"Physically and mentally the pressure may fatigue-remember to appreciate the bittersweet."
- Patiently, 10 Years
A/N: Lemon-y things and strong language ahead
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I was a bit surprised when he spoke my name, so soft and quiet that I wasn't even sure I'd heard it. I turned around from closing the door, seeing him sitting on the foot of the bed. His eyes were hidden with his bangs, back hunched and hand in a fist. Trying to stop it from shaking.
"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.
Ed shook his head, making me notice the blush on his face. "It's nothing bad," he said. "I..."
He raised his head up a little bit, allowing me to see a small part of one eye. Then he turned to me, facing me completely. His face got a little redder.
"I... Need you." he began, his voice rough and breaking slightly. "I... I need the distraction."
I stood in shock for a split second, sure that he was going to forget that whole thing. But then I understood. I watched him watch me take the seat next to him.
"Okay," I began quietly. I tried to fight back how fast my heart was beating or how quickly my brain was swimming. "What were you thinking of?"
He looked away, studying his hands in his lap. He wrung his fingers, continuing to trip over his own words. "Uh, well, I... I mean, um... I... I like kissing you..."
My stomach flipped, heart fluttering. I kept myself under control, only allowing a grin to touch my lips as I leaned a little towards him.
"Then do it."
He looked to me, seeming surprised. Face still incredibly red, and getting even redder. He looked away from my eyes, stare flicking to my lips. As much as I would've loved to have instantly answered his request, I knew that him instigating the kiss would serve as a better distraction. A bit more focus would be required, and that much more of his brain would be focused on the current moment.
His hand was on my face, gently resting against the side of it. He was using his metal one, and I could feel the subtle shakes against my skin. I covered his hand with mine, fingers gently curling and diving underneath the small space between his palm and my cheek. I wrapped my fingers around his hand, and tried to match that level of softness he had given me. The way he held my hand after that breakdown on the hospital's rooftop. I could only hope my attempt was equivalent to his.
Ed seemed to understand the importance of my hand wrapping around his like that. He grew a bit more confident, those eyes hardening just a bit more. Getting closer to the Ed I normally saw.
I watched him with a carefulness I'd never exuded before. I watched how he studied me, how his lips parted, and how the rest of him leaned forward.
There was such a tenderness to that kiss. A softness, a delicacy that nearly made me break. My breath left me in the smallest of cracks, and Ed's lips left mine only to come back even softer. Like he was trying to kiss all that pain away.
I shut my eyes a bit more, focusing on feeling his mouth graze against mine as he began pulling back again. I think somehow he knew why I wasn't responding, and the guilt of making this about me kickstarted my brain into working again.
I closed the distance between our lips, hand rising for my fingers to graze against his jawline. I made that kiss a little harsher, a little firmer. Trying to distract myself. Maybe just give him some kind of warning; some red flag to stay away from me. But I realized how stupid, how incredibly selfish that was.
He needed me. I couldn't run.
Our lips drew back only to come together again, and after the fifth kiss, I changed everything. My lips parted, tongue sliding across his bottom lip and sweetly asking for entrance. I felt his face heat up, the heat radiating all the way to my own cheeks, and I grinned inwardly as he hesitantly allowed me access.
I held myself back, teasing him with just the tip. Scraping along the bottom of his front teeth, flicking against the tip of his own tongue.
"Mmph."
At his little sound, I let my lips curve into another grin, pulling my tongue out and making him even more frustrated. The hand he was gripping the sheets with uncurled, raising up and entwining into my hair. I expected him to push my head forward and pull me into a deeper kiss, but he just gave me another soft one. Then his lips moved to my cheek, my temple, my jaw; seeming like he wanted to kiss me everywhere in that slow, soft way.
I closed my eyes to the feeling, still trying to focus on how this was for him. Not me.
I lifted my head up, letting his lips place another open kiss against the base of my jaw. In between a particularly ragged breath, he grazed his lips over my skin and kissed the center of my jaw and neck; the place that connected the two. I smiled, barely laughing at the feeling. I felt him grin against my skin.
"Ed..." My voice was so soft; I couldn't even talk loud enough.
He answered with a peck against my neck, momentarily slipping his tongue out for the tip to run across warm, wet skin. I felt heat pool between my legs, and I forced myself to swallow the emotion down.
