll die.'  She lifted the lid of her mahogany box and drew from it the dainty platinum cross, studded with diamonds, which Hal had given her on their honeymoon and fastened it around her neck. It seemed fitting that she wear it today in Hal's memory.

Sandra and Stephen arrived with the children to give their support. Sandra had insisted the children come too. They were a family and families went through everything together, was Sandra's take on life. "They will only wonder what's going on and it will be worse for them imagining things" she'd said and Clare had agreed.

When the funeral cars arrived Clare started to weep uncontrollably. It was upsetting for the children.

"You don't have to go, Clare." said her mother.

"Of course she must go." said Sandra, angry at the suggestion. "She has to face up to this, of course she must go and say goodbye." Tears glistened in her eyes as she spoke. Clare summoned up all of her energy and said a silent prayer. "Oh Lord, please help me. I can't face this without you." After five minutes, she calmed down. "Come on, let's get it over with." she said.

They walked out of the front door and climbed into the funeral cars. The procession slowly began, their car following the hearse. Placed on top of Hal's coffin was a cross of blue and white flowers, ordered by Clare and the hearse overflowed with flowers from family and friends.

They arrived at the church and emerged from the cars. By now, Clare was in a dream-like state and she felt all the strength drain from her body. As she stumbled forward, Kathy and Stephen held onto her arms, on either side. The worst moment of the day was when they waited at the church door. As the pallbearers lifted the coffin onto their shoulders in readiness to carry it into the Church, Clare felt a plucking sensation in her heart and she wept silently, tears streaming down her face.

As the family made their way to the front of the church and sat in the pews, Hal's coffin was placed before the altar. The service seemed endless to Clare. She felt too weak to stand up and it was impossible for her to sing any of the hymns. She just wanted to run away and hide. The children sat near her and Sandra was holding Toby, but Clare took him from her and sat him on her knees. She kissed and cuddled him and stroked his soft, dimpled hands and he helped her through to the end of the service.

The church was packed with people, all wishing to pay their last respects to her wonderful husband. She noticed Bob and Helen sitting with Alan and some of the others from the office, near the back of the church, but she felt too drained and exhausted to acknowledge them. At long last they left the church and again her mother and Stephen held onto her tightly.

They arrived at the cemetery after a short drive and there, against her wishes, Hal was lowered into the dark, damp earth. It was still raining steadily. The vicar said some horrible words, which she hated and then a prayer. They stood around and threw earth onto the coffin. Clare was crazy with anger. How dare Hal leave her when she loved him so? And as a final act of defiance, against God or Hal she didn't know which, she tore the cross and chain from her neck and threw it angrily onto the coffin amongst the clods of earth. Angie was standing nearby and she started to say something, but Clare saw her mother touch her arm and shake her head as if to say, "leave her be."

They stopped for a while to look at the many bouquets of flowers. There were also two wreaths, one from the offices of Dixon and Halfpenny and one from the University, from Hal's friends and colleagues.

Clare gathered the children together, taking Toby from Sandra's arms and took them back to the car. They chatted and wriggled, as children do and Clare found their presence very soothing. Whatever happened, children were children and she loved them for it.

Many people returned to the house with the family, but Clare found it difficult. She said very little, shaking hands with everyone as quickly as possible. There were aunts and cousins of hers; friends and colleagues of Hal's; neighbours of theirs and neighbours of her mother, Samantha and Brian Black. Some of Clare's Colleagues from the office also came, looking solemn; Mark with a red-eyed Jessica; Bob Dixon and his wife, Helen; Angie and Matthew, of course, and Alan who arrived later than everyone else.

Clare sat in the Conservatory, as far away from everyone as she could. This was too much to bear. Her nerves were now at breaking point and she felt like screaming. Alan came in and sought her out, handing her a glass of juice and a plate of food. "You must eat something Clare. Please try." She could tell by the look on his face that Alan was upset. He was also finding this difficult. Suddenly a flood was unleashed. In great anguish, tears coursed down her face and sobbing bitterly, she got up and ran stumbling from the room.