Inspired Song: I have two actually, World Trade Center Piano Theme by Craig Armstrong (Which I used earlier in TDWMWTDIFFY) and I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz.
Chapter Fifty- I Won't Give Up
I stared down at the papers in front of me. They shouldn't really mean anything to me. They are just the finalization that Tom and Cassie are no more. I wished for this moment for months. Now that it's here, I'm not sure what to make of it. Tom's signature is what throws me off. I honestly didn't think that it would be that easy with him. I figured that he would show back up at my house and beg for an explanation, like he has before. But he didn't. His signature gleams up at me, as if the ink still hasn't dried.
This was supposed to be easy. Just a signature. Nothing more than a signature and it would all be over. Then how come it's so hard to pick up the pen? Maybe it isn't that this is too hard. Maybe the problem is that it is too easy. Maybe this isn't the closure I wanted. Or maybe our relationship seems too important to the history of my life that it seems harsh that it could all be thrown away with nothing but a signature.
Maybe this isn't what I wanted.
No, of course this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be divorced at twenty seven. I didn't want to be divorced at all, but what choice was I left with? Living my life in complete misery, feeling as I could be replaced in an instant, and being so stressed that my mind couldn't function? No, I won't live like that. I'm stubborn enough to never let the rest of my life become so insignificant.
That is all I was to him; insignificant. He didn't care. Out of all the years I have known him, he didn't care about me. He can doubt all of that now all he wants, but I know what was going on through his mind. I wasn't unobservant, I was there, and I remember it all.
Everyone was right from the beginning. I couldn't take being sucked in to an actor's life. I just couldn't do it. Maybe if I had just listened to Taylor and Danny from the beginning I wouldn't be caught up in this web of emotions. Maybe it would have been better for everyone if I had just stayed friends with Tom, denied him my affections. Though I feel that if I had done that, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
So how did everything go so wrong? Where was the mishap that lead to this disastrous end? Why did it all go this way? If it was meant to go this way, how come I just sit here staring at these papers questioning everything?
"Daddy's here!" Lily called as I heard her little feet thumping down the stairs eagerly. She must have seen his car pull up in the drive way.
I sighed and placed the papers back in the manila folder and pushed them to the side as I walked to the front door just as Tom knocked and Lily answered the door.
"Lily! What have I told you about answering the door?!" I scolded her as she flinched back.
"It was Daddy!" She whined, and I rolled my eyes.
"It could have been someone who wanted to hurt you Lil." I explained, almost oblivious to the fact that Tom is watching this display. Almost.
Tom laughed lightly as he bent down to Lily's level and placed his hands on her sides. "Mum's right Koala, you shouldn't answer the door, even if it is me."
Lily swayed from side to side in his hands, "Could we come up with some kind of secret knocking code?" She asked excitedly.
Tom chuckled and nodded, before telling her to go and get her things. The moment her blonde hair disappears as she rounds the corner is the precise moment that the tension fills the air.
He is dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt with sunglasses on the top of his head. His eyes, those light pools of blue, glow disappointedly but he doesn't have bags under his eyes. Which means that he has gotten some sleep. I wish that I could say the same.
He licks his bottom lip and shifts his weight before looking in my eyes. "I actually needed to talk to you about something."
I tucked some of my hair behind my ear nervously, "Okay?"
A slight sigh escaped his moistened lips before he answered, "I'm going to move back to New York." My eyes widen slightly and my lips parted, but he continued talking before I could even think of anything to say. "I will still come and see Lily as much as I can, but I feel like I need to move there; like now after everything, that is where I need to be."
I wanted to tell him that he had to stay. That I forbid him to change continents. But I have no right to. Tom can do whatever he wants, nothing I will say can change that. I know that he thinks that it's over, that I have signed the papers and that they are in the mail. I can't describe how I know, but I do.
I half heartedly, despite my internal struggle, shrug my shoulders, "If that is what you want."
He nodded and looked down at the ground. Maybe he was expecting that I would refuse his plan, or maybe he just doesn't want to look at me. I don't blame him, with everything , I wouldn't want to look at me. I feel so incredibly guilty, and that's stupid because I shouldn't. But the moment that I mentioned the word divorce it was like a switch flicked, and the old Tom peaked out to breathe the fresh air of reality.
