today. my first presentation. i felt like i would die. my anxiety was crushing me inside even more now. i'm excited, really excited, this wasn't my dream, but i felt like it really was right now. but at the same time, i am nervous. i practiced so much for this, worked my ass off, i need this to be perfect, i need at least one thing to go right in my life. the only thing that is making me sad, is the fact that i knew my family couldn't come today. it's friday, and they have to work on saturday. since there was four shows left, they were coming for the next one. i was now just hoping that my friends would at least be there. i basically bought tickets for everyone for them to come see me, they weren't going to do this to me.
after i ate lunch, carina called me and i answered it, she and brandon appearing in my screen with bright smiles on their faces. "hey, guys." i chuckled.
"if it isn't our little star!" carina exclaimed. "brandon, go get that champagne inside the fridge." she pushed his shoulder, making him stand up.
he really brought the bottle, opening the cap. "guys... stop, you don't have to..." i got cut out by brandon popping the bottle, him and carina cheering.
"we're drinking for you, baby!" brandon screamed, taking a large sip.
i laughed, shaking my head. "i wish you two were here."
"aw, we wanted to be there for you, sis." carina pouted. "but your friends will be there for you, don't worry, david will probably bring you a giant bouquet."
yeah, i didn't tell my siblings about our break up. i just couldn't, i don't know why, because i told my mom, but not them. "uh, sure." i forced a smile.
we stayed talking for a few minutes more until they had to hang up, me being left alone to handle my own anxiety. i slept for the rest of the day, setting an alarm by the time i had to wake up to get ready. and so i did. i took a nice shower, did my hair and chose a comfortable and classy outfit to wear.
it all happened kinda fast after that, but it was amazing. the presentation went smoothly, everyone in sync, me taking deep breaths throughout the whole thing. i was nervous at first, but this was my thing, i prepared myself for months for this, and i did it, i played in front of thousands of people. i overcame my biggest fear doing what i truly loved, i felt like i was made for this.
after the show, we all went backstage, waiting for everyone's friends and families. the room was flooded with people, but none of them were my friends. they didn't come. not even matt. i knew zac wasn't coming because he had a few problems at work, and carly and erin had stuff to do. but matt? the guy that was supposed to be by my side wasn't here. and everyone that i bought tickets to see me? they didn't care enough about me to even send me a text.
and david wasn't here either. i didn't go to his big night either, but i don't know, i was hoping he would come see me. but i was wrong, oh, so wrong.
no one did. i could feel my heart crushing inside my chest, if it was even possible after everything that happened these past few weeks. i grabbed my phone to see if there was any texts, but there was none. i stood there awkwardly, not knowing if i should just leave without saying anything to anyone. however, someone stopped in front of me, making me look up just to find that guy from the bar that i went months ago. "i must say, the lacks of skill you have in drinking, you have in playing piano." he commented, chuckling while he held a bouquet with one hand.
i smiled. "hey... what are you doing here? not following me, right?" i joked.
"of course not! my son also plays here!" he pointed to mitch, the guy who plays the cello. "playing has always been a passion of his." i watched as a middle-aged woman kissed his cheek with a big smile on her face, probably his mom.
"he's really good." i returned my gaze to the old guy in front of me. i forgot his name again.
"so! where's everyone?" he asked looking around.
i bit my bottom lip. "kinda was asking myself that."
he furrowed his eyebrows. "what? not even your parents?"
"they had work, they're coming for the next show though." i explained.
"what about david? you guys seemed pretty close!"
"we..." i sighed, playing with my own fingers to soothe my nervousness and the sudden urge to cry. "we broke up."
"oh, i'm sorry." he put his free hand on my shoulder.
i shrugged. "i only hoped matt would come, but he didn't."
"but matt is not nice!" he exclaimed, making me chuckle. "you remember that you told me about your fight with him?" i nodded. "that didn't sound like a best friend to me." when i didn't respond right away, he looked at his wife and his son before returning his gaze to me. "look, about you and david, i'm sure that anything that happened between you two will cease, i mean, it can take days, weeks or months, years even, but it will be fine." he gave my shoulder a light squeeze. "you know, i once was you guys age, and i know how things go, trust me, when you love someone the dynamic is different, not you or him will let each other go so easily."
