Fallen Darkness (Yatori fanfic)

Chapter 14

'It's 2 pm and since I came back from the clinic, I have been crying non-stop. My eyes are still red and my hands are shaking. I feel so weak, so fragile. I'm so tired. I'm tired of everything. Tired of crying, tired of feeling broken, tired of living.. '

My thoughts were interrupted as my uncle knocked on the door and entered. He saw me lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and he probably assumed I spent all of my day like that -which was true. I looked at him and got up slowly. He was all tired and weak, wearing black from head to toe.

"Is something wrong?" I said with a very weak voice.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but maybe you should start getting ready." I felt my heart breaking all over again in the thought that I was about to go to my father's funeral. I nodded and he left silently, closing the door behind him. I moved towards the closet, trying not to cry again.

'Crying is meaningless ', I reminded myself while looking at my mess in the mirror with a dead voice, and slowly took my clothes out of the closet. 'I can't cry forever. Crying is for kids. Crying doesn't matter. Crying means pain. I'm not in pain. I'm not in pain..' A small sound came out of my mouth, as I betrayed my words and let my tears flow down my cheeks, while hugging my clothes tightly.

I stayed there crying quietly for a few moments, as Yato's words came to mind: 'It's okay to cry, Hiyori. Crying is a natural response to pain, and I know you're in great pain now..' I started undressing and putting on my black clothes, while that whole day flashbacked in my mind. I could almost hear him say it all over again.

'...But that is why I'm here. I'll be next to you and I'll help you get through everything...' I stopped for a moment, and looked at the scars on my left wrist.

'...I want to see you smile...' My eyes flooded once again and I grinded my teeth.

'...I won't stop until you're happy '-

"Shut up!!! " I yelled and threw the hairbrush I was holding on the wall, as I covered my ears and shook my head. "Stop it!! Please!!! " I curled up next to my bed while still keeping my hands on my ears, and bringing my knees to my chest.

"You will never see me happy, Yato!! My life cannot be fixed..!! Everything is ruined, everything!!! Stop caring about me, please!! I'll hurt you...I'll hurt you too much!!!" I took a deep breath and hugged my knees.

"Stop it...Yato...Please..."

The funeral was a complete torture. I didn't have any more tears to cry, so I just remained silent, watching my father get burried. Like I have no heart. No soul.

On the way back home, I was walking a little further behind from everyone, dragging my feet and looking at the ground, when my favorite smell reached me. Before I even realized Yato was around, I had already seen him on the other side of the street. I looked at him and stopped for a second, but then every thought I had earlier in my room flooded my mind again, so I glared at him with a painful look, then returned my gaze to the ground and kept walking like a living corpse. I could almost see the curiosity in his eyes, as his smell slowly faded in the summer air.

As if Yato wasn't enough, while passing by the park, I saw everyone I thought I had gotten out of my life. Ami, Yama, some other classmates, even the bullies. For some reason, almost everybody that had hurt me was there. I acted like I didn't see them and kept looking at the ground, while I could feel their eyes watching me and hear their whispers. "Isn't that Hiyori? Why is she like that?", "Didn't you hear? Her father died", "I also heard she is depressed", "She has tried to kill herself", "What the hell is wrong with her? Weirdo much?", "Who cares, she deserved it anyway", and other comments like that reached my ears, while I was tightening my fist and biting my bottom lip so hard that I don't know how I didn't bleed.

Back at home, and after I let all of my feelings out..the wrong way, I was lying on my bed thinking of Yato.

'Yato can't stay with me. I will hurt him. I will hurt him too much. I already did. I just broke my promise. How can I face him? How can I look him straight in the eyes again? He will think I'm useless, dishonest, unfaithful. A failure. ' I turned on my side and stared at the wall.

'But..I love him. He is the one that has kept me going so far. He has helped me so much, even if I gave myself to him, there's no way I can ever repay him for what he's done. He saved my life. Will I be able to go on without him? ' Those thoughts were flowing through my mind for countless hours, until I felt so weak that I eventually fell asleep.

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