The Way I Am (DreamNotFound)

14

TW's:
-Internalised homophobia
-Tantrum/slight abuse

George's POV

The next morning I woke up early and I went downstairs to make myself some breakfast. I wondered if Clay would come to school today, I really hoped he did. I secretly also hoped to feel his soft lips kiss mine again, but it felt like all that hope was lost. I had the feeling I messed up, even though it was his choice too.

I ate my breakfast and I left to go to school. I was excited to see Clay again and I had literally never been at school this fast as today. I threw my bike in the bike storage and I ran inside, looking around me for Clay.

I smiled brightly when I saw him sitting down on a bench, but the closer I got, the more I startled. His face was bruised and he had never been this pale. His nail polish was gone again and I saw him fighting against his tears.

I still decided to go to him and I sat down next to him. 'Hi!'

He looked up really slowly and gave me a mad look. 'Please, leave me alone.'

'What did I do?' I asked him in confusion.

'You know what you did.'

'I don't, I thought we had fun yesterday.'

I saw Clay started shaking a little, I grabbed his hand but he hit it away.

'What happened to your face?'

'Nothing.'

'Clay, don't lie to me.'

'SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH.'

'I'm sorry.'

'You don't understand it, you never understand anything, George. Leave me alone, okay?'

'I'm sorry,' I whispered. My heart crushed by what he was saying to me. I stood up to walk away, but Clay got a tantrum again.

He grabbed my shoulders, pushing me against the wall. 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?' he screamed loudly. He was shaking and piercing my skin with his nails. 'WHY?'

'W-what did I do?' I whispered with a small voice crack.

'YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU KNOW IT.'

'I don't, I'm sorry. I really thought you liked yesterday too. I wasn't the only kissing you.'

'WHY? YOU STARTED.'

'I'm sorry, you could have told me.'

Clay got so mad that he hit me in my face really hard and I winced. 'That wasn't necessary.'

'WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?'

'What did I do?' I yelled now.

'YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.'

'I don't, please stop screaming at me. It's making me scared.'

'You want to know what you're doing to me?'

I nodded.

'GIVING ME THOSE BUTTERFLIES, MAKING ME BLUSH, MAKING ME WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME.'

'How did I do that? You're in love.'

'YOU HAVE TO BE SO SWEET.'

'I'm just the way I am.'

'I HATE IT.'

'Oh-.'

'I'M NOT GAY,' Clay yelled. He hit the wall out of anger and his voice started cracking. 'I AM NOT GAY,' he screamed again.

'You can also be something else than gay.'

'I don't like girls, you stupid arsehole. I LIKE YOU, I DON'T WANT TO.'

He was shaking so badly and I grabbed his hand. 'Now calm down, you dumb arse. You're the one making a problem out of this.'

Clay bit his lip and then bursted out in tears. 'I don't want to be gay, I don't want to,' he repeated constantly.

I dared hugging him against my body and he started hyperventilating quickly. 'I can't be gay,' he whispered again. 'I can't be gay, but you made me fall in love,' he whispered, having his voice crack.

'That's fine, Clay. That's totally fine, I'm gay too and I'll be with you forever. And let me tell you a secret, I'm in love with you too.'

'I can't be gay,' he whispered again.

'You don't have to be this harsh on yourself, Clay. You're allowed to be gay, it's totally fine to be gay.'

'I don't want to,' Clay whispered as he collapsed on the ground. I lifted him up and made him sit down on the bench. 'I don't want to be gay.'

'Clay, you are and that's fine. It's totally fine, I'm with you. You're not alone, you're never going to be alone, okay?'

Clay looked at me with an absolute broken look in his eyes. 'Why do you have to be this perfect?'

I blushed slightly and smiled. 'I could also ask you that.'

'You're so beautiful, so handsome and sweet. I don't want to be gay, but I'm so in love with you for years now,' Clay whispered. 'George, I actually don't want to, I'm breaking. I'm completely breaking apart, I don't think I'm able to deal with this.'

'What are you planning on?'

'I wish I could just disappear.'

'You're not going to, okay? You're with me and you will stay with me forever, okay?'

'George, why? Life is unfair, I don't want to be in love with you, but you're too perfect to not be in love with.'

'I'm in love with you too, Clay.'

'I'm so broken, George. I can't deal with this anymore. My uncle grabbed my phone and he beat me up.'

'Clay, I'm with you.'

'I'm so sad, I'm so scared and broken.'

'I'm with you, don't be scared. It's fine, okay?'

'I don't want to be gay, but I am. I really don't want to.'

'It's fine, I care about you and I'm just as in love with you as you are with me.'

Clay smiled at me and he grabbed my shoulders. He looked around him quickly and as soon as he didn't see anyone, he pressed his lips on mine again. I could only smiled through the kiss and Clay wrapped his arms around my shoulder.

'I'm sorry for hitting you,' he whispered. 'I'm so sorry, I know I need help for it.'

'It's fine, don't worry about it. I'm just glad you finally dared coming out to someone.'

'You can tell this to no one though.'

'I will never out you to anyone, that's the worst thing you can do to someone. How long do you know it?'

'A few years, because I fell in love with you.'

'Aww,' I giggled and Clay smiled back, having a cute blush fill his cheeks.

He cupped my face as he pressed his lips on mine again.

1050 words