"i don't love him." i said quickly. it's true, i don't. not anymore. at this point, things are so messed up inside my head, that maybe the feeling is gone now. it's better this way. i don't want to love david dobrik knowing we won't be together.
he scoffed. "i'm no fool, i saw the way he looked at you and the way you looked at him, it screamed love, i bet everyone can see that too, not just me." with his words, i started to stare down at my feet. "if you really saw how david ran towards you, the worry in his eyes seeing you in that situation, it was love. it is."
i sighed, tucking some hair behind my ear. "even if he does feel that way, it doesn't matter now, we're not together and we won't get back together."
"angela, look at me." i did, looking up to meet his eyes. "you need to talk to him, no matter the issue, give it a try, i can see how much you care about him and how eager you are to get back with him, you couldn't even say that you two broke up." he slid his hand off my shoulder, now holding the bouquet with two hands. "you love him, you just need to admit that to yourself." i quickly wiped the one tear that rolled down my cheek. he smiled, pushing a few roses out of the bouquet. "here, congratulations, angela." he handed it to me. "you know your name meaning? messenger of god, ah, just like my mother." i grinned, feeling my chest warm. "those hands of yours are the messengers, i can assure you that."
i brought the roses closer to my nose, inhaling its scent. it finally came back. harrison, that's his name. "thank you so much, harrison." i gave him a quick hug before he went back with his own family.
with that, i turned around on my heels to leave. i entered my car, closing the door and resting my head back on the headrest with a deep sigh. even though my heart was still aching after everything that happened, i felt in peace. i needed to hear that. i needed to hear that david truly cared about me from someone that wasn't from our friend group. i don't know, i stopped believing the fact that our relationship had a meaning. what he did felt so cruel coming from him, coming from someone that once said that was going to support me no matter what, that wasn't going to pressure me to tell him about my family. i know - and i mean it - that he did it because he cares, but at the same time, this hurts really bad.
it hurts because all i've been seeing is that no one can find something in them to believe me or support me. it hurts because it makes me feel so alone. i know i've been pushing my friends away, but it annoys me how they're letting me do it without .
maybe i do deserve all of this.
i closed my eyes letting a few tears roll down my cheek for the seventh time today before starting the car. i grabbed my phone, choosing a song to play. maybe i want to torture myself, i don't know exactly why, but i don't hesitate to click on the playlist i made a while ago. it was just us two inside his car, debating, of course, about what song we wanted to play, who was going to choose. "dave," i whined. "i wanna listen to some frank ocean not abba." i leaned over the seat to touch his face just to annoy him.
"but i always let you choose the song." he pouted, moving his face a little to kiss the pad of my finger.
i giggled. "what about we make a playlist, so whenever we are together we can listen to it, updating it through the time, you know?" i suggested.
he hummed, stretching one of his hand to grab mine. "we can do that." and so i did. 'a&d tesla playlist'. so many harry songs, a few from abba, a lot of brockhampton, daryl hall, frank ocean, ariana grande, jonas brothers, outkast, and so much more.
i press the shuffle button while i buckled my seatbelt. 'sign of the times' starts to play. the urge to cry just increases. this time, i sob, singing with harry as i drove back to my place. "want some tissues?" david asked me once when we listened to this song together. i frowned. "i know you cry with harry's songs."
"no i don't!" the way he raised his eyebrows and the feeling of him tracing the lines on the palm of my hand, made me confess, almost in a murmur: "just this one, sometimes with 'from the dining table'."
"see!" he laughs. "i know you too well, martis."
before i get out of my car, girl in red playing - from our playlist too, even though he thought her songs were too calm for him -, i wipe away my tears, and check my red and swollen face on my phone camera. i grabbed my stuff, including the roses, and hopped off, just to walk a few steps and find matt at the building gate. his face red and a little swollen too. he was crying. i quickly ran towards him. "what's wrong?" i questioned him, cupping his face with my hands. "matt, are you okay?"
he sniffed, grabbing my hand. "can we go inside please?"
i quickly nodded, opening the door from the building for us to enter. we use the stairs, taking our time while we went up, me holding his hand tightly. i opened the apartment door, giving him space to go in. after we were both inside, i turned the lights on and locked the door. "wanna talk?" i asked putting my stuff on top of my bed. i put the roses on the water just so it wouldn't die that fast.
i looked behind me and matt was sitting on the couch, head hanging low as he cried. i dropped the few ice cubes inside the sink before rushing to crouch in front of him. "hey, tell me what's going on, matt, please." i wiped some of his tears away.
