26th january 2020
i was woken up today by yoona shaking me and saying "good morning , its time to wake up"
i raised my head slightly and looked at the staff members rushing into the room and setting up.there was about 7 cameras pointed at my face.
yoona opened the curtains and handed me an iPad with a note saying " the three with the red bands on the lens are vogue and the usual 2 are diamond diaries and there is 2 for the year end film."
me: ahhh , i see.good morning everyone.how are you all?im diamond .
the vogue presenter introduced himself as i got up out of bed and stumbled.
vogue was to be here with me today as i got ready for the grammys and they were going to follow me around on day.i got up and went to the toilet and brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water.i went to the dining table that was a few metres from my bed and faced towards the balcony.
i sat down and got my laptop out and began working.within seconds , a masseuse had begun massaging my face.after that the makeup team began putting on the basic makeup as i read emails and texted people.
then once they were finished i closed my laptop and headed to the bed where my outfit was payed out.i explained to the cameras the basis of the outfit and from when we began on deciding the designer and what to wear. the team who created the dress were here today and were to assist me until the red carpet on the dress.
me: mr murad and i have met a few times in paris and new york and then when i saw a design of his , it was so stunning i contacted him right away and asked him if he could create a dress for me , for the grammy's. i was delighted that he accepted.
it took us about 30 minutes to get me into the dress and perfectly ready. it was literally humungous and hard to get into. before i got into it , i went to the toilet for the last time in hours.
once i was in the dress i wanted to cry , it was so beautiful.the designer complimented me and the cameras focused on the dress.
i stood waiting for the shoes to be taken out of their boxes. once the shoes were taken out of the boxes , staff members helped me get into them and then they grabbed me a stool so that i could lean on something whilst my makeup and hair got completed.
it took about two hours for me to finish getting ready. once i was i sat down and waited for vogue to begin the official interview.
interviewer: now this dress is going to be in the bridal fall collection of 2020 for mr murad. why choose the bridal collection for the grammys instead of the haute collection?
me: acctually , i saw a 2018 design of his from his bridal collection and i messaged him asking for him to design a dress for me . then when i got the drawings and the vision that he had , me and my team accepted the official deal and the dress began being produced. then a few weeks ago mr murad proposed that he add this to his bridal collection and i was honoured to be able to wear it before the rest of the collection comes out.
the interviewer began asking me more questions on the outfit and how i envisioned the day to go.once they were done yoona got me a drink and i stood up with the help of her to head towards the car, cameras still filming.
before i left the room there was knocking on the door before it opened and the members walked in.
me: woooah , you guys look so good you know!
they complimented me and the dress and then i mentioned how the all looked so good.
yoongi: the sides of the dress look like pillows , i could literally make a bed out of it in the middle of the show.
me: hahahaha
david: guys , we all need to head out now. eunha you are leaving to get in the car first because your car arrived earlier and we need to clear the road in front of the hotel out.we got your drinks and we have your bag with snack and stuff.
i nodded and i dragged the myself and the dress and walked out of the hotel room.
my team and i walked down the hallways as staff members got out of the way for the dress and we waited for the elevator.the staff members took the other elevators before me and headed downstairs and after ten minutes , i went down. once i was in the lobby all eyes were on me. its not everyday you see someone in a hotel wearing a dress so large with a massive crowd around her.
we got outside and walked on a carpet that led me to a car. in the car i stood up standing , so that the dress wouldn't crease on our way there.it was only ten minute ride.the car began moving and as we left i saw the boys walk out and get into their car.as we drove to the venue , bts overtook us and we slowed down so that we would arrive on time.
after a dreadfully long ride , which was only acctually ten minutes , we pulled up to the red carpet.i watched as the car infant of us opened its door and led their guest out. by now everyone in the car was talking and extremely stressed out, everyone saying one thing. we pulled up and a security guard opened the door. screams erupted and the cameras all panned to the car as i watched from inside. presenters were shouting , hoping to get their voices heard from over the screams of fans.
david and yoona stepped out before me and i heard people screaming their names and then my name. they each stood on a side and held their hand out so that i could hold onto something as i walked out and down the car steps.
the sun beamed onto the dress and i smiled as i walked down the red carpet. staff members rushed around me to get photographs and videos.i was meant to go to the camera crew for the grammy staff first , but i walked towards the fans and i spoke to them for a bit . i signed albums and took pictures with them until i had to go back to the schedule.