"I'm going this weekend." He said after an awkward silence. I was about to reply when Lily came running back down the stairs and practically leapt into his arms.
I smile at the sight of her toothy grin before I looked back at Tom's face. "Alright, well the two of you have fun, and I guess that I will see you soon?" I asked hesitantly staring expectantly at Tom, knowing that they would not be having a fun time if he was going to tell Lily that he was moving.
He nodded before he sadly smiled and turned to leave with Lily attached at his hip.
I tried for the week to be normal. I tried to make it as normal as possible, especially since Lily drifted into a short of depression when she returned to my care. I wanted to cheer her up, but there wasn't anything I could say that would change anything.
It didn't help that the divorce papers lay in the drawer upstairs just waiting for my signature. Instead of focusing on trying to sign the papers, I have been trying to put it off and keep my mind focused on anything else besides Tom's departure and the final step of the divorce.
Today is the day where everything changes whether I sign the damn papers or not. Tom is coming this morning to say goodbye to Lily, and then he will be whisked off to New York some few hours later; almost like he never existed in my life in the first place. It makes my heart ache.
I tore through the drawer this morning to find the papers that have corrupted my life so, and just stared at them in my room for a little while, running through everything that happened in the past and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
There was a light, almost no existent, knock on the bedroom door and in poked the head of Lily. Her face masked in a depressed state, her eyes cast to the ground.
I placed the papers on the newly made bed and patted my lap for her. She just stared at me, "I think that Daddy's here."
I looked at her curiously, usually she bounds down the stairs as if she was being chased only to hear the door bell ring signaling that she wasn't being crazy a moment later. I listened carefully for a few seconds but there was no ringing of the bell or knock on the door to justify her statement. "What makes you say that Lil?"
"His car is in front of the house." She said quietly her face turning to look at the dim light coming through the window. With my heart heavy with her appearance, among other things, I walked towards the window and pulled the light green drapes to the side, glancing through the blinds.
There sat Demon in the drive way. I could just make out Tom's shadow sitting in the driver's side. He was just sitting there though, from what I could tell he made no move to get out of the car anytime soon.
I frowned but turned to Lily who was just staring at the shape of the window; my frown deepened upon her empty shell appearance. Suddenly, looking at her so utterly crestfallen, I realized that the divorce suddenly hit her head on and she finally understood the extent of it.
I walked over to her and held my hand out. She stared at it for a moment before she slipped her small hand in mine and held onto it tightly. I led us down the hallway and down the stairs.
"Mummy, I don't want Daddy to leave" Lily whispered by the time we reached the last step.
I sighed as my bare feet hit the hard wood floors. "I know sweetheart. Have you told him that?"
She wiped her eyes with her forearm as tiny sobs began to erupt. "Oh Lily," I said as she bowed her head and let go of my hand. She crawled her way back up the step and cradled her arms around her stomach as the tears continued to fall.
I looked out the window of the front doors and saw that Tom was making his way up the path. I licked my lips and sighed as I opened the door before he reached the porch.
"Hey," I said with a slight frown, silently hoping that Lily's breakdown would make him stay.
His eyebrows furrowed together as he stepped onto the porch and heard Lily's sob, "...hi."
I opened the door wider and allowed him to enter in the house. He walked straight passed me and kneeled down before Lily. "What's wrong baby girl?"
"I-I don't w-want you to l-leave," She hiccupped as she brought her hands down from her face.
"Koala, I have to leave. Remember what we talked about?" He asked brushing some of her hair out of her face. She nodded violently. "Well," he started with a lighter tone, "how about, if it is okay with Mum , you come say goodbye to me and Timber?" Tom looked up at me expectantly.
At the name of the dog that was a short of second child, I feel my shoulders hunch forward a little. I swallowed my feelings and answered with an attempt of a smile, "Of course."
Lily nodded while trying to wipe the remainder of her tears away, but still continuing to hiccup every now and then. Tom stood up and walked over to me.
This was it. This was the moment that we would officially say goodbye. Sure, of course we would see each other in the future, but it would never be the same after this.
Tom sighed deeply as he shifted his weight in front of me. "I guess this is it."
I nodded slowly, hoping my voice wouldn't waver, "Yeah, I guess so..."