"i just..." he sobs. "i'm sorry for not going, i had to film with zane and heath and..." he sniffed. "i'm so sorry, i know how important tonight was for you, i'm a dick."
"it's okay." i was still a bit mad, of course, but he had his reasons, i guess. "don't worry about it, there's another show anyway."
he was now looking straight ahead at the door, his face kinda hard. "he said he wanted to go, that he wanted to see you." matthew mumbled. "but i just couldn't let him. i couldn't because he has no idea how hurt you are from what he said and what he did." it was obvious that he was talking about david now. "but i know how much you hate when i'm making decisions for you, god, we fought about this so many times." i nodded, feeling angry about him doing this. i mean, again? he can't keep making decisions for me. and the most annoying part is that he knows it, and he keeps doing it. "i didn't go and i didn't let david go either."
"that was so wrong, matthew, how could you?" i didn't raise my voice, i just looked at him, mad, but he didn't even spared a glance.
"you know why i did this? why i was so selfish?" he pressed his fingers against his eyes. "i try so hard not to, i try so hard to push my feelings away. how eager i was to come here late at night to tell you how i feel several times, tell you that i love you, that i am the one you should choose, but it would be pointless. i shouldn't do that." he was crying again.
i was startled dropping back to sit on my feet, now frozen in my place with both my hands holding his knees so he would keep his attention on me. he likes me. he loves me, actually, and not in a friendly way. i wanted to ask why, for how long, and so many more stuff, but i stayed quiet.
why was he saying that? i mean, why now? does he think that i'm going 'yeah, of course, i like you not david!' all of sudden? he knows i don't see him that way, and i cannot lie to him or give him some false hope, because we are never going to happen. unfortunately, my heart basically belongs to someone else. he knows that. he knows that i'm tied with david in some kind of mess right now, he can not be asking me to put him as 'an option' just because we are best friends and david and i are no longer together.
matt's voice is what makes me come back from my trance. "i am not..." he sighed. "i'm not asking you to date me, i want to, but i know you and i will never happen." i almost sighed in relief, but i continued in silence. "i'm sorry if it sounded like that, i know you love someone else and you can't force yourself to be with me, but i needed to tell you, even though... i mean, i hope it won't change anything."
i stopped his rambling with a tight hug. it made him cry even harder, his head buried in the crook of my neck as i whispered in his ear that it was okay. i know i can move on after this, his feelings towards me won't change our friendship, it didn't before he told me, it won't now.
he held me close for a while until he stepped away, resting his back on the couch while he hid his face. i sat down on the floor, bringing my legs closer to my chest. we stayed in silence for so long, those minutes felt like long hours. i could hear my own heart beating and it was freaking me out, i needed it to stop. before i could say something, he stood up. "i think i should go, it's getting late." i wanted to tell him that he could spend the night, but the look he gave me told me that he needed to be alone for now. so, i stood up too, nodding.
at the door, he gave me another hug and left. i locked it and let out a deep sigh. what a fucking life.
i took care of salem before going to my bathroom to fill my tub. as the water started to run, i put the playlist on again, and grabbed the champagne bottle inside the fridge. i popped it open only for myself. then, i poured in a glass to drink it in the bathroom as i soaked my feelings for hours. i stopped and stared at the few roses in the counter, grabbing them to bring it with me.
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angelamartis posted on her story !
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hi... i'm alive! i'm sorry for not posting i was just not feeling it, you know? all that shit that happened with david made me a little uncomfortable, so i decided to take a little break from posting. like, david talked about it, but i still think some of the vs is just,, yikes lmao. anyway, i was going to post this yesterday but i had a mental breakdown and went to bed at 3 am! i'm okay now but whew.
so, i won't promise that i'm going to go back posting constantly, every three days, because i've been studying all day and i even forget to look at my phone sometimes,, so yeah.