i saw the grammy presenters first and spoke to them for bit and they were chill , then i walked over to the main photographing area and posed for a bit. i recognised some korea reporters and media companies who were here. everyone screaming in a different language confused me and was acctually somewhat amusing to watch.
once i fisniehd with the phots i was called my a loud voice , i turned and it was liao standing in her white versace dress.i greeted her and gave her a hug whilst we spoke about how much we loved each other. i sung her hit songs and i literally fan grilled so hard , she took a photo with me on her phone and then out separate staff members photographed us as we posed for them.
a few steps more and i took more photographs .only to see cardi b pass by and introduce herself to me.she seemed nice and was surprisingly shorter than me.she was wearing custom mugler which was easily recognisable and asked me for a collaboration some day.
me: some day , but i dont collaborate with anyone...yet
cardi: my team reached out to your team but we didn't hear back
me: oh , i am awfully sorry about that.i wasn't aware.
what a lie , i knew and i told them to ignore.
she spoke about how she saw my dance covers to her songs on my tour and how she posted it on instagram. i was aware of that too but i just acted nice to her , she seemed quite nice to be honest. she took her photos too and left.my photographer pictured us whilst we were talking. as i was about to move again , i hear another high pitched voice
" oh my god , its DIAMOND!!!"
i turn around confused and stare at the person who screamed my name.it was ariana grande. she jogged over to me inter heavy dress and wanted to give me a hug until her stylist stopped her because my beads would have ripped her dress. she tanked me for the album mi sent her via jungkook from when he went to her concert and she also thanked me for offering her a guest spot on my tour for one of the dates. before we could continue talking her publicist asked her to move along after taking pictures with me because she was behind schedule. we took our pictures and she left.
david handed me a starbucks ice coffee frappuccino and i drank some before handing it back to him.i stepped a few steps forwards and let photographers and fans take photos until i saw this huge highlighter step out from behind his guard.
he greeted me and spoke about how excited he was for today.
Lil nas x: i am so glad you accepted the collaboration with RM. i was honoured.you look so nice today oh my god.
me: you look great too , versace right?
he nodded and he spoke to me about the performance until we had our photos taken.
i walk down the carpet a bit and do a few interviews.in the middle of one of the interviews someone literally yelled my name out and it scared me.this small girl like jobs over to me in her chains and oversized clothes and gets stopped by my security until i had to step away from the interviewer and ask them to leave her be and it was billie eilish.
she joined me for that interview and the entire time we were just complimenting each other and talking about how we saw each other at fashion week.
billie: i tried to talk to you at the gucci fashion show but you were like surrounded by so many cameras and guards that i was nervous.i even took my album that day so that you could sign it.oh my brother is over there waiting for me in another interview so i need to go , but i am excited for your new album to drop...bye.
it was so random yet so fast paced.
i went on and did another interview.i finished it and as i went to walk ahead some more i saw group of 6 people walking together and talking and i literally wanted to cry.they all noticed me and came up to me and i literally had to get tissues from yoona unnie.i greeted them and gave them all hugs and they were so nice to me
me: NO NO NO. i am going to cry , what the fuck!
nick: why would you cry?
me: you dont understand i literally watched the camp rock movies on replay. i will sign every fucking song there is right here with you with out any flaws.
joe: oh my god really?!
me: literally and now you are all married to some of the most amazing women alive and its like a full circle moment for me.
sophie: no darling , dont cry.
me: im trying , look my makeup team and staring me down over there.
yoona : sorry to bother you , but eunha we need to keep moving because you are like fifteen minutes behind schedule.
kevin: well lets all take a picture with you , okay? and then we will talk some more once we are inside later on
we took out pictures and i got led to a interview with harpers bazaar.
after the interview yoona whispered into my ear something that i almost laughed at
yoona: when you were talking , camilla cabello was behind you and she stared you down and looked you up and down.she was with shawn and he tried to come and talk to you but she said no and forced him to stay there. he got quite angry and stopped holding her hand after that.i dont think that she realised the that interview caught all of this and because it was on live stream , its now viral...
me: shit!that hilarious. oh well , not my problem. i dont like her anyway.could i drink some coffee please , my mouth is so dry.
she handed me my coffee and i drank some.then i went back to the carpet and did another interview .after i fisnihed that i was walking until shawn mendes comes up to me
shawn : hey! how are you?its been so long since we last saw each other
he put his hands out for a hug and i hugged him before whispering " you ran away?" im dying of laughter".he whispered back " you dont even know the pain i am going through"
me: anyway , how have you been? are you ready for the tour date?
