Can I just be alright for a little while?

28. The dirty job

I didn't sleep at all during the night. It felt like I was back in square one, my life was a mess, my mind was a mess. I don't know what to do anymore. There was nothing for me that motivated me enough to get up and go for work so I just texted Carla that I wasn't feeling too well. I didn't want to see any fake smile, or hear about wedding plans. I didn't even feel sorry for the two brides whose makeup I was supposed to do today because at the moment I couldn't deal with it. Carla of course wasn't too happy about me staying home but I knew she would  findsomeone to cover me. I just wanted to be swallowed by my mattress andnever get up. Suffer in silence and be invisible for every one. 

But I did get up. I turned the music as loud as I could, sang along DED and started cleaning because I had to drown my miserable life into something. Not that it was my first choice to do but guess this place needed to be cleaned and I did this thing much better while I was sad or angry. There was also a bagful of dirty clothes I needed to wash so I decided to try my luck and went to see if the laundry room was free to use.

"Thank god..." I sighed as I noticed that whoever's turn it was had skipped it and the machine was ready to use. I threw my stuff in, turned the machine on and made my way back to the upstairs. Between the second and the third floor I run into Joel... We both stopped, neither of us knew from which side we should pass each other so we kept stepping on each other's way few times before Joel stopped again and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"I am sorry. I chose wrong words yesterday. I did not mean it the way it sounded and your life is not ruining mine... I was tired and pissed about the situation and I did not think clearly, ok?" he spoke and tried to catch my eyes but I kept avoiding his gaze as good as I could. I didn't want him to see the puffy red eyes I had because of crying all night.

"Let me go.." I whispered and kept staring our shoes. Funny.. We both had Converses..He had black ones, I had red...

"Heidi... " Joel took his left hand away from my shoulder and lift my face up from my chin. As much as I fought against it, I finally looked at him. His hypnotic eyes caught my attention and it felt like they almost tried to suck something out off me I just did not know what.

"I'm sorry..Seriously.. " he sighed and I swallowed my tears that were so eagerly willing to run down from my eyes.

"Ok.. Maybe I overreacted.." I whispered quietly. Few tears managed to escape the corner of my eyes and with his thumb Joel gently wiped them away. When did I became such a crybaby?

"It's ok... I was an ass.. Again.. " the man said quietly and for some reason he didn't hurry to move his hand away from my face. But for me it was a little too much, for now. Too many messy emotions racing in my mind and so that I wouldn't do anything I'd regret later, I removed myself from his hold.

"I have stuff to do.. sorry.." and I went my way. Jay.. I needed Jay..

"Hey" I heard the familiar and calming voice answering my call.

"Hi.. What time you finish...?" I asked quietly and sipped my coffee. It was my sixth cup already but the caffeine wasn't working its magic at all. I placed the cup on the table and dried few tears that still kept falling down.

"In an hour actually.. My second client cancelled so I have nothing that keeps me here.. You ok? You sound off..." Of course he would notice if I sounded off. He has been listening me crying for weeks and could easily tell if I wasn't on my best.

"Can you just come here then.. I.. need you.." I sighed quietly and sat down leaning my elbows on the table but I don't know how or why but my hand then did something weird and it failed and in the action I knocked over my cup. The coffee was spreading all over the table and floor and I groaned.