Nobody ever told me what it would be like to be in a relationship. Nobody ever told me that you have to be so flexible about things.
I've got my own schedule, I've been following it for years. But when somebody new comes into your life, you have to make adjustments for them. I'm incredibly lucky in the sense that Connor is aware of my schedule and my needs, and he does what he can to keep that the same. But no matter what you do, things are going to change. No matter how hard you try to keep it the same, it never will be. But the amazing thing is, you don't even mind.
I used to eat alone most nights. Now he's here to have dinner with me. Every night. I used to be alone. All day, every day. I was so used to being alone that I didn't even realize what it meant to be lonely. I was so constantly lonely that I couldn't even identify it. It was like a natural state. Now, I miss him like crazy, even when he's just out for groceries.
I'm not used to sleeping next to somebody. For twenty four years, I slept alone. Now, there's somebody next to me. Almost every single night, he's there. Another person, by my side. It was uncomfortable at first, I'll admit, it definitely takes some getting used to. But now, it's strange not to have him there. It's an odd experience, suddenly having someone to sleep next to. But it's one I wouldn't give up for anything.
A relationship is full of new things for me. Being touched. Kissing. Sleeping beside somebody, sleeping with somebody. Sharing the day with someone. Sharing my life with someone.
I had very few examples of relationships, growing up. I only had my parents, and the couples I saw on television. Well, I once saw a couple in one of those horrible videos I watched. But I don't think they really loved each other very much. I'm not so sure they were even a real couple. I don't know, I was off that site pretty quickly. It sounds incredibly silly, but those videos were rather traumatizing to me. I know, I'm a grown man, it shouldn't be like that. But I had absolutely no experience or understanding of sex, growing up. I didn't until pretty recently. I wasn't allowed to watch television or movies with any sex in them, even when I was eighteen or so. I never saw anything like that. My first exposure to anything like that was one of those videos. And as an incredibly sheltered twenty-something year old, it was quite a shock. I left that video as quickly as I could, but the imprint it left was lasting. From that, my next experience with sex was more than equally upsetting. Hearing Steven clawing at and bruising Connor while he begged him to be gentler, through the open windows. Then, of course, who could forget my infamous pornography incident that ended in me crying to my new boyfriend, frightened out of my mind of what I thought would happen to me if I slept with him.
It's certainly a growing experience, learning how to have a relationship with no idea what's expected of me. But it's learning that I'm happy to do for him. Nobody makes me smile like that man does. Nobody makes me feel so loved. So protected, so cared for.. so genuinely wanted. And it doesn't hurt that he looks like sunshine, personified. A perfect encapsulation of a warm autumn afternoon.
I don't doubt that he's had to learn a lot, too. How to deal with my compulsions and fears, how to live with a man who has so many needs. I just hope he has found it was worthwhile as I have. It may often go unspoken, but that man is absolutely everything to me. Everything he is makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be brave. How could you not want to be brave for him? Even if it's just working up the nerve to kiss him, he gives me the bravery I need. I want to give him everything. I want to take the stars from the sky for him. And that will take a little extra bravery.
He gives me so much... he gives me everything he has to offer. He takes care of me. He has since day one. And all I can seem to do in return is try. Try to grow, to expand, to broaden the scope of what I deem possible for myself. I'm afraid of many things. But he gives me the courage to try. He makes me feel safe to try.
"Kevin... Kevin, wake up.." Connor shook my shoulder gently, pulling me from my sleep
"Hm..?" I mumbled, my eyes still closed
"Kevin, wake up.."
"Go back to sleep, Connor.." I grumbled in my state of confusion
I'm not exactly at my best when I'm woken up. My meds sort of knock me out. They work to keep you asleep for about eight hours, so as one would imagine being woken only halfway through leaves you more than a little disoriented. I just rolled back over.
"Kevin, please.. please wake up.." he sniffled
"..are you crying?" I forced myself up through the drowsiness, clumsily reaching for the light, missing the switch in my first couple tries. As the room lit dimly, I could see the tears on his cheeks, begging to be wiped away "Connor, what's wrong?"
"I just.. I just wanted to see your face... I needed to hear your voice.." he took a heavy gulp, visibly trying to downplay whatever was troubling him. Despite his attempts to mask it, it was clear that it was weighing on him. Small troubles don't send you crying in the middle of the night.
"What happened..?"
