Can I just be alright for a little while?

4. Whiskey and cigarette

I came back with two bagful of groceries and luckily I did not bump into that Hokka guy again. Things already were weird with him and honestly, I just wished that somehow we would come and go in different times and live in piece without seeing or hearing each others. I unpacked the stuff to fridge and to the pantry and crashed on the sofa. It was half past nine already. I had done so much in past six hours that I got tired. Might also be because the lack of sleep even tho I slept over twelve hours last night, but it was still not enough to cover what I had missed. The TV was playing but like always, nothing worth to watch was on. My eyes were focused more into the ceiling than into the screen and my thoughts wondered back to all the flaws I saw in me. How ugly I was, how terrible person I was. Fucking Aki had really no idea how deep hole he threw me with his actions. Just as I had started to marinade myself with self-hate and everything else like that, my phone chimed.

Jay: Haven't heard about you for a few days. You ok?

Jay was my bandmate. I played guitar and sing, he did the screaming and occasionally played guitar as well. There was also Eric on the bass, Rob on the second guitar and Ben played the drums. We had been playing together over five years. It was actually Aki who first introduced me to Jay and the guys, because he knew how much I wanted to play in a band. Aki met Jay during his exchange year in UK and they kept in touch. Year after that Jay moved to Finland after his that time girlfriend and through some community he met Eric, Rob and Ben and they started to jam together regularly. Once Aki found out they had a band-a-like stuff, he told the guys that I also played guitar and sing, so they invited me over and we clicked. And that has been going on for years now.

Heidi: Sorry... Got into a bit situation here..

Jay: Wanna talk?

Heidi: I'll tell you tomorrow at practice..

Jay: Ok,.. well. There is one thing I wanted to tell you too

Heidi: Which is?

Jay: I got us a gig

Heidi: What? Where? When?

Jay: On the Rocks, next week's Saturday. It might sound a bit dumb but it is sort of competition, the winners will get a contract... That's what we want, right?

Heidi: Oh wow.. Okay.. I am so not ready for that but... Guess we can do it.. I'll talk with you tomorrow

Jay: See you

I threw my phone away and rubbed my face with my hands. I was so not ready for the competition. Not when my life was a mess and I hated myself. Competition. That word got stuck in my head. Like there wasn't already enough competition in my life. Like competing in a game of love where I seemed to suck. Or in the game of respect, where I lost again. Or in beauty where I also wasn't good enough. Fuck, I could go on endlessly thinking about the things where I sucked.

I stood up from the sofa and walked to the bar cabinet. The bottle ofJack was there, untouched until this moment. I took the bottle and a whiskey glass, and walked to the balcony. I poured myself a little bit of the deep amber coloured liquid into the glass and placed the bottle on the floor. After doing that, I lift my knees up on the chair and lit a cigarette. I should quite this before it comes a regular habit. But not now. All I needed now was whiskey and cigarette. What can be a better way to to deal with my problems and shitty life than drink it down and blow it into the cold air, and let it spread trough the city. I don't know what I expected. That the problems would just magically be inhaled by some random passer-by and I'd be feeling better? Oh no, that's no how it works.