Nerve Wreck

Chapter 24

"Hey just try to calm down. You already apologized. What more can any of us do?"

"I know... ugh. I just wish I had a better handle on my damn emotions. It would've prevented so many things."

"True, but it's all in the past. Just try to work on it. Hey, I have to go but I'll call you later, cool?"

"Yeah. Thanks for hearing me out Hannah... bye."

'1am... guess I wont be sleeping huh...'

She fiddled with her phone as she sat on the carpet in her room. Nervous, she thought of all the reasons why her friends wouldn't forgive her. Thoughts of why she didn't deserve any of their forgiveness in the slightest. Memories playing in her head as she thought how much she has screwed up.

Shaking, she inhaled deeply and held her breath for a while, thinking on how to fix things. Exhaling her oversized puff of smoke she stared at the ceiling. Numb. That's all she wanted to be. She wanted to hide in a box and never come out. She wanted to stop breathing in that box...

Ding

Fishing her phone out of her oversized pocket, she pulled her screen down to see a text from Ivy asking how she was feeling. She huffed at the message and texted back a simple 'affirmative' as an answer. She got up and stretched before relocating herself into her bed hidden under the covers.

Ding

'Ugh...'

Alex

How did it go?

Jess

It was a disaster

Alex

What happened?

Jess

Everything.. I don't want to talk about it

Alex

Huh. OK. Well, when do I get to see you again? It's been a while. Are you still mad at me?

Jess

No I'm not mad. Idk I just don't feel like seeing anyone. I don't even want to go outside. Just move on. Let's make it a permanent break

Alex

Are you fucking serious right now? I don't hear from you at all since you said we were on a break and now you text me after weeks just to break up with me permanently? How fucking selfish are you? Over text. What's going on? I try to reach out and you always shut me out. Look, I'm not trying to "act like a girl" like you say but I'm worried... I may be a dude but I still have feelings and worry about you A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. Don't do this. We can figure something out. Whatever it is please. Not like this.

You have blocked this number

Sounds of crying didn't make it past her room door. Keeping the noise as minimal as possible she hugged herself and hid in the comfort of her bed. No friends, no boyfriend, no thoughts, no attacker, no parents, no doctor, no one but her knew what she was truly going through. Hah... boyfriend... ex now. Alone. Truly alone. Maybe she could learn how to fix herself this way.

Communication was far from her strong suit and it always took a toll on all the relationships she'd had. Sometimes her emotions engulfed her entirely and she'd lash out at her partners. She was always ashamed of that. She wanted to learn to control herself for the sake of those around her and her as well. She didn't want to lose control again. She didn't want to hurt those she cared for again. They didn't deserve any of it at all.

She always tried what was recommended and it would barely work. It wasn't worth all the trouble to her. She just wanted to get well. Without feeling like a burden. Without feeling like she was insane or a horrible person.

Numbness took over as she ran out of tears. Laying there seemed like the only thing to do that wouldn't require to much mental strain. Something was missing. Something was out of place. This itch in the back of her brain that she couldn't scratch frustrated her to the point of motivating her to go on a walk. 

She quietly left through the less noisy back door and walked to the front to the side walk. It was quiet. Mainly from how late it was and now few people lived in her newer neighborhood. Mainly because it was a bit on the expensive side. She liked not having noisy neighbors or annoying little kids playing outside being obnoxious. She smiled to herself as she thought about Terra's poor neighbors having to deal with all of her noisy yelling and music.

The wind died down as she trotted through her neighborhood for a while. What was she forgetting? Jessica thought but her mind gave up and began to think of other things again. Food. Her stomach then took control of her thoughts and so she found herself craving  the vinegar flavored chips she had bought earlier with her sister.

Turning around she began to head back home in a bit of a hurry to the food in the pantry. She got out her phone and saw Ivy had texted her again. This time, about going with her to a new brunch restaurant by the library.

'I guess I do actually have friends...' She thought, smiling as she replied to Ivys text.

Just then, a familiar car drove up next to her. Jessica got nervous and began to quickly walk away from the veichle at an attempt to avoid confrontation.

"Hey, Jessica. Wait.."

"What are you doing here. Especially this late. I'm sorry but I don't want to talk to anyone at all and actually, I was heading home. Just text me tomorrow what you wanted to say or something." She quickly said as she sped up her pace even more.

"Oh... if that's how it is..."