His eyes were red with the irritation of tears, his cheeks splotchy. They always get like that when he cries. The tears lingered on his face, making my heart ache. Before he could even get an answer out, I pulled a tissue from the box on my nightstand. I may not be able to wipe his tears away with my hands or sleeve, the way he does for me, but I won't just let them remain on his cheeks like a symbol of his hurt. I will always find a way to dry his tears.
Placing on hand under his chin for precision, I dabbed the folded tissue against his cheeks, though hardly able to keep my own eyes open.
"What happened.. Man..?"
"It's... It's so embarrassing" he laughed slightly through his shame as I dried his tears.
"That's okay... I do embarrassing things all the time, you never let me feel bad.. if it's enough to make you cry, I'm sure it's important..."
"I... I had a nightmare, is all.."
"Well, I have a lot of experience with those... Thats not embarrassing, they can be really frightening.." I discarded the tissue, taking ahold of his hand
"Oh god, it was horrible.. just awful.." he sniffled
"What... What was it?" I spoke over a yawn in an attempt to conceal it. The boy's a wreck, I don't want him feeling badly for waking me up.
In all honesty, I feel like my eyes could fall shut at any moment. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep myself awake. But I'll fight it for as long as I have to. He needs me. End of story.
"You were hurt... badly.. fuck, it was just awful.."
"What happened..?"
"It doesn't matter.."
"It- It sure seems like it matters.."
"...You hurt yourself."
"Oh.."
"It was horrible.. and I know it shouldn't be a big deal, it was only a dream, but.. I've seen you like that before" he wiped his eyes "wanting to do something.. and it was just so realistic.. I needed to hear your voice.. I needed to know you were okay.."
"I'm okay.. I'm right here.."
"It's good to hear your voice... it was so real.."
"It's not real.." I reassured, taking him in my arms
"I think it.. it's frightening because it so easily could be... you've had those urges before. It's not impossible.. it could have been real.. and it could be someday.."
"No.. No, never.." I assured him, lying through my teeth in terms of my certainty.
That's not something I can promise. That's not something I could ever promise. I don't exactly have a normal life, I can't exactly say that I'll ever get well. I can't say that I'll ever stop missing my parents or that I'll be stable. I can't promise that. I can't promise this all won't become too much for me. And I certainly can't promise that one day there won't be an urge that I can't fight.
But I'm not above lying about that if it makes him happy. I just want him to be happy.
It's not like I'm fully lying to him. I don't plan on doing anything, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I just can't promise that I never will. Nobody can promise that, not truly promise.
But I'm not about to tell him that. I'm not about to scare him. I've never seen him like this.
For whatever reason, he cares about me, and I'm not about to let him worry over nothing.
"You never have to worry about that" I assured him, placing my lips on the top of his head. His hair was wavy, being uncombed, warm and soft. It really did smell like peaches.
I never imagined being able to do something like that, never in my life. But it was real, it was all blissfully real. Connor, sharing my bed, my arms around him in the middle of the night, my lips on the top of his head. He's real. And he's mine. I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined it. And even now, though he's clearly hurting, I can't help but feel lucky that he's here with me. Maybe it's selfish. It probably is entirely selfish. But I feel grateful that he's here. Grateful that he's in my arms, grateful that he's mine. Even when he's hurting.
"Promise..?"
"I promise.."
"Good." He wiped his eyes "...I don't ever want to lose you, Kevin."
His words hit me like a blow to the chest. He doesn't want to lose me.
I always thought that I was the one that didn't want to lose him. That his care for me was less than mine for him. That he didn't love me the way I love him. That he did love me, just... less than I loved him. It doesn't make sense for him to love me as much as I love him.
"...Do you mean that?" My voice hushed to a whisper
He nodded
"Of course I do. You mean everything to me.."
".. that's so nice."
"I mean it" he wiped his eyes dry one last time "you make my life so happy.."
"...Thank you." I looked down at my lap, my vision still blurry as I fought sleep
"...this is so dumb, I know.. and so embarrassing... but do you think we could stay like this? Do you think you can keep your arms around me all night?"
"Y-Yeah.. uh... don't drool on me please, then- then I'll have to shower..."
"I don't drool" he chuckled tearfully
"No, you do. It's not your fault, your mouth opens a little, but there's a little drool on- on my pillow every morning and I have to wash the pillow and the case just to be safe, it's kind of disgusting... it's really disgusting. But.. you're worth it.."
"..I can't tell if that's very rude or very sweet"
"Me neither.. but you do drool sometimes."
"Well, I won't drool on you, I promise"
"Okay.. if you do, you have to help me wash it off"
"Fair deal." He agreed, gently pushing me back against the pillows