Can I just be alright for a little while?

36. Potential alcoholism

We looked at each other for a short moment, not saying anything. His finger was still under my chin and the fact the he was shirtless and I was more or less pantless made this whole situation a little bit more erotic than it should be.

"Umh..?" I forgot how to speak. His intense blue, yet tired eyes kept staring into mine and the only thing running in my mind told me that it should be smart thing to remove myself from this situation as soon as possible. But my body did not cooperate.

"Ditch that guy...Please.. Heidi.. He is no good for you.. " Joel then spoke. I turned my eyes away from him. My jaw tensed and I tried to come up with something in defence.

"I can't watch how you keep destroying yourself with him.. " he sounded worried, unlike Eric who was just judging and acting like an angry jealous teenager who found it hard to talk like a normal person about his concerns if there really was any.
"What has he done to make you think so?" I asked and gently pushed his hand away. I hated the fact that Eric had spoke with him about Jay. It was not exactly their business and it was really making me angry.

"He plays you.. No I haven't seen anything but what I understood from Eric is that he is not the type of guy who would be interested in anyone romantically..Heidi come on.. He is a player..." Joel put his hands on my shoulders and tried to caught my attention but I did my best blocking him.
"You're hurting enough already.. "
"Stop it.. I already told you that Eric doesn't know a thing about us... No one else cares me the way Jay does" I tried my best to keep up my cool. I did not want to snap at him because things have been already complicated enough between us, no need to make it any more worse. Joel sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Open your goddamn eyes... " the man whispered and turned me back against the counter, standing in front of me. His hands were still on my shoulders but his right hand moved on my cheek, cupping it. Gently, his fingers caressed my skin and for a second I got lost into the moment.

"You're so busy pushing away everyone else around you that you're not seeing or thinking clearly"

I swallowed. What the hell is he talking about? Thinking clearly? I am thinking clearly and at the moment my thoughts are not exactly the same as he had and on the very last minute I placed my index finger between our lips to prevent them touching.

"Joel.. " I whispered and kept pushing him away. He let go of me and I did not know what to say.

"Sorry... I shouldn't have" he whispered and looked away from me. What the hell is this thing between us?

I left Joel's pretty much after that close call happened. Well yes, if Jay wasn't around like at all then that kiss probably would have happened but. But. But. Jay was here and I could not do that to him. Besides, nothing happened so I don't know why I was so shook about it. It was just a moment and I stopped it before he took it too far. Yet there was now one more thing that was added into the mix – why would he want to kiss me?

That question crossed my mind more than once during the remaining Thursday. Should I be so flattered about it? Sad about it? Scared? Fuck I don't know. I was feeling all those feelings yet none of them made sense. Why would he even want me? I wasn't as hot as his ex was. I wasn't anything.. Or I was normal, I guess. Or that's how I liked to think. I was what I was, had what I had and lacked some self-consciousness. That's the deal you get if you want me. A package of self-doubt, self-hate and depression. Mixed with a potential alcoholism. Now who wouldn't want some of that? I groaned and threw the cigarette away as I saw Jay walking to the car.

"Hi.." he pulled me into hug and pressed a kiss on my head. Jay wanted that package. All he kept telling me was how I was just perfect the way I was but still I found it hard to believe. But at least he made me feel like I was wanted.