Maybe he retraced to the bob of my throat. Maybe that's what led him to my lips again. But he kissed me in that same away, and I returned the pressure in quicker, faster kisses. I kept up with his pace, letting him guide me back just a little bit, one of my hands finding the back of his neck. I tried to focus on keeping my heart-rate down, keeping my breathing even. But the heat of him and the sweetness of his kisses just made it hard to focus on much of anything.
My mind was attaching to the slight chill of his automail hand still on the side of my face when that too suddenly slipped away. He was gently guiding my head to one side, fingers of his other hand coming to brush away the tendrils of hair sweeping over my neck. Expose the skin that his lips were now gliding towards, dropping off the edge of my jaw and pausing to give these faint, sweet kisses to the pulse on the side of my neck. A pulse that I realized was beating way too rapidly.
Even now... he was telling me not to worry...
Before I could do anything, I felt his lips continue on and his tongue slip out, skimming down the side muscle. My breathing wavered, hitching in my throat as my eyes nearly fluttered completely shut. Heat pooled between my legs, and instantly I crossed them as quickly as possible. Trying to regain control of myself. I moved the hand that was still resting on the bed beneath me, curling my fingers and holding onto the sheets. Finding something to focus on besides the fact that the incredible sensitive spot he just gave a single, slow lick to was now being brushed over with hot air. He was teasing me, successfully. And I felt like a rope with only one strand left unfrayed. I was dangerously close to coming apart completely.
I heard his lips part, barely feeling the tips of his teeth make contact with my wet skin before I broke away, doing my best to capture his lips with mine. Trying to gain control over myself, over the situation. Trying to fool myself into thinking I had the upper-hand with anything.
My hands came to his chest, parting and sliding up to his shoulders; slow, forceful. Channeling that side of me again.
"Lie down," I murmured, speaking softly beside his skin.
I heard his lips part in a wide grin, and I couldn't help but grin as well. Ideas began forming as he slid over to the side, legs straightening as he pulled himself onto the bed.
I watched him settled back against the pillows before I moved.
Crawling over to him, watching how his smile only increased as he lifted a hand out to me. I resisted the urge to close my eyes as his fingers swept through the side of my hair, but it was hard. He used his human hand, calloused pads sweeping against skin. Still so gentle... For a moment, there was something about the harsh texture and the light speed that lit a glow into my stomach.
I crawled over him, bracing my hand on the pillow below his head as he raised up to meet my lips in another kiss. His hand slid down to trail the edge of my jaw, the hand resting on his stomach lifting to cup the side of my hip. Thumb slowly stroking along the curve that led into my waist.
I kissed him deeper, adding in a bit of pressure; enough to gently knock our teeth together. A small groan came from the back of his throat; so small I would have barely heard it if it wasn't for feeling the vibrations that echoed to my mouth.
I shut out the thoughts of how absolutely selfish I was being, storing them away for later use.
I broke away, the speed maybe too quick. Too forceful. But my lips went to his neck, kissing along the side of it with little teeth.
And I could feel the confusion he wasn't voicing; wasn't he the one that was supposed to be kissing my neck? But I found a spot that he seemed to like a lot, quietly groaning his approval through clenched teeth. I grinned, my own teeth clasping his skin.
I released the flesh, giving the light mark a small kiss. My lips hovered there, and then they went back again, delivering a more open mouthed kiss. Raunchier, in a way. Ed gave the tiniest of groans, his arm squirming around beside him. I felt his breath hitch as I gave another bite near the crook of his neck. I worked on something of a hickey, only getting a second or two in before stopping. Not enough to leave a mark the next day, and I also didn't want to hurt him.
I drew myself back, feeling, hearing, his breath come out in deep ragged bursts. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine again. His hand gently moved to the back of my hair, pulling us down against the bed, retracing the path he'd quickly taken to capture my lips again. I shifted myself, rising up a bit and recovering the height I'd slipped down to in order to reach his neck.
This shift naturally made my hips―which were dropped quite low―move as well, passing myself against the front of his pants. Feeling the tight denim.
His breathing stopped in his throat once more. I grinned, getting an idea. With one hand on the pillow near his face for support, I slowly began rocking my hips, passing the front of him again. He dropped his head back even further, a tiny sound that almost became something of a groan coming out of him.
