Love, Lies, Secrets and Manipulation (Divergent/Eric OC)

38. Three Weeks Was All It Took

(Eric's POV)

Here I lie in bed, awake before dawn, Natalie asleep in my arms with her left arm draped across my torso. I watch as she sleeps so peacefully, so untroubled, free from any pain whatsoever.

If she ever finds out that I cheated on her, it'll completely destroy her. Everything we have, all the great moments we've shared together, it'll all be gone. She'll never be able to trust me ever again.

I broke my one promise to her, and I hate myself for that. I promised her that I'd never hurt her, or leave her. Regrettably, I did both of those things; she just doesn't know it yet.

For a brief period of time last night, I left our relationship, and acted as if I was my old self again. I was selfish, and thought only about myself, and my feelings. Never during those moments did I imagine how Natalie would feel if she ever found out. Not until it was too late.

Not only did I betray her, but I betrayed our relationship. I betrayed every good thing we had together, and most importantly, I betrayed her trust.

I can remember back to when I first met her, and her first week and a half here at Dauntless. Throughout that time, she didn't trust me for shit; she saw me only as someone who was no good, and someone who she should stay the hell away from.

Maybe I am no good for her.

Maybe she should've stayed away from me.

This guilt and shame that I now have to live with is already beginning to eat away at me. Pretty soon, I'm not even sure I'll be able to look her in the eyes.

As far as she knows, I'm the guy who's never supposed to hurt her. I'm the guy who she's supposed to feel safe and secure with; the guy who will never let anything bad happen to her.

Unfortunately, I was the one who caused something bad to happen to her.

She didn't deserve to be betrayed like that. I let my own thoughts and feelings get in the way of seeing what was right and wrong. My mind was clouded with doubt, my heart was imprisoned by insecurities, and lastly, my ears were filled with words that I had no intention of ever wanting to hear.

I made a mistake, and now, I'd do anything to take that mistake back. If I could rewind my life, or travel back in time to yesterday, I would do it in a heartbeat and undo what I did. Instead of leaving with Heather, I should have just left her and came straight home to Natalie.

I should have came home to my girlfriend, and talked to her about whatever was bothering me, whether it was something she was open to discussing or not. That wouldn't have ended in me hurting or betraying her. We would have found a way to be adults about the whole situation; we would have found a way to talk through it. That's what should have happened.

Instead, I let something else happen. Something unforgivable.

*** Flashback ***

With my lips attached to hers, and my right hand gripping her hair, I moan into her mouth as I find my release.

Her lips rip away from mine, and we both breathe for air. As I stare into her now-open eyes, nearly out of breath, I realize, this shouldn't be the girl who I should be with in this moment. I shouldn't be with Heather.