we talked for a bit about touring and travelling and then we take pictures and he leaves to go and join camilla again.after him liza kosher comes up to me and she takes a selfie and we briefly convert until she gets dragged away, she was so pretty and so nice .
i had another interview and then as i was walking , i screamed out.
me: OH MY GOD ITS LEWIS CAPALDIIIIIIII
he turns around and looks for a moment before screaming.
lewis: OH MY GOD ITS DIAMMOOOOONNNDDDDD.hello, oh my god you look like you are getting married.
me: well , it is going to be in the bridal collection so, how are you ?
lewis: great , great. honoured to be here. its my first time meeting you and speaking to you but i have seen all your covers and the one you did as a tribute. it made me tear up a lot , it really did.
me: aww ,that's lovely to hear, i saw your covers too they were amazing.
lewis: yeah but not really , they were shit.i cant believe i get to see you and talk to you.you are like....diamond and i am lewis. i am like a peasant compared to the queen
me: what! umm , its the other way around first of all.dude i literally worship you , you are like a god compared to me!
the grammy staff member who was in charge of getting me around came up to us and barged past my security guards and got my attention before saying " miss diamond , we really need to get moving you are behind schedule and you might enter at a point where it is less secure for you.please can we move ahead?"
lewis: well , i think you should go ahead , i have a few interviews. i will see you inside. i think your photographer and video person wants a photo and moment of us together...lets pose then.
we posed and had a few photos taken .i laughed and said goodbye to him as i left.we walked towards the entrance and i spotted someone and i ditched my staff and ran to him whilst he was alone.
me: YOOOOO your the slow mo film maker , i saw all your videos dude your amazing.
he stuttered for a second until he thanked me and asked me to do a slow mo.
me: oh my god , yes please . this is like my favourite think ever. wait , i need like a tutorial on how to do it.
he gave me a small pointer and moved behind the camera. "3 , 2, 1"
I did like a hair flip and a ruffle of my dress with the other hand whilst staring at the camera.
me: oh wow that was so scary you know. did it turn out nice?
he nods and puts two thumbs up.
my schedule co ordinator thanks him and we make our move to go inside. once we get inside we go through a series of hallways until we reach the first floor.we walked out from the doors and screams erupted around the venue. i could see all the its and diamond lightsticks around the seats. i grabbed my phone from david and began filming them. i waved and smiled at them and we continued to walk down to the seats.
as i was walking i saw the chef from yesterday, i stopped in my tracks and waved at him . he came up to me with his daughter behind him.
chef: oh my god , you look amazing. its great to see you here. meet my lovely daughter
she comes out from behind him , she seems to be a teenager. she wore a black silk gown.she tears and begins to cry as she tries to say her name. he dad doesn't know what to do and simply stands staring.i reached out and put my arms around her as she weeps around me.
me: oh my god , you can cry as much as you need . i am here for you. but raise your head , your crown is falling.
she wasn't wearing an actual crown , i was talking about a metaphorical crown.
once she calms down , her makeup is streamed and she looks like a mess.my makeup team anxiously wait behind me as they spot the mess.i turn around and ask them to re do her makeup and they practically run over in gratitude , they usually hate it when they see others makeup ruined.
they re do her makeup in a matter of minutes as she talks to me about why she is a fan of me. she was so pretty and she seemed like a lovely person. once they re-did her makeup they step back and i talk to her and her dad. in the middle of my speech to her the grammy schedule co ordinator grabs my hand and asks me to move ahead because i am meant to be seated by now . i shake her hand off and continue talking to the chef's daughter as yoona drags her away.
once i finish talking to her i gave her a hug goodbye and thank her dad for brining her , although he was invited after being friends with a few of the event planners.
i left them and headed towards my seat.i had front row and i was sitting directly in the middle of the front stage and i had the best view of everything. as i walk up to the seat i see that there are three cameras all panned to my seat already and i am not even sat down.i go to sit down until i hear korean voices.the members were here
me: ayyyyy , good morning guys
the walk up to me with their guards and staff members. i saw a few cameras behind them with our staff members holding them , ah bangtan bomb.
namjoon: did you see lil was x?
me: yeah , i did. he was wearing a versace outfit and he was so much taller than i thought. he was really nice. jungkook hyung , ariana thanked me for the album that you gave her and she said she was really happy that you went to her concert.
jungkook: ah really?