His hand came to my waist, daintily resting there with a part of his palm at my side and his fingertips barely along my back. The hold was still strong enough for his hand to follow my movements, as painstakingly slow and featherlight as I was making them be.
I dragged my lips across his, resisting the urge to skim my tongue along his bottom one. I kissed him again, feeling his small moan against my mouth as I relaxed my hips and grounded them against him again. Painfully, irritatingly slow. His hands clenched the bedsheets below us.
I broke the kiss, speaking low against his lips.
"You like that?"
His ragged breathing answered me. I raised my head up, bracing myself with a hand on the pillow below his head. With heavy lids, I watched his face; the way it clenched oh so subtly when I gave another slow thrust; the way his lips parted a little bit more in a soundless gasp.
I moved my mouth to his neck, grinning wickedly against his skin. I moved myself even harder against him, hearing him hiss beneath me; the sound I didn't know I'd been wanting to hear. He spoke, too, his voice equally biting.
"Masochist."
I gently took the flesh of his neck in between my teeth, clamping down enough to get another nearly silent gasp. My hips went even slower, digging deeper into him. Feeling his heart beat hard against me, echoing through both our bodies.
I breathed in through my nose, he breathed in through his mouth as I slid against the underside of him. The hand he had against the back of my head curled, becoming a gentle fist.
His zipper was probably killing him. He had the same thought, and I felt his other hand―the one that was clawed against the mattress―twitching. Stuck between taking his pants off or continuing to torture himself. Maybe he knew what he wanted and just needed an even further distraction.
I slowed my pace to a crawl, barely touching him.
I could tell he really, really wanted me to keep doing what I was doing before. His body was screaming for me to continue with every twitch of his muscle, every rapid breath to pass through his mouth. I took my time, my own breath heating up his neck, my hand keeping the same pace.
"You like this, don't you?" I whispered, voice low, nearly silent.
He took a few moments to respond, and I felt how his throat moved when he swallowed. His breath came back, escaping through his lips in a small shaky burst of air.
"You know I do."
I forced myself to grin against his skin, forced myself to act like I was perfectly naturally content with this. Happy, even. I faked it well enough all the other times. I could fake it now, too.
After another few rocks, I slid down, lightly sitting on his thighs. My hand trailed down his shirt, his stomach, and played with the hem of his pants. Dipping fingers inside.
He understood; lifting up, he allowed himself to be unbuttoned and dragged down, covered erection springing free yet again.
I moved down further, becoming head-level with his member. I reached out to take him, hand rising into something of a claw, fingertips pointing and surrounding the tip of him in a squeeze.
"Do you like my hands?" I asked, speaking in a low, daring tone as his breath hitched.
I heard him recover, watched his chest rise quickly. He pulled in his lips and then darted his tongue over them.
"I fucking love your hands," he answered in barely a whisper.
I removed my hand and moved my mouth over his member, pausing to watch his face before delivering a long, wet kiss against the fabric covering him. He whimpered, hands clenching into fists.
I spoke with my lips against him again.
"What about my lips?" I asked. "Do you like my lips, Ed?"
He seemed to relax a little bit, gradually spreading out against the mattress. I heard the hazy smile in his voice.
"I love your lips more than anything," he told me.
That came as a shock, especially the way he said it. Like it was truly genuine; like he really did love my lips, even in a non-sexual way.
I recovered, keeping my stare to his face as I parted my lips a few inches above his cloth-covered cock and began wiggling the tip of my tongue against the tip of him. His breath hitched, mouth opening as his body rose a bit further away from the bed.
"Nngh."
I smiled.
"I am going to ruin your underwear." It was a statement of pure determination. I was going to make him filthy.
I could tell from the way his breath quickened even further that Ed wholeheartedly wanted me to.
He breathed in, the air moving out and giving a tiny moan that was a little louder than it should have been. He gave another one against closed lips, and after a moment spoke to me in the same low voice that I had used.
"Do it."
His hips rose, taking me with them and forcing me to lean over, clutching at his shirt. I saw him smile, a hazy grin as he looked down at me.
"Make me filthy," he breathed.
I couldn't argue with that. I picked up the pace slightly, occasionally twisting my hand on the upstroke and giving his head a really good squeeze.
I captured his lips with mine, muffling the moan about to escape from him.
My heart twitched, having been given this power.
