The Way I Am (DreamNotFound)

21

TW's:
-Hallucinations
-Mentions self harm
-Mentions of anything that happened

Clay's POV

After I had cried for hours long, shivering because of the extreme cold and screamed because of the pain inside, I started walking. I had literally been walking for around five hours along the shore, the beach was really long and I probably walked really slowly too.

It was already afternoon and I was extremely hungry and thirsty, I had never been this tired and broken as I was now. No one cared about me, no one would look for me. I would just very slowly die here and maybe someday I would be found.

I kept walking and walking and when had walked for another hour, I sat down. It felt like hours, but I had no phone, I had nothing. I didn't know anything for sure anymore. All I knew was how this pain was crushing me.

All I knew was that I was gay and everyone knew I was. Luckily no one would ever see me again after this, I would just die slowly. I felt tears streaming down my face again, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be straight.

The evening started falling again and I was ready to spend another evening here. As I was crying my eyes out, I started looking for some shells in the sand. I found a few and I started scratching them over my skin, getting more and more aggressive. I started screaming while scratching my arms aggressively.

'WHY ME?' I screamed as I collapsed in the sand, hitting my hands on the ground out of pure sadness and anger.

I tried to remember George, but everything in my head got blurry. I was so extremely tired and I could feel people running around me.

'GO AWAY,' I screamed, looking up. I realised no one was even here, but I still heard voices talk to me.

I started screaming loudly as I felt something tapping my shoulder. I turned around, hitting around me.

'LEAVE ME ALONE.'

I started seeing everything around me twice and I started crying even harder, closing my eyes as I held my hands on my ears. The voices kept coming and coming and they didn't seem to stop anymore. 'GO AWAY.'

Voices got louder and some of the voices started screaming at me. They scared me and made me feel like I did something wrong. I kept screaming and screaming and I wanted to run away, but the voices kept coming. They started speaking to me, saying weird things I couldn't fully process.

'HELP,' I screamed. 'THEY WANT TO KILL ME.'

I was alone, no one was going to help me. I saw red lights in front if me, shining in my eyes every now and then, I saw people running, I felt them touch me. I could hear my own voice, but it didn't even feel like my own voice. I couldn't seem to figure out who all these people were and I was completely driven insane by my fear.

I got so extremely scared that I sat down in the sand, curling myself up like a ball. I started softly rocking to calm down a little and tried ignoring all things around me. They were screaming and trying to hurt me. I knew that for sure.

I completely froze, sitting down in the sand. I didn't look around me anymore, I had been staring at the same shell in the sand for over thirty minutes now, trying to get these voices away. They didn't stop, they actually didn't stop, they kept screaming at me.

But I was alone and I knew I was alone, but I didn't know where the voices where coming from, I didn't know if I was the one speaking at some times or if it were the voices speaking, I was completely gone from the reality and I was softly crying, while rocking to stay a little calmer with everything screaming around me.

I closed my eyes and hid my face in between my arms and knees, having my arms wrapped around my knees to pull them up. I started crying a little harder and held my hands on my ears again, but it didn't seem to solve anything.

Meanwhile the sun had gone down and it was getting night again, I never could sleep already, but I was for sure I wasn't being able to sleep all night with these voices screaming at me. I was softly sobbing and I was so extremely cold too. I wished I brought my coat with me, but I had to run as fast as possible for my uncle not to kill me.

Even though I wished he would have killed me now, I had never been this scared and this alone in my whole life, even though I had one million voices screaming at me. I didn't know when the voices would stop screaming at me, maybe they would never stop anymore and I would have to listen to this for the rest of my life.

As tears streamed down my face, I heard footsteps around me. I didn't even look up anymore and kept hiding my face, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I startled so badly that I hit the hand away, realising I really touched something this time. I looked up and suddenly saw a face I recognised. I recognised the black hair and the black nail polish. I was sure it was just fake too so I pushed the person away.

'You're not real, leave me alone. All these voices leave me alone, I'm scared,' I whispered, hiding my face again. 'Why George? I didn't want to see them, now I feel only more sad that they aren't with me.'

'I am with you, Clay. I think you're hallucinating, but I'm real.' George sat down on the sand next to me and they held me tight against their body.

'You aren't real,' I whispered again.

'Look at me.'

I nodded softly and looked up, looking in their eyes. George smiled at me and held my hand tightly, pressing their lips on mine for just a millisecond. It felt so real and my eyes widened.

'George?' I yelled now.

'It's me, Clay. I'm here, I'm going to calm you down, okay?'

1049 words