Thursday, September 24, 2020
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What up people!! I got all my work done by 1:00pm, didn't do any of the 5 pages of notes I'll have to do tomorrow, didn't work on the speaking presentation in Spanish I have to do tomorrow, finally finished my pet project I've been raving about for months now, wrote up the last chapter needed for this week's updates, got my period so I hate the world, read a bunch of unethical psychology experiments that made me hate humanity, and I've been paranoid all day!!
*starts sobbing*
Yeah it's been rollercoaster of a day.
On one hand: • all I have to do is edit my pet project and I'll start posting it on October first!
• I'm done writing updates for this week (until Saturday, when I start this process all over again)
On the other: • I need to add more to my Spanish presentation and I hate speaking in Spanish because I'm not confident in ENGLISH my first language, let alone SPANISH my second language.
• I have a math test tomorrow that I'm probably going to get a B on and my parents will be disappointed.
• I usually have bad cramps on the second or third day of my period so like, I'm bringing ibuprofen to school (even though I'm not supposed to) so I don't start sobbing and collapse in the middle of class.
• I still have to ask my parents if I could go to Barnes and Noble so me and my friend can go book shopping together
• I need to actually work on a piece for the competition I mentioned but I have no ideas and the deadline is October 1.
• I'm trying to keep from burning out but the fact is that I only have Saturdays as truly a full day for myself and even then my family takes up my time and my writing has to be done on that day and so much of my time I spend trying to either calm myself down, appease others, or get my work/schedule done before deadlines.
I know I don't get enough sleep to last the entire day. I know I don't eat enough to give me enough energy for the day. I know I'm not taking care of myself enough. I know I'm running myself too hard and that I will break if I don't find a way to handle everything, but I can't help it.
I don't even know why I do it, why I do this to myself? Am I not sleeping because I feel that I need to be there for people who are on later? Am I not eating because I still look at myself and instinctively suck in my stomach? Am I not taking care of myself because I deceive myself into thinking it can wait or just plain forgetting to care? Am I running myself into the ground because I think, if I can just hold out a bit longer, then I'll finish one responsibility up and it'll give me more time if I can just wait a bit longer?
Gods I don't know, I swore to myself that I'd take care of myself but here I am, going right back to old habits because I'm addicted to the stress, to torturing myself just to feel like I'm alive.
Stay safe kiddos, remember to stick up for yourself because you matter too.
Love you <3<3<3
~Ink