Masquerade (Liam Payne)

Chapter 27 ~ Liam

Chapter 27 ~ Liam

Leaving London, and Tammy, feels weird. It’s been only a week, but it feels so much longer. What we’ve been through is something so intense you just can’t ignore it happened and now that I’m away from her, from the hospital and everything else, I feel how every moment has drained me. I’m so exhausted but I can’t really sleep. You know when you are so tired so you can’t sleep yet that’s all what you want to do? Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. Plus, I’m worried and I can’t help it. I wonder if Tammy is doing okay. I know she is strong, I know she is capable of everything, but I know it must be hard and she’s been alone for so long… I don’t want her to be alone anymore. I want to be there for her every minute.

I know I’ve fallen for her. I started long time ago, since I saw her smiling at the kids at You Matter, but this time we shared, when she showed me every part of her being only made me fall harder and it’s tough not having her around. I wish everyone could see how beautiful she is, how lonely and broken she really is and how everything she does is just to protect herself.  But I know no one else will see that, because she will never allow it and no matter what I do, I will never erase everything that her family did to her. I can’t fix her past, but I can give her a better future.

I am scared, though. I’m afraid that when I come back, she will raise walls and won’t let me come in. I’m afraid that all what we’ve accomplished by now will disappear when I come back. I know it’s hard to tell whether we are together or not. In my book, we are. I don’t need to ask her to be my girlfriend to feel like she is and I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate if I do so. I know we’re not exactly friends and we’re beyond acquaintances; but I can’t be sure if she’ll let me hug her, kiss her when I come back. To be honest, I don’t know if I can go back to the way we were. After these days when we could be around each other so comfortably, being a couple, I can’t act different from that. After kissing her like that I can’t just ignore what happened and go back to distant people who only share a charity they support.

Tammy is so much more than what I ever imagined, so complex, so different, so special and maybe the fact that no one really understands her is what makes her so unique to me and I feel privileged that she shared with me things that she hasn’t told anyone else. It makes me feel special. But I’m afraid that just to protect herself and keep fighting, she will have to push me away.

When I finally land in Paris and Paul is waiting for me, all I want to do is sleep. I’m knackered and I feel like I haven’t slept in months and all I need is a bed. I miss Tammy and it was different to sleep with her. We never did anything but sleep. It just wasn’t the time to get that into the moment.

I know the lads will ask me loads of things, especially about Tammy, but I don’t think I can nor I want to answer. I know they don’t like her, so I don’t wanna fight with them. I don’t think I can stand people criticising her after all what she’s been through. She doesn’t deserve those comments but I can’t tell them why. Plus, Tammy asked me not to tell them and I respect that. I wish I didn’t have to do this, I wish I could tell them that there’s something between Tammy and I now, but I don’t want them trying to talk me out of this. I don’t want to explain them why I feel like this for her. I don’t understand it either, I just know I actually love her and it’s different from how I’ve felt before, because it has never been like this. I just don’t only feel like I want her and need her next to me, I also feel like I have to keep her safe from everything, I feel like I want to be the light in her life, the shelter she needs, that person she can call whenever she feels upset. I want to be for there like no one has ever been. And overall, I want to be her happiness because when she is happy, I am happy as well.

After avoiding the lads at the lobby and finally walking into my room, I take my phone and still a bit wary, I text Tammy.

I GOT SAFE & SOUND JUST TIRED —LIAM