taehyung: did you see anyone else? we saw loads of people
me: you saw quite a few people.umm , billie eilish , lewis capaldi , ariana , the jonas brothers and their wives.yeah quite a ew
me: yeah i saw him too for like three minutes or so.
jimin cuffed his mouth with his hands and whispered into my ears
jimin: yeah and shawn mendes too. did you see the videos of his girlfriend , she looks so angry i swear i have never laughed so much in my life at something so petty.
my mouth dropped as he said that to me.
me: you guys know what he is saying right?
the nod and i laugh
me: yeah , well same.
i cuffed my mouth and whispered into his ear " its as real as jenny and kai "
his moth dropped and he laughed so hard at what i said.
he whispered it to taehyung and they continued talking until they all got the message.
me: i said what i said...it's true.anywayyyyy, we need to sit down soon , are you guys the row behind?
yoongi: yeah , we are.guys lets sit down, everyone is sitting before us.
they moved to their seats and sat down and i stay standing whilst my stylist team try to help me sit down in the massive dress. on my left hand side yoona was sitting next to me and she was seating in-between me and david. on my right hand side i had a camerawoman who was holding the 'diamond diaries'camera.on the rest of the front row , my staff met hers were seated and watching the show.
i sat through a few performances and awards, each of which i clapped for and congratulated the winners and performers for. the saddening thing is that , for every event , the cameras would pan over to me so that my reaction gets filmed.after about an hour of sitting down , the members stand up and go to change for their performance with lil was x.
i watched a few more awards and speeches, and then lil was x was onstage performing.
he began singing and i asked david to pass me my glasses that were in my bag. i put my glasses on and stood up. the staff members stood up too and we sung with them and danced . it was a shirt 20 second performance at the most.once they left the stage we sat back down and watched the rest of lil nas x's performance
i was meant to be performing before them , but with a lot of persuasion and arguments i managed to change the schedule. i didn't like the idea that i would receive the record of being the first kpop idol to perform and to possibly win an award at the grammy's. i wanted them to receive that tittle and although i never told them , i am so happy that they got that record.once their performance ended , i walked away from the seats and went backstage.
backstage we rushed to the green room and i got changed and had a complete make over.
i was changed and i was filmed getting ready.
my hair was flowing on my shoulders and i wore simplistic jewellery
once i was ready i headed out of the room and towards the platform.i heard a few footsteps behind me and the members were behind me , in different outfits.
there was 8 thrones on the platforms with out initials engraved into them in gold on the purple velvet.
we sat on them and makeup stylists did their final checks before my seat rose first to the announcement of our performance.
my seat rose and i sighed.
the performance began. the set design was insane , we spent hundred of thousands of our own money on it. it looked like the inside of a castle.
7 other seats rose and we all posed for a few seconds until the music began. it was my latest song , but it hadn't been released . hours before we released the lyrics and the fan chant and fans had learnt it off by heart.
one by one they all had their moments singing and performing with me and it was spectacular. during namjoon hyungs moment he rapped and i harmonised with him. then when it was seokjin hyungs moment we both sang.similarly , for each member we had organised a section that would be memorable and easily made viral. we look like royals , each of us decked out in amazing outfits . i had choreo through out the entire song and in this outfit and heels , oh my god i dont know how i managed it.
for the last verse and chorus , we were all onstage dancing with about 100 back up dancers behind us .
once the song finished , the dancers ran off stage and we walked back to our throne and sat on them. it ended with a red curtain dropping , we also payed for that ourselves , and the thrones were lowered behind the curtains.
once we were backstage , i was panting and breathing hard. yoona and david were waiting for me with tears in their eye and they helped me stand up. we walked away from the under side of the stage and we moved back to our green room. i walked in with everyone clapping whilst david and yoona held onto me from each side.i clapped with them and thanked them all.
i flopped onto the sofa and began tearing up as my makeup was removed once again.
i had yet another makeover and outfit change as i headed back out. this outfit was surprisingly heavier than the other dress and i couldnt wear it with those heels that digged into my ankles and made me want to cut my own leg off.so we had a outfit change.
it matched my red carpet dress and i loved it. it was airy and light.as i sat and calmed my breathing down whilst the hard working stylists and make up artists worked their magic, the boys entered and they seemed to have relaxed too.
me: hyung , we did it!
we celebrated and they sat down as we spoke for few minutes. there were cameras everywhere so we filtered what we said .
