Thursday, December 23, 2020
~~~
Welcome back to the teenage adventures of Baby Boi!
I'm skipping a bunch of details because honestly I can't remember everything that happened in this book due to how fucking dark it gets looking back on it and also how I mix a lot of events with stuff that happens in the sixth book.
Also, TRIGGER WARNING: a shit ton of abuse, kinda forced self harming, bunch of trauma, these series are so full of abusive people like what the hell??! Hate on Slimey Boi and a bit on Old Wizard Mentor(tm) because guess what, most of the adults in this series suck no matter what 'side' they're on when you look back on it.
Baby Boi has PTSD and dreams of Underrated Character #3 dying a bunch, and his cousin, Idiot, insults him but then a couple Ring Wraiths show up and try to suck their souls so Baby Boi does the cool spell and stops them. Then the Wizard Police accuse him of underage magic and he has a big trial thing.
Dad Red Head takes him to the trial thing but Baby Boi has to go in alone. He doesn't understand what's going on but then Old Wizard Mentor(tm) shows up! Baby Boi's all like "yay! I'm saved!" and Old Wizard Mentor(tm) is like "I don't see" and it's quite awkward. Then BITCH appears in her sickening pink frills and disgusting personality and I'm ready to throw hands at her- unfortunately I can't but Old Wizard Mentor(tm), Baby Boi, and Witness throw hands for me and Baby Boi is cleared of charges. He tries to talk with Old Wizard Mentor(tm) but he doesn't reply, starting a year long ghosting spree that ends up nearly killing a bunch of people and badly affecting Baby Boi's mental health. Ha ha, why do people like any of these adults????
Anyways, Baby Boi runs into issues with Hot Mess, who's beginning his serious mental health issues that are never addressed well in the books, and the Golden Trio end up being stuck with the last carriage heading to Hogbog. A couple things happen: 1) Baby Boi can see skeleton horse/beast creatures called Thin Babies, 2) no one else can see Thin Babies but people who have seen someone die, 3) and THEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS APPEARS, THAT'S RIGHT EVERYONE MEET MYSTIC, an eccentric Eagle who Underrated Character #2 is friends with. Golden Trio, Sweetie, Underrated Character #2, and Underrated Character #1 hop into the carriage and head up to Hogbog. At the feast, they find out that BITCH has been ordered by the government to teach Defense and all the teachers hate her. Everyone hates her, to be fair. Anyone who says otherwise is sucking up to her so she doesn't treat them worse.
Oh by the way, Baby Boi's been having dreams of being No-Nose's snake, Snakey, and it's creeping him out. Also Dog is hanging out at his old abusive family house, which is now the Phoenix headquarters. What is the Phoenix? It's the resistance group that fought No-Nose back in the day, not the government because the government sucks. Deer, Doe, Dog, Werewolf McWerewolf, and a bunch of others were part of it, though most members are dead or older. Oh also in case I didn't mention this already, Slimey Boi is a former Neo-Nazi who was a double agent for both sides though each side claims he was their double agent pretending to be the other side's double agent.
School sucks because BITCH is living up to her name and is being, well, a bitch. She keeps making orders, being rude/mean to teachers, not teaching Defense at all, and she's literally abusing students into silence by forcing Baby Boi to write "I must not tell lies" which in turn cUTS THE LINE INTO HIS HAND LITERALLY SCARING HIM FOR LIFE THERE ARE SO MANY ABUSERS IN THIS SERIES WHAT THE HELL—
Anyway, BOOK SMARTS decides that Baby Boi is going to set up a secret society- GROUP I MEAN GROUP to properly teach Defense. They start it up and call it "Oldie's Army", making everyone who joins to sign their name on an enchanted notebook that means if anyone on the list tells BITCH or any of her goons about the group, they'll have "Liar" etched into their forehead. Naturally no Snakes are allowed because ✨discrimination✨ and ✨stereotypes✨.
Fast forward a bit, BITCH enacts a bunch of rules that are destroying students' lives (but are completely heteronormative so um, gay and lesbian couples are safe I guess! Oh and non binary folks, you can keep snogging your partner, the rules are all heteronormative so they don't apply to you!). She tries to throw out Future Lady and even though she's a bit eccentric it's really sad and the QUEEN MCGONAL swoops in, roasts BITCH, and saves Future Lady. It's super sweet.
