The Way I Am (DreamNotFound)

27

TW's:
-Tantrum/aggression
-Mentions homophobia/bullying

Clay's POV

After I broke up with George I had ran off. I was broken by what I did and I didn't know what to do. I liked George so much, but I was just way too scared to come out for it. I couldn't be gay, I couldn't show how I was at all. I just couldn't.

I ran away from school and went to George's place. Since I had no where else to go, I had to go here. I entered their house while crying my eyes out and I wanted to leave and go upstairs to their room, but George's mum grabbed my hand.

'Are you okay? Why are you here this early and why are you crying?'

'Please, leave me alone. You will only be mad at me too.'

'What happened, talk to me, Clay.'

'I broke up with George, okay? I'm not ready, I just can't do it. I got bullied in school and George doesn't care anymore, but I do. I guess I got so scared to be myself that I broke up with them and I ran off.'

'Clay, let's just talk for a little about it.'

'I don't want to, I'm broken by what I did, because I love George with my whole heart. I'm really in love with them, but I just can't.'

'George has cried for months long because they got bullied this badly and one day they decided to practise being themselves more. And the first day they started wearing nail polish to school, they came home crying too. George got bullied really badly, but stood strong and did the same the next day after. George realised that you can ruin your life by other's opinions, but it's never going to help you further in life. George is happier since they are who they want to be, even though they get hated.'

I watched my hands and looked at my nails again. 'I wish I could just normally say the words.'

'Do you want to try to say them to me?'

'Uh- I-I uh- I'm-,' I started, but after I got bullied I really couldn't seem to get the words out of my mouth anymore. I got angry at myself, but also at all bullies who ruined my confidence.

I felt a tantrum coming up and I jumped up. 'WHY ME?' I screamed.

'Calm down, Clay. Sit down, I'll make you some tea.'

'NO, I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. I LIKE GIRLS, I WILL LIKE GIRLS AND GET A GIRLFRIEND.'

'You're gay, sweetie. That's totally fine, sit down.'

'YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND YOU ARE STRAIGHT.'

I got so extremely mad that I grabbed the first thing I saw which appeared to be a chair. I literally started slamming it on the ground while I screamed loudly and had tears streaming down my face.

George's mum stayed really calm, the absolute opposite of what my uncle used to do.

'Come, Clay. Shall we now go sit down on the chair?'

I looked at the chair I was holding, it was damaged, but their mum didn't get mad at me. She slowly grabbed the chair and put it down. 'Sit on it.'

I nodded really slowly and I sat down. My hands were shaking really badly and George's mum grabbed my hands. 'What do you like to drink?'

I shrugged slightly.

'Do you like tea or coffee? We also have hot chocolate milk.'

'Chocolate milk is fine,' I whispered. 'I'm so sorry.'

'It's totally fine, Clay. I knew you had anger issues and we are going to help you with it.'

I nodded and George's mum walked off to make me chocolate milk. I leaned back in my chair and felt tears streaming down my face. I was so broken and so tired. I just didn't want this anymore, I actually didn't want it anymore.

George's mum came back a few minutes later and gave me a mug. I looked at the mug in silence and felt a tear drop down my face. George's mum smiled at me and grabbed my hand.

'I miss George, but I'm just not ready.'

'I understand, Clay. You just came out a few days ago, I understand that you need time and you can take some time. That's no big deal at all, I will talk with George, okay?'

I nodded slowly. 'Do you think they are mad?'

'George is never mad. They are probably really sad because George really loves you.'

I looked up at their mum and took a deep breath.

'I-I'm g-g-gay. I'm gay,' I whispered.

George's mum smiled softly and rubbed my hand. 'I'm so proud of you, Clay. It takes a lot of courage to say that.'

'I miss George a lot, do you think they might want me back?'

'No doubt about that.'

I smiled shyly. 'If they get home, I'll ask them to be my boyfriend again.'

'That sounds great, you really should try and not care about anything others say even though it's hard. It will take some practice.'

I nodded slowly and their mum looked at my nails. 'Want me to paint the parts you've scratched off?'

I nodded and George's mum went upstairs to paint my nails. I wanted to show it to George.

Hours later I finally heard the door opening and I stood up. I had prepared how I was going to ask George and I was waiting for them the whole day.

I startled as I heard more than one voice and I startled even more when I heard the voices laugh loudly. George walked in with Sapnap and they were laughing loudly. My face dropped and I looked at my hands. I felt jealousy, George wasn't even sad about the fact we broke up.

George looked at me and smiled softly, immediately turning back to Sap.

'You don't even care?' I whispered.

George looked at me for a second, but ignored me to talk to Sapnap again.

'As soon as I break up with you, you found someone else already,' I whispered, having tears coming up in my eyes.

I turned around after George ignored me again, ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom.

1043 words