me: you know when me and jungkook were singing, i looked down at a fan and she was crying so badly you know
jungkook: the one with the purple dress?
me: yeah. i wish i could give her a hug. she seemed to like the song though
they began talking about the red carpet as i sat and had my makeup finished.
namjoon: the slow mo slip second camera was the best bit in my opinion
me: i literally fan grilled over him , it was so funny because he looked so confused.
jin: it went by so fast , i though i was hallucinating
jimin: have you ate yet?
me: i have been through about 6 coffee frapacinos and you know the lady that is guiding me around , every time she sees me finish a cup she jut stares at me .hahhahahahahahahaha , its so funny , and at one point she turned to yoona unnie and said "is she okay with that much caffeine?"
they laughed with me and my makeup artists stood back as they finished the look.
i thanked them and got up from the seat
me: i thought my bag was here , but i think it is with one of the guards who is still by the seating area...it has all my snacks in it.
yoongi: do we have two hours left?
me: uh , yeah . a few performances and awards
an american lady knocked on the door and entered before telling us that we needed to head to the seating area.the members went up ahead and left to sit down.jungkook and taehyung stayed behind as they quickly went to the toilet in my green room. i waited for them so we could leave together.
as we headed back to our seats we walked down the hallway and we just talking about the performance before we ran into someone. it was a screaming fan literally shouting my name
she ran down the corridor dressed head to toe in merchandise and she screamed my name , i literally turned around because i thought someone had died.she ran down the corridor and the american security guards grabbed her and picked her up via her arms so violently and they began screaming at her. then the korean guards , team 1 , they formed a circle around us and they tried to get us to hurry down to our seats.i watched as three guards grabbed her, the pushed her straight into the wall and held her arms and legs down.
me: yo yo , chill. drop her man, what are you doing?
the american guards stared at me wide eyed and dropped her to the floor , she fell to her knees. i pushed my guards out of the way and ran to her.
me: hey are you okay? are you hurt ?
she looked up at me and began sobbing.i turned back to yoona and the boys , they shrugged.my guards were surfing me by now.what am i meant to do?
yoona: turn off the cameras please. now.
the cameras all turned off and everyone stared.
me: are you okay? do you need some help?...is it okay if i hug you? i think you need it.
she broke out into a violent cry.
i put my arms around her and hugged her whilst lifting her up back onto her feet.my stylist ran over to me and put some cheap ass cloth under her head so that my dress doesn't get ruining , i stared at her as she walked back .
i patted her head and lifted her chin
me: are you okay? what's going on?
the fan weeped through her words until she calmed down. i seriously had no idea what she was saying.
i asked yoona for some wipes and once she handed them to me i wiped her tears with it.
whilst she tried to calm down yoona rushed over to me , randomly , and whispered into my ear
yoona: you need to acctually hurry up , we need to leave.
i told her to give us some space. for about five minutes i spoke to the fan , she was just a genuine fan who wanted to meet me. although i question how she got here.i told her than she should have been careful because she could have gotten arrested and a restraining order.after that she told me about how much she loved me and her life, i spoke to her about how amazing she was and that she will go far in life. she was so nice and sweet to me. once i finished talking to her , i asked two of my korean guards to escort her to her seats.after she left and was out of my sight i turned to the three american guards who grabbed her
me: if you ever , and i swear by this , ever touch a fan like that again , i will fucking loose my mind. she had no weapons , she wasn't in the list that we sent you (of people to look out for), she was clearly a a fucking minor , she was vulnerable and crying her eyes out in the middle of a panic attack. yet you GRABBED her by the arms , you grabbed her by the legs and you , sir , you pushed her so hard into that fucking wall she could have had a concussion or broken her head and died.are you fucking stupid?is this how you treat human life? pathetic. if she had a weapon or at least something that made her a somewhat of a threat , i wouldn't be so angry. but you treated her like that despite this and that is not doing your job. you are just being fucking violent for no reason at all.
two of the guards held their heads down whilst another stared at me.
me: i want you guys to go home. i dont even need guards like this. i won't mention it to your company , but i swear if i see you do it again , i will loose it.
i switched to korean and asked two guards to escort them out.i turned back and walked back to jungkook and taehyung who had their mouths open in confusion.
jungkook: i dont know most of what you said but that didn't seem nice at all.
taehyung: i now understand how scared the members were when we had that fight
me: they could have killed her , she was a vunerable child , i mean come on?! yoona unnie , can you ensure that i dont see them again for the rest of my time here , change their shifts to
we walked back to our seats and whilst the cameras were off , we talked about the guard and how they treated her.