The obvious awkwardness that filled the space between us shattered as he grabbed my arm and pulled me into his arms. I sighed in the smell of peppermint as my hands clasped behind his waist. "Dan will drop her off later," He whispered into my ear. I only nodded, afraid that my own tears would begin to fall.
He brushed my curls softly off my neck as he softly kissed my forehead. "I'll talk to you later Cas," He said as he let go of the embrace.
Pulling up a halfhearted smile I responded with a gloomy, "Yeah."
Tom smiled sadly and turned back to Lily holding his arms wide open, "Come on Koala."
She walked over to him until he picked her up and held her close to his chest, while walking out the door. He made it half way down the path before he suddenly stopped and looked back to me, his mouth open as if he was going to say something; but he just shook his head and turned back to the direction of Demon.
I closed the door while closing my eyes tightly together.
I couldn't do much the remainder of the day. No matter what I tried to do I couldn't keep my mind on anything else besides Tom leaving, and how much alone I really felt.
It was if I had a massive headache that wouldn't subside. All of the lights turned off, no noise bouncing off the walls; the only thing keeping me company was the legal size papers staring up at me. So when there was an urgent knock on the door, I flinched at the sound.
The person knocked once more as I stood up, but didn't wait for an answer before they opened the door themselves, causing me to stare into the heavily panting face of Rupert.
At the sight of me he bursted, "What the hell are you doing?!" as he slammed the door shut behind him.
"What?" I asked, glad that my voice conveyed all of the confusion that I felt.
Rupert made three quick strides over to me and grabbed my shoulders, "Why aren't you stopping him?"
I stared at his light blue eyes, that were transfixed with a sort of panic, while my mouth parted trying to form words. Why did he, out of all people, still have hope for us? "He wants to leave Rupert, what do you want me to tell him?"
Rupert sighed angrily and shook my shoulders, "Bloody hell are you blind Cassie?! He doesn't want to leave! He is just leaving because he doesn't want to be near you if he can't have you!"
I closed my eyes and shook off his shoulders, "You aren't making any sense. He is moving for his career, no other reason."
Rupert shoved his hands into his face, deeply annoyed. His hands slowly wiped down from his face as he shook his head incredulously, "He quit Cassie."
Never, in an eternity of guessing, would I have expected those three words to come out of Rupert's lips.
My mouth opened in shock and I quickly clenched my jaw tight, swallowing as my brain began to process. "He what?"
Rupert looked at me sadly, his voice lowering, "He quit. He saw what it was doing and he backed out of his contract."
I ran my hand through my hair, my mind seeming to go a thousand miles a second. "But why? Why would he now?"
Rupert shook his head as if it was obvious, "Because he loves you."
I cupped my nose and mouth in my hands as I stared at Rupert, trying to think of what was happening, if anything was changing. But at this moment, I couldn't think of everything that was changing with Rupert staring at me. I dropped my hands and took a few deep breaths, trying to collect myself, "He's still leaving...there is nothing that I can say that is going to change that..."
Rupert's jaw clenched so tightly I'm sure that he is about to crack one of his teeth. "After everything I have done, you are still going to sit here and do nothing?!"
"Everything you've done?" I snapped, half confused and half angry.
"Yes! Who the hell do you think convinced Blake to take that vacation? Why do you think Tom decided to move back in with Dan? Why do you think he agreed for you to move back in with Clayton? Because he thought it was for the best? No! It was my idea to give you space to cool off." He chuckled humorlessly, "But I guess it was all a waist huh? No matter what I did you always just remained so stubborn!" He took a few deep breaths and shook his head, eyes filling with hopelessness, "I thought you wanted this life Cassie. I thought you wanted him, but I guess I was wrong."
He sighed and looked to the door only for a moment before he walked through it, slamming the door behind him causing me to flinch.
My mouth gaped open at all the information that just rushed into my mind.
Tom quit?
He quit acting?
He quit?!
How could he have possibly quit? After all of these years, he just quit? I clutched my head in the confusion. How is all of this happening? How could Rupert's words possibly be true?
Because this changed everything.
Everything in my mind just seemed to click into place. Tom quit acting, meaning that he finally understood what I needed him to show me all these years. That he was willing to put me and this life first. I couldn't sign the papers because it was so utterly wrong. I finally understood what Tom was talking about; it wasn't worth severing this relationship when it was still mendable.
