Can I just be alright for a little while?

41. Something in the darkness

Two weeks had passed since I lost everything I had. I spent most of my days and nights staring at the ceilings in my bedroom or in the living room, sometimes somewhere in between if I felt like the gravity pulled me down. The circles under my eyes reminded me of a zombie panda again and my lungs were probably over dosed by nicotine. Carla knew that I was completely out of order again so she gave me sick-leave and told me to stay home as long as I needed. I had talked with Rob a little but he wasn't really in a mood either. Eric also asked if there was anything he could do but no, there was nothing he could do anyway. The police had called me and asked if I wanted to start something against Aki but my mind was too messed up to deal with that bastard too so I told them I'd contact them once I was able to think clearly.

The TV was playing and I had watched already so many episodes of Criminal Minds that I could easily just murder someone and not get caught because I had learnt how to not leave any evidences behind. At some point I got tired of it and went to make myself some more coffee. Just as I had turned the coffee machine on, my doorbell rang. For a second I felt how my heart started to race faster because I was afraid it would be Jay but I was hoping that he'd be smart enough to stay the hell away from me. He knew how much it hurt to see Aki and Vilma behind my door so I just hoped that he wouldn't twist the knife to make the pain worse. So far I hadn't seen or heard about him and I wanted it to say that way. I did not want to see him ever again. Slowly I took my steps towards the door, trying to stay calm.

"Heidi it's me.." It was Joel. I sighed in relief and opened the door for him. He handed me a plastic bag with some take away food in it and took off his shoes and jacket. I looked into the bag and smiled a little, sushi from my favourite place..

"Thanks..."I said quietly and tried to smile. The movement felt so weird on my face that I wasn't even sure was I smiling. Joel has been checking on me daily and guess he was pretty much the only reason why I was even still breathing. There was something in him that kept me alive.

"How are you feeling?" He asked and took out some plates and bowls for the soy. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down, opening the boxes. I did not know how to answer. I felt nothing. I was completely empty but the emotional package I had was fucking heavy to carry.

"Still haven't slept?" he asked another question and I shook my head.

"As you can see.. " I pointed the circles around my eyes. Joel's eyes travelled on my face and I didn't even care that I looked terrible with my pale skin, dark circles and messy bun.

The man sighed and sat opposite to me. He gave me a plate and the bowl and I pushed the boxes to the centre of the table so it would be easier to share the food. I then took the chopsticks and reached for the first piece while Joel poured soy into the bowls.

"I have short day at work tomorrow, following few day offs so I though I'd take you to somewhere" he spoke quietly and took one piece of Philadelphia between his chopsticks. My hands were shaking and eating with these wooden sticks felt like the hardest thing in the world but I was too tired to get a fork or ask Joel to pass me one.

"I'm not sure would I be too good company right now..." I said and soaked the sushi in the soy for a good amount of time. Yes, I still loved the taste of the salty sauce. But the idea of going somewhere wasn't exactly on my do to list for the rest of my life. I wanted to stay here, safe and out of sight for all the Akis and Jays the world had to offer. I did not want to see anyone, well Joel was an exception and he managed to keep me alive. Seeing anyone else was out of question... All I really wanted to do was to get some sleep and stay here, behind these walls where I could just cry alone and forget that none of this ever happened. Yet we all know that it is impossible. It happened and I had to continue my life knowing that I was so fucking dumb to even think that there could ever be anything between me and Jay. Of course he saw so much more in Julia than in me.. I wasn't anything like her. I lacked everything.