once we got back to our seats we stand down and watched an award being given out. there was a slight break, and i turned around and spoke to the members
namjoon: you told them to go home?
me: they told you already?
hoseok: it was like a chinese whispers game , haha. but what happened?
i gathered the five confused members close and whispered the story to them as i covered my mouth so cameras could film it from far away.
they all had widened eyes and shocked faces.i moved back and nodded my head
me: and you know that i have been getting really angry these days too. but guys if you talk over your mouths so cameras dont see. i am doing that too just in case
jin: did they leave?
me: yeah , got two guards to escort them out and two guards to escort the fan to her seat.
namjoon: how did the fan even get backstage though?
me: she said that she has a friend who works as security here and with her help she got in.
hoseok: was there anyone else in the corridor who saw?
me: no , it was just our staff and a few catering people running around and a few cleaning staff members.
yoongi: i should have stayed to watch you screaming, hahahahaha. if it isn't with taehyung then its funny to watch.
me: dude seriously? david hyung , can you pass me the pepero chocolate snacks in my bag?
he hands me the snack and i divide it between staff and members, when i go to reach for one for myself there are none left. i ask him to put it back into the bag
jungkook: did you have one?
i nod
jimin: liar, here have mine.
jungkook: its okay , i brought a packet of chocolate pandas. she can have them.
he reaches under his chair and hands me them after opening it.i hold it and then put it in front of him so he can take some.he grabs a few. i take three out and hand the packet back to him.i turn around again and talk to yoona until the award show carries on. after two more performance and a speech . it was time for the "best new artist award".
dead ass , im not even going to win.i will be honest i didn't even prepare a speech because i am so certain that i won't win. a nomination is enough for me.
dua lipa got onto the stage as alecia keys spoke. she had the envelope in her hands and she began talking about the nominees. she read our names out and once it got to my name, i smiled at the camera and the screams got really loud.
dua lipa: and the grammy award for 'best new artist 2020' goes too......
i had completely blocked out the rest of what she said , i didn't even bother listening. she said some name and i clapped as everyone else screamed. must have been billie eilish or something.i looked at the monitor and it was pointing to me. i smiled and clapped whilst sitting in my seat.it was still on me , i looked around and yoona was standing up screaming at me , but i couldnt hear her.
the members were behind me and they were stood up too, clapping and shouting.no one was walking towards the stage. did she read the name out.
jungkook grabbed my shoulders and shook some life into me as i began to hear voices again
yoona: YOU WON , GET UP! SHE WON , OH MY GOD
i stopped clapping, my mouth dropped, my breathing stopped and my eyes widened in shock.
yoona grabbed my shoulders and made me stand up.
me: wait , say sike right now. oh shit!
i began walking to the stage , i was confused , i looked around a few times , still unaware of what happened as yoona pushed me to walk.once i got to the steps , i turned back around and ran to where all the staff members were.
i motioned for them to follow me , the 'diamond diaries ' camerawoman followed me .
me: hyung , unnie , everyone follow me.
i stood for a few seconds until the listened. i walked back towards the stage with my entire team , the bts members and the guards who were sitting with us.
i walked up the stairs , holding my dress up so i dont trip. the bts members , yoona and david were directly behind me.
i walked up to dua and alicia and they congratulated me and handed me the award. they were then guided off stage and i was on the stage with confused staff members
i began speaking in english to the microphone whilst holding the award.i stared at it for a bit.
me: umm , hello
cheers echoed across the venue
me: uh , first of all , i am so confused....uh when dua lipa unnie said the award , i kind of zoned out. i didn't think i would win , like i really didn't. i just clapped for the winner. umm i didn't even write a speech, i had months to write a speech and , well here i am confused lost and looking a bit like clown..
i looked around behind me with the staff members who looked embarrased
me: i have a lot to say , so please give me the time...when i walked up , i came alone. but i turned back and after a bit of shouting i got everyone, who was with me to follow me. if i stood on this stage alone holding the award , it wouldn't be a fair representation of how i got here. it is a shame that i cannot bring my entire company and fanbase onto the stage with me...to my wonderful guards who protect my life and hang out with me whilst i get lonely , thank you. to my amazing hair stylist team , who i drive nuts, because i am scared to dye my hair and my hair is so damaged by the heat , thank you. to my stunning make up team who transform me into from looking like i haven't slept in ten years into someone who looks like they have their life together , thank you . i dont know how you do it with just a brush.