I looked up at the clock above the fire place. He would be leaving any minute now. Rupert was right, I had to do something.
Without a second thought I grabbed the divorce papers and my car keys from the coffee table and ran out the door.
I must have sped the entire way to the old house, because even with my head clouded with my still slightly mixed emotions I reached the house in almost no time at all.
All four of them were outside surrounding Demon. Dan and Rupert were leaned up against the hood of the car. Lily was sitting down on the pavement next to a sullen sitting Timber, petting him gently. Tom was messing with something in the back seat of the car.
Though upon the noise of my car pulling up next to the still slanted mail box each position changed. Dan and Rupert stood erect, Lily smiled as Timber barked, and Tom looked behind him to me with a look of unbelieving.
I turned the ignition off and took a deep breath, not exactly sure what I was going to say. I brushed some of my curls behind my ear and grabbed the papers before opening the door into the soft wind.
I could feel a small blush cover my cheeks, despite the warm breeze, at the amount of attention I was drawing from our little group. Hesitantly I walked toward a cautious looking Tom.
I stared up into his hesitant gray eyes and licked my lips nervously. I lifted my hand up to show him the papers, my heart beating so fast in my ever tightening chest. He stared at them curiously before he took them in his hand and looked down upon them. Before he reached the last page with the signatures I said, "I didn't sign them."
His eyes flashed up to mine the moment the sentence escaped my lips, his eyes wide. "What I-"
I shook my head, cutting him off, "let me finish." I shifted my weight staring at the ground before I dug up the courage to look into his eyes so deep with emotion. "I love you. I've always loved you. I did all of these things out of anger and hurt... I thought that they were what was best for everyone, but I was wrong. I see that now." I could feel my throat closing up as my breath suddenly became ragged. "Rupert told me what you did." I shook my head, shaking like a leaf in front of him, breathing becoming a hard task. "You don't know how much that means to me. And I-"
Before I could get another word out I was tucked safely into his chest, and that is when the tears started. "Please don't leave," I moaned into his shirt.
His warm arms wrapped around me made me feel so utterly secure in this fragile conversation. I felt as if with one word I would lose everything that only moments ago I realized how important to me it was. His arms seemed to tighten his hold the longer our embrace remained. Suddenly he broke our contact and looked directly into my teary eyes. "Are you," He gulped, "Do you mean that we..."
I nodded my head as his hand cupped my cheek. "I want to try to fix this before we both give up. Whatever it takes, just don't leave."
Tom smiled at me, but I felt like I still had to make this clearer. With trying to catch my breath I took the papers out of his hand a ripped it in two. I looked into his eyes and clearly saw his joy. His thumb brushed my cheek, "I love you so much Cassie."
I cried out a laugh as his lips pulled into a smile before he crushed them to mine. A little unprepared for the sensations I hadn't felt for a long time, I eagerly wrapped my arms around his neck as my legs melted into jelly. His strong arms wrapped around my waist protectively and pulled me so close that I felt as if I was about to break. When his lips left me to catch my breath, I laid my head against his chest as his arms continued to encircle me. Inhaling the wonderful scent of peppermint I closed my eyes with a smile. Everything was going to be okay.
I could hear Dan and Rupert laughing in the background, but I was only brought out of the moment by Lily saying, "Does this mean you're not leaving?"
Tom chuckled as we both looked over to her, "No Koala, I'm not leaving." He looked down at me, "I'm not leaving for anything."
I smiled up at him, and pecked his lips once more, earning a smile from him and a giggle from Lily.
"Well this calls for a celebration!" Dan announced happily as Lily bounced her way over to him; their energies bouncing off one another. As he headed for the door he shouted enthusiastically, "Let's crack open the champagne!"
Rupert shook his head but started to follow Dan and Lily into the house, but not without flashing us a quick wink.
Tom and I only separated a few inches before he asked, "You're sure about this?"
I nodded my head, "I love you Tom Felton."
He cradled me into his chest once more, "I'm so sorry Cassie, for everything."
"I'm sorry too." I whispered to him, before his lips captured my own in a deeply passionate kiss.
He rested his forehead against mine as we both smiled. For the moment no words were needed. We were just relishing in the embrace of each other. We could work out our problems later. We had come so far that we were worth a fighting chance.