It hadn't taken very long after I had pulled away to answer Aurie's questions on whether or not I'm okay at the moment and for him to tell me that he does have some heat tablets but that it'll take him a moment to figure out which bag they got stashed in for their trip for Silas to grow too restless to stay out by the pool, and it had been hard keeping myself out of his arms long enough to text Aurie our room number with a plea for him to please not mind bringing them up to me on his way back out to Lukas and the others... But somehow I had managed it, only to catch a fresh batch of hurt rolling through my vulnerable Daddy, the guilt building up under my skin simmering itself into a rolling that most certainly will eat me alive faster than my oncoming fever.
I try and keep myself quiet as I try not to tumble over my own feet, the onset of symptoms much faster than has ever happened to me before... The first day should be nothing more than some cramping and some shivers... Not a full-blown fever complete with clammy chills and back pain... It feels like my brain is trying to boil itself and I have absolutely no idea how or why Silas can't smell me yet because I am pretty sure that both Lukas and Harper were both repeatedly scenting the air and noticing, and if they were able to scent it over the chlorine BabyBug keeps splashing nearly up their noses there should be no reason that in the enclosed area of the elevator he can't smell me... That he can't feel the clamminess of my palm as we hold hands... It blows my mind that he's not noticing how hard my teeth are chattering or how I can barely manage to hold myself up with how shakey my knees feel...
I know that its really for the best but I can't help but feel a little heartbroken that he's not in the right headspace to notice it but I know that it isn't his fault... I keep telling myself that it's better that he's not noticing... I keep reminding myself that now is not the time no matter how amazing he smells... Or how soothingly cool his palm is... Or how amazing that cool palm would feel touching every... single... inch... of my body...
...
Silas
...
Just as the bell to the elevator chimes I catch a barely-there whimper that makes it that much harder to try and keep holding my breath as much as I can so I don't fall into rut... I had asked him over and over again what was wrong... And he kept insisting he was fine and is still trying to act like everything is fine... And I know he's not fine... He's gone into heat and he feels like he can't trust me to take care of him right now... I had caught the very last couple of whispers from his secret phone conversation unintentionally when he had leaned closer to me to move his hand from my ankle up to my knee to give it a squeeze... And he had been asking about heat tablets... To avoid having to actually deal with his heat...
I'm doing everything in my power not to let myself fall into rut when he clearly does not actually want to act on his heat after seeing me last night... And while I might be able to rebuild the image he had of me before that panic attack and before seeing me cornered and nervous instead of being the strong man he had thought of me as before... I can show him that nothing about me has changed... That my anxiety won't be constant... That having babies won't ever make me feel trapped... Because that's the only reason I can think of that he wouldn't tell me so we could act on his heat right away... That he thinks that I'll eventually get antsy like my Dad did and that he'll end up like Mom always trying to call me home and dealing with the fallout when I am home... And even though I know that I would never ever put him through that I can understand why he might need some reassurance seeing me losing my mind faced with spending a single week in a resort surrounded by other wolves that we don't have to hide in front of like we might have to at a non-shifter run hotel... We could shift and run and romp as long as we showed up when and where we're needed to... But the thought of having to split up for said meetings is what doesn't sit right with me... Spending an entire week with basic strangers unable to keep my sweet Bean safe and where he belongs in my arms... And I can understand how my stressed state doesn't exactly inspire confidence...
It's all I can do to keep myself from breathing through my mouth as we work our way down the hallway, not that it's much better than breathing through my nose would be at the moment, the amount of saliva pooling in my mouth enough to drown a full-grown man... But it's better than the urges I get to push him up against the wall when I have not been invited to that crash through me every time a whiff of his intoxicating pheromones makes its way up through my nostrils...
I want to offer to at least take care of him until whoever he had asked for help manages to bring him the tablets he asked for... But I'm afraid of being shot down with a well-meaning no that I'm sure that he'll have ready for me and a kinder version of the real reason behind it... That I'm in no place mentally to really indulge in his heat, no matter how much I wish we both were up for it... And the only thing I can think about as we manage to unlock our door and slip inside is how much my heart feels like its breaking with how much I've let him down...