i began looking at the staff members behind me as i addressed them , shame that some are backstage.
me: to the talented dancers who perform onstage and make the performances ten times better. to the sound technicians and the producers and choreographers. without you guys, i wouldn't even be able to have released my album and performed.
i looked at david and yoona who were smiling at me so contempt whilst holding hands.
me: to david hyung , you have been by my side since 2013 and before that as a childhood friend and brother. we have gone through so much , i never tell you this but i am so glad that i have you by my side. thank you for protecting me and getting me through so much. to yoona unnie , thank you so much for being with me since 2013 and even before that as a childhood friend and sister you organise everything and help me with everything that i need and i don't know how you manage it because i am literally the most annoying person on earth.i am so glad that you stick by my side.
i began tearing up
me: to the txt members who are probably watching this right now, thank you so much for giving me hope when i need it. you guys are so talented and you deserve the world.
i turned to my left and saw the boys smiling and staring at me.
me: namjoon hyung , thank you for being there for me for all my stupid moments to slap some sense into me . i know i am over emotional and annoying. you keep me mentally stable, when others cant
he laughed and looked down
me: to jin hyung , you are the older brother i always wished i had.you are mature and yet so young , you never age a single day and you are there to calm me down when i go insane, which is very often. you always check up on me and you know when i am not alright. thank you
he closed his eyes for a second and smiled me , he threw up two thumbs up and it made me laugh
me: to hoseok hyung , thank you for being there for all my rants and issues. you are so talented and i wish i was there for you before i joined bighit. you always send me demos and critisize me to improve my skills , please do it more i lack a lot of talent. you always put me in my place when i get out of line and i am so thankful that you do.
he grinned and i swear the room got brighter
me: yoongi hyung, boy am i glad that you are around. we do crazy things and we do mature things. we argue and we rant together and despite how calm we look, we are both equally as crazy as each other.i am so excited for your future and i want to thank you for always putting me in my place and telling me wrong from right when others dont. you always go out of your way and care for us and even though you think i dont notice , i do ..thank you so much.
i turned and looked at jimin who was somewhat taller than yoongi.
me: to jimin hyung , thank you for being the caring angel we all need.you always go out of your way to see if i am okay and even though i never open up and tell you about how i feel , i am grateful that you care so much.i know we had a lot of arguments around 2016 , but i am glad we have gotten happier and nicer as time went by.
jimin smiled even though i am certain he didn't know what i said , i looked at jungkook who was next to him.
me: jungkook hyung , we grew a lot didn't we? i am so glad that you stick by my side when i do crazy and stupid things. we had a few arguments back in 2013 and yet we grew together and became who we are now. i am so glad that we listened to each other back then and i hope i see you grow more. even though we joke a lot now and we are like twins , you are far more mature than me emotionally and i hope you can teach me how to be like you.thank you so much
i turned to taehyung who smiled at me so happily.
me: hyung...its scary how alike we are.no? we have the same music taste , similar thoughts. artistically values and feelings?when i first hear 'winter bear' i cried so hard you know.and , and around 2017 when you were going through a hard time , i am sorry that i wasn't there for you and i could only reach you through texts and calls.and even though , recently our arguments have been really bad and we had to be pulled apart from our fights, it is important that you are award that you mean a lot to us... i know i am not perfect and i am messed up in my own ways , but i am trying to get better and i will. i promise. thank you for slapping reality into me , but maybe next time we should avoid letting our arguments get as far as it did that time.
a tear slid down my cheek as i faced the main camera, i switched to korean
me: to the korean people watching this now , i entered an industry at a young age and i fought with everyone to get to a debut stage. i lost friends and family . i lost loved ones and people who i thought loved me. i am honoured to be the first korean artist to receive a grammy award , but it is important to know that i won't be the only one.
i switched back to english.
me: i grew up hoping i could be the 'next' this person or that person. but the more i lived , the more i realised that i dont. no one should try to be the 'next diamond'. instead , be yourself. connect with the outer world and live life to the fullest because , trust me , life is unpredictable.