I broke away, bringing my mouth to the tight skin of his neck and nipping at him again with my teeth. I wanted to kiss him, to return the same delicacy he had given me. But I couldn't do it. Couldn't bring myself to.
His skin slipped away from the edge of my teeth. I moved my face against his chest, a small hum purring from me. Somehow I knew that would drive him over the edge, and instantly I heard the slight "ch"s coming from between his teeth like static. Strained, and adding to the effect of his hips bucking against my hand. The feeling of his underwear completely soaking with warmth.
I held my lips against the crook of his neck, spreading them and opening my hot mouth against his skin. I let out a high, quiet moan from the back of my throat, and instantly he lost his breath again. Curses whispered out of him, and I smiled against his skin.
"Shit..." he breathed, head rolling down and to the side, watching my hips move―waver the skirt back and forth. I just watched how his eyes shut again, head rolling back against the pillow and his lips parted in a soundless moan. I bowed over him again, speaking quietly against his neck, delivering the simplest kiss I could before I said anything.
"You wanna see what I'm doing?" I asked, trying to be sweet as I grinded against him, earning a wince and a harsher grip against my left hip. I grinned, sure he could feel my smile.
"No," he breathed, and his breath hitched as I let out the smallest of moans. Something that let him know how disappointed I was for him to reject me like that. He pulled his own lips in, stifling a moan that still wavered against the inside of his mouth. When he recovered enough, he puffed out a bit of air, and I heard the pain in his voice as he suffered through another harsh rock of my hips. How he felt the air sweep away from the space my lips were hovering over; another faking attempt at pleasure. At teasing him in the worst way. He was speaking again, and I tuned in enough to hear him.
"I like it this way. Fucking..." the murmur was broken, reduced to another breath of air as I moved against him once more. And his words slid out almost as silently as the sound of our clothing sliding together. "God damn perfection."
I bowed my forehead against his neck, trying to think of something else besides the compliment. I was a complete whore, doing this for him. I didn't even deserve an ounce of kindness, especially not from someone as wonderful as he was. I... I just...
I blocked out the thoughts, harshly storing them in the back of my mind. My focus was, should be on Ed. Not myself; especially not now.
As my teeth drew away from his neck, unable to stretch his skin further than an inch with such a weak hold, he gave a weak sound. I pulled my head away from his neck, whipping my hair to one side as I harshly dragged my tongue against his throat, tracing the side of his Adam's apple. And then I moved away even further, morphing my expression into something of an orgasm; I watched him watch me, my hand continuing to pump as my eyes fluttered shut, mouth dropping in a silent cry.
I bowed my forehead against his, timing our breaths together with the pumps of my hand. The bucks of his hips.
"Fuck," I muttered, my voice a high, quiet whisper. "Fuck..."
He gritted his teeth, trying to stifle a groan and succeeding for the most part. I couldn't help myself, seeing his face clenched like that, and I dove down to meet his lips with mine. Stealing his breath away, suspending his body in an arched thrust against my hand, feeling the slight spasms quake somewhere deep inside him. Lightly tremoring the parts of him I touched.
His eyes opened, meeting my gaze from below and locking stares. I pumped faster, and soon his eyes fluttered shut, head tislting back and breath leaving him again.
"Ah... God..." He spoke my name, too; whispering it like a prayer.
With violent thrusts into my hand, I felt him erupt yet again, soaking his boxers even further. Truly making him filthy.
I waited until he had calmed down, to do anything. After about a minute, the breaths inside is chest began to calm. With my hands parting over his pecs, arms resting on top of him, I kept my legs spread, moving most of my weight to them.
"How're you feeling?" I murmured.
He grinned, the motion lazy and blissful. "You know how I'm feeling."
I smiled a little, ducking my head and trying to fight down a blush. I felt him move, raise one hand up.
His finger trailing along my lips. Painting over the soft, wet skin. My blush only increased.
"Do you really love my lips?" I asked softly.
He drew two of his fingers together, gently moving my bottom lip in something of a pinch. Delicate. Still so very delicate. He nodded a little, hand continuing on to trace along the corner of my mouth.
"I've always loved them."
I raised one eyebrow. "Always?"
His eyes trained on mine.
"Always."
I couldn't hold back how my stomach flipped. My eyes closed as he brought his hand underneath my chin, guiding my lips down to meet his.
Gentle.
So very gentle.