Masquerade (Liam Payne)

Chapter 34 ~ Tammy

Chapter 34 ~ Tammy 

No. No. No. No. No. This isn’t happening. No. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. No. I just. Oh God, no. Please, no.

I pace across my room, running my hands desperately through my hair, fighting to keep breathing, to stay calm but I can’t. I know what I said for that interview, but I never expected I would be in love with Liam, I never thought this was going to happen. When I called the paparazzi the first times I never imagined it was going to come back to bite me in the arse. No. I never suspected this would end up like this. I had even forgotten about the whole magazine! I was just being so happy, I was living a life that I never thought I could have. I had Liam and I was happy with him… but I ruined it. I ruined it since the moment I met him.

Oh God, no.

My knees fail me and I end up on the floor, shaking but I don’t cry, the shock makes me numb as I try to make sense of all what just happened. Liam… us… it’s over. He said it. It’s over. I always knew it wasn't going to last forever, but I didn't think it was going to be so brief. I thought we were going to have more time. I hurt him, I betrayed him, I made him hate him and yes, I deserve that for being the arse I am, for being so stupid. I did use him, I just didn’t care enough about him at the beginning to think of my actions. Grimmy said he was famous and that I could get something with that. I never thought I was going to feel like this… I never thought my actions when I met him were going to weigh now on my shoulders.

I knew I was going to eventually lose him, but I didn’t think it was going to hurt like this. I— I feel like a hand came with claws and grabbed my heart, ripping it off of my chest mercilessly and now I’m bleeding out. I’m empty inside, there’s a hole where my heart used to be and I don’t know what to do now. I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop hyperventilating and I know how dangerous that is. And I have no one to call. Liam would be the only person I trust to see me like this… but it’s over. It’s over.

“Oh fuck!” My hands fly to my open as a sob escapes and the shock starts to leave room for the heart-breaking pain… and the tears.

What am I going to do now? Liam brought life and light to my life and now he is gone, and he took it all with him. I don’t even have Ray with me! All what has brought me a tad bit of happiness is gone now and I’m alone, alone in this black pit that is eating me alive. I feel like screaming but I can’t, I’m only sobbing, shaking as everything starts to spin around and I start to get dizzy.

Bruno left me when he chose the drugs over me. Ray left me because Social Services took him away. Liam left me because I stabbed him in the back. Out of the three, Liam hurts me the most and I can’t accept this. I can’t see him walk away. I can’t let him go but how do I fix this? How can I apologise to him? How?!

I bury my face in my hands as the spams take control over my body.

So much loss, so much pain, so much loneliness. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been alone for twenty-one years, I’ve only known hatred and disappointment and I can’t bare the idea of Liam looking at me like that. I’ve lost Bruno, I’ve lost Ray and I may not get him back… I can’t also lose Liam. I just can’t.

I didn’t mean this… I didn’t want to hurt him. I warned him, I told him I was bad for him but he didn’t listen and I fell for him and I let him in and I can’t let him go now and I don’t know what to do and I’m freaking out!

I feel like running but I can’t move. All my muscles are frozen and nothing makes sense anymore. What I’ve done… I— I never wanted this to happen.

I can’t lose Liam. I can’t… I just can’t.

+ + + + +

I’m not sure what happened last night. I have a blackout and all I know is that I’m laying on the floor and my head is killing me, but the pain in my chest is worse, far worse and as I remember why, it becomes unbearable.