Monday, September 7, 2020
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Random bursts of rage are always fun! Staring at the bathroom mirror, wanting to throttle someone's throat but instead going through my before-bed routine, wanting to destroy everything but instead just typing out what I want to do but can't.
Not even being sure what I'm mad at.
Am I mad at myself, for not working ahead and doing work I'll have to do tomorrow?
Am I mad at my sister for setting it up so I empty and fill the dishwasher, dish up two bowls of ice cream, walk down to the basement with a spoon of ice cream for my mom on the treadmill, and put away the ice cream cartons?
Am I mad at my parents are putting a lock on my phone so the one conversation I've had with my friend all day besides exchanging 'good mornings' was shut down?
Am I mad at school for putting so much pressure on me already?
Am I mad at my brain for making me worried about writing deadlines when I have 2 out of the 3 chapters due this week done already?
Am I mad at the world for being so goddamn shitty?
Am I mad at being too nervous to come out as not Catholic to my mom as she talks about confirmation and I'm like "NO NO NO NOPE NOPE NOT SOMETHING I WANT" but on the inside because I'm too scared of confrontation?
Am I mad that I feel weird wearing a shirt that accents my curves and chest a little too much?
Am I mad that my mom will being working at home this week so I can't do anything I've been doing the past week during school?
Am I mad at my friends a little for not remembering that we were supposed to have a zoom this weekend but no one brought it up and because I always bring it up, I got nervous I was the only one pushing for it?
Am I scared because I'm lonely and keep doubting that anyone actually wants to deal with me and are trying their best to run away from me?
Am I just hiding my more complicated emotions under anger because I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things because I internalized everything and have a hard time reaching out to others because of my crushing thought process that everyone's busy and don't need to deal with my shit and also the fact that I don't want to worry anyone or go to my parents to ask for anything because I alway feel like a needy pathetic brat?
Do I seriously need to talk to a doctor or therapist about what's going on in my head but am too scared to ask my parents to help me contact someone or find out that they told my parents everything I told them and that my privacy means nothing or that I may over exaggerate or understate what's going on?
Yes
Stay safe kiddos, I hope school goes/is going well for you!
Love you <3<3<3
~Ink
