Can I just be alright for a little while?

39. Blank and black

I couldn't sleep. No matter how good it felt to be held by Joel, falling asleep was hard. Knowing that this was going to be the first nights of many with insomnia, again, made me anxious and I was looking forward to the new addictions this was going to cause.
"Try to sleep..."Joel whispered behind me. He tightened his grip on me and his warm breath was hitting the back of my neck. Being next to him felt different comparing to anyone.. With Aki it felt like I belonged there because we were together for so long. Jay's body made me tingle every time he was near me because I felt so small in his strong arms, I felt like I was protected.. But Joel... There was some sort of comfort I had never felt before. Totally unknown land, yet to be discovered..

"I can't... " I said and turned on my back. Every time I closed my eyes the kiss between Jay and Julia started to play in my head so I thought it would be just easier to keep my eyes open to prevent seeing that image again. The street lights illuminated the room a little and created some stripes of lights on the ceiling. Joel sighed and I felt his hand on my stomach. We have never been in this situation. The closest we've been were the nights I drunk-crashed on his bed and asked him to cuddle with me. But being like this, now..Sober and broken.. Feeling his hand on my bare skin now.. It was like preventing my soul leaving from my body. The pain I felt was surreal and I was afraid I'd die if I was left alone now. Somehow Joel knew it. He did not leave even though I told him I wanted to be by myself. 

"Does it help if I say that I know how you feel..?" Joel asked quietly and shrugged my shoulders. Maybe? But the pain was still there. Did it really help? No. He had his own pain to deal with. I had to deal with mine. We could not transfer these feelings in a way that it would make my pain any lighter... He can tell me as much as he wants that he knows how it feels because yes, he does know how it feels. But my pain is still there, inside of me, and there was no way to suck it out.

"I fell for him... I thought he loved me too..." I was so drunk from the attention he gave me and I really thought he wouldn't hurt me, especially knowing how broken I already was. How Aki had fucked up with my mind by paying me all the nice visits.. And he does this. Let's another woman to kiss him right in front of my eyes.
"I know.. And I'm sorry that he treated you like that..."

I blinked my eyes like to prevent some tears to fall even tho my water tanks were empty.

"I have no one left.. " I tried to fight my emotions but without any result. I was a mess. I was feeling so much anger, hate, sadness, and who knows what more. I felt so much that I started to feel nothing. Just when I thought that my heart was healing, that I was healing.. This happens.. I lost Jay, I lost my band.. And we lost the competition.. I just wanted to die.

"You have me" I felt Joel squeezing my side and I looked at him but moved my eyes back to the ceiling quite fast. The wind was moving the trees and the shadows were dancing around the room. It looked beautiful. A little bit Halloween vibes but even that did not cheer me up. I was in the shadows. In the dark shadows. Losing my will to continue with this life. Lost in the darkenss and stuck in some dead end. There was no way out for me... My life felt like the Labyrinth board game, me being the token and Julia and Jay pushing new pieces here and there, causing me to run straight into walls and being stuck in the game, not getting out.

"You don't want me... " I sighed and and blinked my eyes again.

"I am so fucking broken that I can't be fixed... Damaged.. Destroyed..Emotionally so drained that I don't even know what to do.. " I said and turned my back at him. I closed my eyes and tried to shut down my mind but it was impossible. Joel still kept caressing my side and soon he pulled me from my shoulder, forcing me on my back again.

"I mean it, Heidi.. I am here for you.. " he whispered and his hand moved from my waist to my cheek. His warm hand cupped my cheek and his icy blue eyes kept coming closer and closer.