i wiped the tears off my cheek and smiled
me: to the only person who deserves this award, my amazing gems...i am sorry that i am not perfect and that i can always give you what you want.it breaks my heart that i won't be able to see you all. i thank you for being there to lift me up when i fall down. to fly with me , when i dont have wings, to walk by my side on an unpaved trail , to hold my hand when i dont even trust myself...this year , well actually recently i began to process my preparations for my retirement..it shocked yoona unnie and david hyung and the staff who were aware , which is only about three other people...in the end yoona unnie persuaded me to do this tour and comeback for you guys and i dont regret it...but even as i speak now , i feel as though i am walking in a desert.just when i see something that i think is real it turns out to be a mirage...i am lost and confused
tears slid down my cheek and my voice cracked
me: i will hurry up so i don't regret everything i say, but i love you guys so much you dont even understand. whenever i finish a concert i cry in the hotel rooms because it had to finish. when we release tour dates my heart physically aches because we are unable to go to some countries.i promise you , and i swear on my life to this , i will do everything in my power to bring you guys happiness and love as much as i can..
the lightsticks began turning purple and i was just crying at this point.
i switched back to korean
me: to jonghyun hyung , Sulli unnie and hara unnie... so are you happy now? i am sorry and i hate myself for not being there as much as i could...i hope you are happy . are you proud of me?
i went back to english
me: thank you every one , gems i love you.
i bowed 90 degrees to the camera and held my arms over my chest (so nothing bad is seen from the camera).the cameras turned to alecia who introduced another performance. the staff members began walking off and i followed them. once i got to the steps , yoona held her hand out for me at the bottom whilst i walked down.
we headed back stage and i just burst out crying as the cameras filmed me , i couldnt even hide it anymore. yoona held one of my arms and guide me to my green room where i walked in and saw the crying staff members.yoona hugged me and i just wept in her arms until i had no more tears left. the members stood by the sofa and jimin patted my back as i wept.david stood by the door and stared.
once i finally stopped crying i sat on the sofa and stared at the wall whilst namjoon spoke to the members and staff , cameras still filming.
yoongi: but what was the retire bit , is it the right translation as what i said or?
namjoon: yeah , i heard it too and i was so shocked .what was that about
me: i didn't tell you guys...but i have been planning my official retirement.
jimin: WHAT?!
me: we can talk about it later...but right now lets talk about how stupid i looked when she said my name
everyone was quiet and shocked by my statement , namjoon and yoona got the hint and imminently changed the topic
namjoon: wahhh , you were just clapping as we screamed and it was so funny , i literally was shouting your name and you didn't even realise.
jungkook: i thought she was having a heart attack you know!i had to shake her to get her to realise
me: guys , after the said " the aware goes too..."i just stopped listening. i knew it wouldn't have been me so i just started clapping. then i saw myself on the monitor and everyone around em screaming shouting and jumping , but i couldnt hear anything.it was like am vie and then jungkook hyung shook my shoulders and reality hit in.
david:i was laughing so hard at your reaction . you looked so funny , i swear to god.
yoongi: once she finally got up i went to listen to her as she spoke and then she turns around and i nearly died , i thought she was refusing to get the prize for a moment and then , even worse e, she tells us to join her and i thought we were going to look stupid.
hoseok: i was so confused why you wanted us all up there . literally i was going to run offstage half way until you began addressing us and i began piecing the broken translations i had in my mind together.and i was like , woooah she is so thoughtful and brave to drag us all on here whilst i look so tried and sleep deprived.
i laughed.
we continued talking for a bit and then they headed back to present an award. i stayed in the room and spoke to the team.they were trying to persuade me to go to the after party whilst doing my makeup.after half an hour , i was dragged out to present the final award of the night before the closing performance.
as i stood behind by the left wing of the stage a staff member handed me the envelope.i looked at it and it said 'record of the year 2020'.my name got called out and i walked onstage.i went to the microphone and read the speech that they wanted me to read and the nominees.
me: the grammy award for 'record of the year' goes to...
i opened the envelope and read the name in my head. i am not surprised , she is the new person they are pushing to be the best , to be honest , she had the award guaranteed to be given to her.although , she is talented and deserves it.
me: "bad guy' by billie eilish.
she had her moment where she realised and nearly died and walks on stage.
she walks over to me, i had her the award and she gives me a hug.
me: well done , you are amazing. congratulations.
billie: bro , your speech made me cry, i am so happy you won.you deserved every ounce of it.
i smiled before a staff member guided me offstage , i walked back to my seat and listen to her speech . she eventually leaves and some time later the event ends.
the rest of the day was chaotic. from leaving , to what happened at the after party ,to the hotel , to the calls and texts i get and to flying to new york.
(it will be in the next chapter)