Can I just be alright for a little while?

3. Fucking social media

While cleaning the apartment some of Aki's things appeared from some random places so I took out a big trash bag and threw them all in. I wasn't even going to call him to come pick up the stuff. He broke my heart and trust to men, so I had all the right to just destroy whatever he had left in here. It was also my laundry day so I took my laundry bag and went to the basement where the washing machine was. Honestly I hated that this apartment complex had the laundry room instead of just simply having a washing machines in the apartments, but what can I do? There wasn't really even room for such a thing in my apartment, and I wasn't so sure how many people in here had their own machine if the place offered such a fancy service. I hated it also because if I did not use my turn, I wouldn't have a chance to wash my clothes until next week if I didn't want to take the stuff to some local laundry. So there I was, throwing my stuff into the machine and setting on my alarm to go get it after the programme was done.

Next I took out the bag which had all Aki's remaining stuff and tossed into the dumpster. There was still about 40 minutes left before my laundry would be ready so decided to check my fridge to write down the shopping list so I'd know what to buy after everything here was done. The list grew quite a long because I had eaten pretty much everything I had, only that I just can't really recall any of it. When the list was done, I decided to watch TV the remaining time. For some reason I found myself watching Catfish from MTV, or I started but I then zoned out again. All the show offered was some cheaters and idiots, and it all reminded me from Aki again. Fuck. Not that I was in overly good mood today anyway, but my mood just sunk even deeper. Guess I had to accept the fact that I wasn't good enough tho I did not know was it about the looks, body or what? I had no idea what it was that was wrong with me or did not fill his needs, but he had no idea how insecure it made me feel about myself.

I stood up from the sofa and walked to the bathroom. My green eyes were not as red anymore and the bags under them had also faded. If until this day I thought I looked ok, then now I was looking myself rather critical. I started to see flaws here and there. Too small boobs, wrong body shape, everything seemed to be wrong or just not good enough in general. Fucking social media and ideal body types. Vilma looked exactly like all the perfect Insta-girls. Tall, great body, nice boobs and ass. Everything the guys are drooling after. I wasn't that. Or maybe I was but I did not see that. I wasn't perfect for him. Isn't it just funny how society has set the bar so up high that girls just keep suffering in body dysmorphia after every little let down because they think they are not good enough? How it makes us feel so worthless and bad in general even tho there really isn't anything wrong with us. Is this really what the life has become now? We all need to fit into fucking frames? Wasn't my 172cm tall body, pale skin and "normal" body type enough? If there even is such a thing as normal. Did the fact that I did not have a DD cup and too worked out booty really matter that much?

"Fuck.." I sighed and turned my back to the mirror. I dried the tears and heard my alarm going off, meaning that the laundry should be done by now.

I put on my Converses and opened the door to go to the basement. Just as I was closing my door, the guy next door walked up the stairs. I was still quietly sobbing and not in a mood to have any small talk, but he stopped before his door and turned around after I had passed him.

"Everything good?" he asked and took his keys from his back pocket.

"Everything is just fucking awesome" I mumbled and made my way downstairs. He for sure thinks that I'm some freak. Why should I even care what he thinks about me. It's not like we were gonna be anything more than neighbour's.

I took my stuff out from the machine and put them into bag. I'd put them dry upstairs so I didn't bother to throw them into the tumble-dryer. I made my way back home and took out my foldable laundry rack. After hanging the clothes and other washed stuff to dry, I quickly added some makeup into my face, mascara and eyeliner only this time, and went to put my shoes on so I could go to the shop. I was just checking did I have everything needed in my bag when someone rang my doorbell. I opened the door and immediately regretted it.