Love, Lies, Secrets and Manipulation (Divergent/Eric OC)

50. New Rankings

>>>>> Three Weeks Later >>>>> 

The keys jingle in my hand as my footsteps continue to echo through the large, empty training room. Like yesterday and the day before that, I walk over to the storage closet and unlock the door with the small set of keys Four let me borrow. Once I'm inside, I tuck the keys into the front right pocket of my pants, and I grab the heavy box of knives and carry it all the way over to table.

Usually, Four would never trust an initiate with the key to the room where the training knives are stored; but he knows as well as I do that I'm not just any initiate. I'm trustworthy and responsible, and not only that, but I, more than anyone else here, need some sort of an escape route to keep me from going insane. I need something to keep my mind focused, and Four understands that. So he lets me borrow his keys for about an hour a day so that I can come in here and throw knives at the target boards. He calls it "obsessed", but I call it "therapy".

Lately, hitting a punching bag or throwing a pointed knife seems to feel like the only thing I have to keep myself sharp. It helps me feel like I'm in full control without having to be careful. When it comes to these two things, I can let myself be as fierce and savagely violent as I want. Hell, I've just about worn the target boards all the way out from being so vicious with my knife-throwing skills. Pretty soon they're going to have to put up fresh boards.

I walk back over to the storage room and shut the door, then return to the table and begin laying out several sets of knives for me to throw.

It's been three weeks since I've discovered the truth about Dauntless leadership. Three weeks since I've become aware of the problem that's going on here inside Dauntless. And not once since then have I had a problem with any of my other fear simulations.

For a while, I was kind of nervous because I thought that maybe Eric and the rest of the leaders would show up in one of my simulations, but they haven't. I don't know if that's because I no longer fear them coming after me because I now carry a sharp pocket knife with me at all times and won't hesitate to use it, or if it's because I know for a fact that I'm clever, and, if necessary, can be more cunning, devious, and sneaky than any of them can ever be. And yeah, it might get a little exhausting being skillfully alert at all times of the day, but I'd rather be exhausted than dead.

What's surprising is the fact that Eric and I haven't spoken ever since the day he was in the simulation room with me. I think I've only actually seen him around a few times since then, and for those few times, I always turned around and walked away in the opposite direction. Maybe it was cowardly, but I didn't feel like bumping into him at any of those times. I just wasn't ready to face him yet. But still, it's a little surprising that he hasn't even tried to approach me or track me down. A part of me has convinced myself that he's probably just moved on to the next girl by now, but another part of me thinks that he's just keeping his distance because he has another way of knowing what I'm up to at all times of the him—surveillance footage. Either way, though, I'm at least glad the time apart has allowed me to grow stronger and realize that I don't need him in order to live.

I won't lie, there are times when I do find myself missing him. His smile, his laugh, his touch—all those things were genuine; I know that. I can't deny it even if I try. There was a time where he meant the absolute world to me. A time where I thought I needed him to live. But things have changed.

Three weeks have passed, but the one thing that still remains odd to me is the fact that I've only had the fear with Eric in it that one time. One time. Once. That's it. Out of my total of five fears, the fear where he kisses that girl right in front of me and tells me I'm not good enough is the only fear that hasn't reoccurred yet. It's strange. Four isn't sure why I haven't had it again, either. I'm thinking that maybe it's because that was the same day I found out the truth about him and the rest of the Dauntless leaders; maybe it's because the idea of Eric and I as a couple in love is no longer as important to me as it used to be.