Fast forward more, and it's Christmas and oh gee, Baby Boi just dreamed he was Snakey and bit Dad Red Head! Golden Trio goes running to Old Wizard Mentor(tm) who summons a couple teachers and they figure out that Dad Red Head has been biten but because of Baby Boi he's going to be alright. While in Wizard Hospital visiting Dad Red Head, Golden Trio find out that Underrated Character #1's parents were tortured by Crazy Bitch to the point that their minds broke and now they live in the hospital forever. Yay.........
Dig and Werewolf McWerewolf give Baby Boi some advice and are supportive uncles before he goes back to Hogbog. Nothing really happens, Slimey Boi is privately "teaching" Baby Boi how to block his mind from No-Nose but is really just torturing him in the guise of teaching but whatever.
Oh then one of Attempted Chinese Representation's friends snitches to BITCH about Oldie's Army and she's all like "he's plotting against me! And the Government!" and so she plus some government officials plus Golden Trio under guard plus snitcher go to confront Old Wizard Mentor(tm). Snitcher, by the way, gets the stitches BOOK SMARTS' spell ordered. Old Wizard Mentor(tm) is all like "I had no idea about this" and BITCH is like "liar" and the officials are like "we have to arrest you now" and he's like "bitch you thought" and yeets himself outta there, leaving BITCH in charge and all the Oldie's Army members (including young kids, like eleven year olds) cutting that line into their hands like good little victims of abuse.
DEAR GODS WHY THE HELL IS THERE SO MUCH ABUSE IN THIS SERIES HOLY SHIT—
Then the Cool Twins say screw it and humiliates BITCH, orders Peevies to annoy the shit out of her, and charm areas of the school just to annoy her as well (though there's speculation that Short Boi did some of that himself, which is awesome).
It all comes to the climax when Baby Boi gets a dream of No-Nose torturing Dog and gathers up the older kids of Oldie's Army and they prepare to sneak into BITCH'S office to pop into the government to go save Dog, but are caught and then BOOK SMARTS gets her, Baby Boi, and BITCH to go out into the Canceled Forest, where Tall Boi's half brother starts trying to kill BITCH but then some horsemen appear and they kill her.
Anyway those two reunite with their team in the castle, who beat up BITCH's goons well. Then Sweetie suggest they ride the Thin Babies to the government, which they do and they get into the government and they get down to the right department and then they split up into groups and search the creepy place/maze. Some end up having to go back up due to injuries and stuff, but then the main characters get into the prophecy area and find the prophecy(tm) for Bay Boi and No-Nose. BOOK SMARTS gets it down and then Neo-Nazis show up and the prophecy is destroyed and the remaining Oldie's Army members make it into this super creepy death veil area, where Neo-Nazis, led by Crazy Bitch, hold many of their friends capture. But then the Phoenix members show up and start fighting the Neo-Nazis and it's super cool and the teens are working together with the Phoenix people but then Crazy Bitch hits Dog with a spell that sends him falling into the death veil and Baby Boi and Werewolf McWerewolf are screaming and it's really depressing.
The Neo-Nazis flee but Baby Boi runs after Crazy Bitch, who claims to have killed Dog (who's her cousin by the way). She leads him to the main entrance of the government, where No-Nose waits. The two duel again, when Old Wizard Mentor(tm) shows up and battles No-Nose instead. Crazy Bitch flees, No-Nose destroys part of the government, then government people start showing up and he flees, leaving a traumatized Baby Boi and now-talking-to-Baby-Boi Old Wizard Mentor(tm) behind to explain what happened.
Things at Hogbog are corrected, the government tries to pretend everything's under control when it's not, and all the kids are traumatized and can see Thin Babies now.
End of Book Five, Baby Boi and the Phoenix (though really it should be called Baby Boi and His Many Abusers)
Have a Merry Christmas if you celebrate, have some happy holidays, and enjoy this time to have a break from school!!
Stay safe kiddos, murder anyone who forces you to scar yourself!
Love you all so much <3<3<3<3
~Ink
