Masquerade (Liam Payne)

Chapter 22 ~ Tammy

Chapter 22 ~ Tammy

Liam asks “what happened to you?” and my guts twist. The memories are fresh and horrible in my mind, playing before my eyes over and over again, making the pain feel real one more time. Seeing Ray like that, in that bed, bruised up, still asking for his father… that is too much for me to handle. I thought it was over, I thought my past was buried and that it was never going to come back to me. I thought I had finished with that part of my life.

But I was wrong.

And I’m so exhausted of fighting the memories, tired of being strong and worn-out of the loneliness. Janet knows some things, but not everything and I never tell her how I feel. The last time I told somehow how I felt, last time I spilled my heart to someone was too long ago that I can barely remember. But I do remember how well it made me to open up, for a while I felt so light.

But I’m so alone now… I have people around me, but I don’t trust them enough. I can’t go and talk about this to Emma, she would never understand. Skyler lacks empathy and Leanne is so happy-go-lucky that she would only try to cheer me up, and I just need someone to listen.

Liam wants to listen, he wants to know, he cares… as stupid as that is, he cares. He thinks I’m worth a fight and that is so new to me. No one before has thought of me like that, not even myself. Why does he think I’m worthy of his efforts? I have no idea, but right now… today… I’m grateful. He is here, holding me because I’m not strong enough to see Ray like this, to see his situation so familiar and painful to me.

Hugging myself tightly, with my finger buried in the flesh of my arms, probably leaving some bruises, I breathe deep and close my eyes, preparing myself to let go of those memories that torment me every time I let my walls down. Normally, I can raise them up again, but today I can’t. I try but I fail, so I better let go so I can be stronger.

“My parents never wanted me, I was a mistake and they always told me that. They loved each other, I guess because they are still together, but they didn’t love me,” I say in a low voice and I know I’m shaking, my whole body hurts with the memories, the flashbacks of those times. “And they never failed at reminding me that, how I was a fucking mistakes, how they never wanted me, how I ruined their plans.”

“Tammy,” Liam whispers and I hear him step closer, but I get away from him. I can’t bear him —or anyone— touching me right now.

“Just let me finish… you wanted to know, so please, just listen right now, or I’ll just shut up.” He doesn’t say anything, so I take that as an agreement. I take another deep breath because the worst part is coming. “They hated me. I know that. Mum… Dad, they hated me. I could see it in their eyes, in the way they always yelled at me, in the wait they hit me. Dad was—is still an alcoholic and every time he got drunk, I ended up beaten up, sometimes in the hospital, just like Ray.” I have to stop in that moment, seeing Ray in the bed and remembering of all those times I was just like him lying to the doctors, telling them I tripped over. “I got many broken bones because of him and I ended up unconscious many times as well. Mum never stopped him and she could hit me without having to be drunk, just because she had a bad day, just because she was frustrated with her life. I was their punching bag.”

I’m shaking harder, I can’t control it and I try to breathe deep, but it doesn’t help. And only for that reason, when Liam hugs me from behind, tightly in his arms, I don’t fight him. He buries his nose in my shoulder but he doesn’t say anything. I’m not finished.

“All my infancy, I was an abused child. I couldn’t make friends in school because I missed many days as I couldn’t move after a beating. I failed many times and I had to do again a whole year. I was always afraid, always waiting for a new beating because I knew it would come. I couldn’t stop that. They hated me so much… but I couldn’t hate them, and for that, I hated myself, too. I even believed I deserved to be treated like that.” My voice breaks and Liam hugs me harder and I appreciate he does that, because I’m so deep in my memories it almost feels like I’m there again, being beaten up for no reason at all. It hurts, my whole body hurts, all those broken bones hurt again, but when Liam hugs me like that… he reminds me I’m here, in the present, and that I left all that behind. “But I reached my limit one day, when a nurse told me they knew my parents hurt me, but I had to speak if I wanted them to help me. But I couldn’t do that to my parents and I knew that I would bring them problems sooner or later, so when I was fourteen… I left home. I ran away.”