Masquerade (Liam Payne)

Chapter 26 ~ Tammy

Chapter 26 ~ Tammy

I never thought I would say this, but I’m so glad Liam is with me. When he is around I can breathe because I know I have someone to rely on, someone who would hold me when I can’t stand on my feet anymore and although I’m recovering and getting my strengths back, it’s not the same. But when he is around, I feel better, I feel like I can put myself together and go on.

Janet called me, like she has done every day since I told her what happened to Ray. Leanne has called me to and Emma texted me. Even Sky texted me telling me she hoped Ray was okay and that she was sorry. I haven’t seen them since that day when Ray got beaten up. Our break couldn’t have been in a more perfect moment, right when I needed it. To be honest, I don’t think I’m capable of going back yet. To be the person I am in front of cameras and other people takes a lot of strengths that I don’t have yet, I’m too exhausted to put up with Tammy Rodenhizer. And now that Liam is leaving, I’m even less confident that I can go back just yet.

When Liam is not around, I can’t even sleep. I know it sounds pathetic, but he makes me feel safe and protected. Even if he is not in the same room, just knowing he is at my place makes me feel like I can relax because if something is wrong, he will be with me. I only sleep comfortably when he is around and I know I shouldn’t develop such a dependency, but I can’t help it. I’m tired and it feels good to lean on someone. And Liam helps me so much.

He went to his place to pack for tomorrow, he is leaving to Paris to meet with his band mates to keep with his tour. This is important and when he suggested he could stay longer, I didn’t allow him. I know I need him, but it’s his career. He can’t neglect that for me. I’m not worth that.

I try to take a nap while he is not around, but I can’t sleep. Not really. I can only think of how Ray is now in some orphanage, with people he doesn’t know, trying to go on with his life. I hope everything will be fine with him and I really hope I will be able to adopt him. I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to try. Marlene told me it’s hopeless, they would never let me have Ray, but I have to try. I know all the odds are against me, but I can’t just not try.

By the time the bell rings, I haven’t slept at all and I’m more restless than before. How am I going to sleep again when Liam is away? I guess we’re kind of together now, I mean… yeah, it’s weird, I don’t know how we came to this, but we’re together. I kiss him… he kisses me and I like that. I let him hold me and I know he sees us as a couple of some sort. I know I shouldn’t let him believe that, I should stop this for his own good. He is one of those good people, one of whom you can’t find anymore and I’m scared I may hurt him and ruin his life, but I can’t make myself push him away. I can’t. I know that’s the right thing to do, but I just can’t. That’s why I say I’m not good, because I can’t do what’s best for Liam when all he has done for me is the best. He has been the kindest person, he has done for me more than Bruno did! And I thought no one would treat me like that again. Bruno was nice and he cared for me, but he cared more for his addictions. When Liam looks at me I feel like I’m the most important thing in his world and I’ve never felt like that. Maybe that’s why I can’t push him away.

Groggily, I walk to the door not minding that I’m only in my underwear and a tank top that Liam gave me the night before. His clothes are awfully comfortable. I know it must be Liam at the door, no one else visits me and I know Janet is really busy, planning everything for us and trying to give me as much time as I need. I don’t mind that Liam sees me like this, he has seen the ugliest part of myself, he has seen me broken and with my soul exposed. If he sees me naked it wouldn’t be as significant.

When I open, I see him with a huge smile on his face as he holds a few paper bags with grocery shops and I try to smile at him, but I’m really tired. I step aside so he can walk in and he doesn’t pay me much attention, he goes right to the kitchen.