The Way I Am (DreamNotFound)

6

TW's:
-Mentions mental abuse
-Mentions insomnia/anger issues
-Mentions bullying/homophobia/abuse

Clay's POV

I was sitting in my room as always, I had to. I had no other option than sitting in my room. I was fifteen when I went to live with my aunt and uncle and they weren't that soft on me. Let's just say, they were really harsh on me.

Maybe they weren't harsh on me, they just were never at home and locked me in my room the whole day. I went to school and when I came home the door got locked and they left again. I was often surprised no one noticed my weight loss, since I almost ate nothing all day. I mean, I did eat at school. I ate a lot at school as soon as I had the chance too.

I honestly was so tired, I didn't sleep at all. I had insomnia, but my aunt and uncle absolutely didn't want to help me with it. I was awake all night, thinking about the bad things I had experienced in my life. And with that I also had a really bad case of ADHD and extreme anger issues. I knew where my insomnia and anger issues came from, but no one wanted to help me with it.

I was laying on my bed, moving my legs restlessly. I was constantly thinking about George. Of course I acted like I hated them, I had to, I really had to act like that.

I sometimes wished I really hated them, but I didn't. I had almost broken my act today when they were being so sweet to me. George was always sweet honestly and if I was fair. I was completely in love with them, more than I had ever loved anyone in this world.

I had kept the fact I was gay hidden for a while now. My parents knew, but I guess they weren't here with me anymore. Honestly, I adored George. I fell so extremely hard for them, my stomach always hurt when I saw them.

George was how they wanted to be and I acted like the most homophobic arsehole in this world. I wished to be wearing nail polish, I loved nail polish. I had once painted my nails secretly and immediately got it off as soon as it had dried.

I had once grabbed a small paper and I had painted the rainbow flag on it. I wrote with big letters in the middle: I'm gay. But I immediately ripped it apart and threw it away. No one was able to know I was gay, I just had to be homophobic and no one would every notice, at least. That's what I thought.

When George asked me to come over, I couldn't resist. I was so in love with them and I wanted to be with them all the time if I could. I was even very excited to go to their home Friday, I wondered how their room looked, I wondered how their family was. I even secretly wished they weren't lying about the fact they wanted to paint my nails.

I sighed as I laid on my bed with my eyes wide open, it was pretty late in the night. It wasn't late for me, but for others it was. The sun had completely gone down and my clock hit the 3 am mark. I was tired, but I just couldn't sleep at all. Would George be awake?

I grabbed my phone and went to his chat, they weren't online, but I just wanted to try.

You
hi

I threw my phone away, I didn't know how I had the confidence to text them, but I didn't really have any real friends. I was alone because I got mad so often, I was popular under all girls, but I didn't have too many real friends I could count on.

I had probably hit every single friend I ever had and sure, I understood that they left me, but no single soul had ever asked why I was like this. It had a reason and I could explain it, but they didn't care. Suddenly my phone buzzed and I grabbed it.

George
hi, its late why ur awake

You
i can better ask u

George
i woke up at midnight, u

You
i have insomnia

George
aww, im sorry. do u have medication?

You
i wish

George
do u have a lot of problems cuz of it?

You
i have been hallucinating. and i have anger issues but they get worse by not sleeping just as my adhd

George
do u have medication for anything of that?

You
i wish i had, guess my aunt and uncle dont want me to

George
and ur parents?

You
they arent here

George
im sorry, u okay?

You
ig, im as okay as i can be

George
u seem pretty unstable

You
yeah but its fine. how r u

George
well i mean, i get beaten up everyday, bullied all the time, i get discriminated cuz im gay and i get laughed at all the time

You
im sorry for being a dick, ill explain u someday. i havent told anyone what happened in my past and i dont think im ready to

George
thats fine! i know something is off, dont pressure urself, ill be waiting for u to tell me if u ever want to

You
george?

George
yes

You
do u want to call?

George
sure, i have to be quiet tho

You
same, i just want to hear something else than my own thoughts

You
ill talk to u, u go lay down and close ur eyes

You
okay

George called me and I took the call. They were whispering quietly and their voice calmed me down. 'Are you laying down, Clay?'

'Yes.'

'Close your eyes and imagine this. Imagine being on a beach, hearing the water softly stream on the sand, watching the sun go down. Seeing the birds fly through the air, feeling the soft wind brush through your hair. Imagine seeing the sun slightly setting, making the air a beautiful colour.'

I imagined everything they told me to and I imagine George sitting next to me, holding my hand. For some magical reason, I fell asleep after twenty minutes.

1046 words