I... I am the biggest idiot...
I had focused so hard on my own inner monologue over the outrage I feel over being told that I would not be given the choice to step down as Alpha in order to keep my sweet Princess by my side that I had not given any thought to his actual comfort today, my sex drive over the last twenty-four hours having dropped from the overwhelming desire to slam my sweet boy into every available flat surface and breed his brains out constantly... To zilch happening behind my zipper... But I hadn't ever stopped to actually dip into his head other than to reach out for one of the gentle nuzzles his consciousness always seems so ready to muster for me whenever he thinks I need or want one... I hadn't considered that while I did notice his own libido had dropped... It hadn't vanished like mine had... And his hormones are most definitely not letting him forget that his heat is looming right over our heads despite the fact that the actual weight of the information slipping my mind...
And my selfishness is only drawn to my attention by my Bean's slow change in behavior as we spend the day by the pool so we can all get some air and the twinges of what I only have in the last hour recognized as pain flitting across his pain even though he's refusing to admit that he's uncomfortable and keeps blocking me from his mind to keep me from proving that he's breaking the rule about not lying to me...
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Adrian
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I know that this really isn't okay for me to do... To not be honest...Or rather... Completely honest... But every time I pick up on the thought of having to go back to the room in Silas's mind it's surrounded by a swirl of heavy negative imposition in his mind from his wolf and I don't have it in me to even attempt to suggest we go back inside where he feels so uncomfortable... I just can't do that to him just because I'm getting a little overwhelmed by the way my body has decided to act up in the last couple of hours that we've been lounging.
It hadn't started out very bad... But around the same time Harper was able to lure Cricket into the water I had started to feel the telltale tugging at my very center that always acts as an early warning to the other discomforts that normally tell me when my heat is about to start... And at first, I had been excited... And then I had realized that now really isn't the time or the place that either of us wanted this to happen... And I can't help but feel like maybe if I can hold off on indulging the urges that are currently responsible for the cramps rolling through my abdomen that maybe I can avoid bugging Silas about my heat until we make it home... Or at least until the conference itself is over and his anxiety eases up a bit...
I don't want him to feel like he needs to take care of me right now when he is so obviously very unsettled by the rules being forced upon us... So... Even if it means asking Aurie or Cricket if either of them has any heat relief tablets or if they can possibly secret them to me... I can suck it up and deal with the fallout until I know Daddy is going to be okay... And I still have time... Silas hasn't shown any signs of smelling me or starting what he had explained to me is called Rut, his own version of heat that will start when I go into mine, I know there is still some time left to find some medicine to relieve the cramping and dizziness, and most of them are designed to combat the fever that comes with denying yourself during your cycle... If I could just get enough of them together to last us the week, or even some gardenia scented perfume to help hide my scent from Silas's nose... everything will be okay. It has to be okay. For Daddy.
I know I am more than capable of being a good boy and not touching... And it's the least I can do to follow the rest of the rules as much as I can right now since lying by omission is still lying, the spankings I'm sure to get not going to be of the pleasurable fun kind if Silas is even willing to touch me at all when I finally admit that I not only kept the truth from him... But that I kept my heat from him instead of letting him coddle me like we had planned to do...
And yes... It hurts to think that with how things are seeming to start lining up that by the time the conference is over my heat might be too... The pills might dry it up early... And if it does... We'll have to wait another three months before I have another one, and that will be three more months of no baby...
Just thinking about what I'm planning to do leaves me feeling sick to my stomach and not really up for trying to interact with everyone the right way, my friends and their mates all shooting me worried glances as they watch me being too shy to really lean into my mate, but not chipper or okay enough to join them splashing in the water... Aurie still shaded in the chair next to us repeatedly asking if I'm alright as I continue to withdraw from them all enough to keep myself from breaking down just a little bit... Because I need to be strong for Daddy right now... I need to buck up and try my best to pretend like my lower belly isn't currently hosting the flock of butterflies that normally flutter to life every time Daddy does something that makes me realize how much I love him... Except in this instance, they're all being chased by an entire colony of super-aggressive angry hornets that sting me just as often as they take out my fluttery friends...
A feeling... Just like how my skin is starting to crawl from lack of the right touch and trying not to dwell on the fact that I'm sacrificing the chance at the baby we both want for the emotional well-being of my partner... It is a feeling I am going to have to get used to for the time being... Because at the moment its whats best for us.