Inspired Song: Come Over by: Kenny Chesney
Chapter Forty Seven- Come Over
My mind faded in and out of the conversation as Mason recalled a surgery he had preformed the other day to the three of us. Lucy was in the kitchen preparing tea, and the children were in the upstairs of the house playing around.
I lifted my eyes from the floral print of the table cloth as Lucy walked back in with a tray filled with tea, sugar, and pastries. I looked around the table at Victoria, Felix, and Elisabeth as Lucy playfully scolded Mason, complaining about how he was going to bore us to death. I smiled lightly at the display, not sure why I agreed to come to this little gathering on a Friday afternoon.
Victoria and Felix, who have three boys, which I hope are not playing too roughly with Lily, live down the street while Elisabeth and her husband, Justin, are quite content in there cozy house without the distractions of children.
I subconsciously rubbed my growing stomach through my not so flattering sweat shirt. Oh how it would be nice to not have to think about the little one in my tummy...no that is a horrible thought. Even though I was only two months pregnant, and barely beginning to show, I instantly loved the little boy.
Obviously I didn't know what the gender of the baby was, but I could just feel that it was a boy, you could call it mothers intuition. Suddenly I frowned as my phone buzzed, only briefly interrupting Felix's story of a neurotic customer he had recently. I opened up the text from Tom saying that he couldn't take Lily for the whole week as he had planned, for he was needed back on the set of the small movie he was completing before he began the big break one, but that he would still pick her up Monday.
Over the past month I realized that I needed to tell Tom, but I didn't really want to have the conversation over the phone, and the last time he came to visit Lily I chocked and wasn't able to produce those words that would unravel the common ground we stood on.
When a break came in the conversations, that I had barely contributed anything to, I excused myself, saying that I would come pick up Lily a little later for none of us wanted to ruin the child's play and that I was just over tired, and over worked.
I had begun to put the house up on the market. I had found a really good realtor, but we couldn't finalize anything or actually put the house on the market because it wasn't officially mine to sell, because the divorce wasn't finalized yet.
I sighed as I made the short walk across the street to the house, trying to focus on the soft wind against my skin, instead of my complicated life. Being over worked wasn't the only reason why I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't turn my brain off. I couldn't get images out of my head...I couldn't stop doubting myself and my intentions of the future.
Because the question was still up in the air. What did I want out of my life?
If you asked me seven years ago, it would have been wanting to stay with Tom forever. Thinking about it now, I want a version of that. A version in which Tom and I got along, but that version disappeared a long time ago.
So what did I want now?
I wanted Lily to be happy and stay innocent to everything had to go through as a child. I wanted to be able to live on my own, without anyone's help. And, unfortunately, I wanted to be in love.
I have forgotten what it feels like, but I still have slight memories. I want that, butterflies in the stomach feeling. I want that never wanting to let a person go feeling. I want to be able to laugh, and cuddle, and just have someone to share things with.
But how could I have any of that without Tom?
It didn't seem possible to be in love with anyone ever again. Not after what I use to have with Tom. How could anything match up to that?
I sighed as I began to start cleaning the already clean house. That had become a habit of mine, cleaning something that was already spotless, just for something to do. I told myself that I wouldn't be like this once the divorce was over. I would do something...be someone. Though, honestly, I don't know why I don't just start now.
I bent down with a sigh to re wrap the vacuum cord, mumbling something pathetically when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I froze in place and soon another pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched the coffee table with my right hand as my left grasped my stomach.
"No...no," I whispered and suddenly lurched forward with a slight groan.
I could feel myself getting emotional, but I had to keep my mind clear of everything else. With all of my strength I stood up, trying to ignore the pain spreading throughout my body.
As quickly as I possibly could, I grabbed my purse and keys from the table and went out to the car, planning to call the hospital on my way.
Three and a half hours later I sat on a hospital bed, staring at the off white walls, willing myself not to think about anything. Which of course doesn't work when your left alone with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company.
There was an abrupt knock on the door before in walked Dr. Malcolm with a sad, yet professional, expression on his face. "Your test results look very good," He said softly looking down at the information on his clipboard.
I wanted to scuff, but I remained my composure- beside the fact that silent tears streamed down my cheeks.
Dr. Malcolm placed his hand on my shoulder, as a comforting gesture, "There is no easy way to deal with a miscarriage, Mrs. Felton."
"It's Dean." I said softly, refusing to meet his gaze. "It just hasn't been changed yet."
He removed his hand and stood up straight, gazing back down at the clipboard. "Well I think it is safe to release you without keeping you for observation. Your test results are very good, and statistics show that more women deal with this better in their own homes, so unless you feel the need to stay, you are free to be discharged."
I nodded my head slowly as I stood up, "Alright."
"Melinda will take care of the papers outside," He began as we walked towards the door. "This could have been a lot worse, you were very lucky that there wasn't any extensive damage."
I nodded mutely, as he opened the door, wishing more than anything that he would just shut up and clear his throat of sympathy. For I could feel myself crumbling emotionally, which was normal, but I would hate to fully break down here at the hospital.
He rubbed my back soothingly, "If you begin to feel worse, come back immediately...I am very sorry for your loss," and with those words he walked down the hall way, his white jacket flowing behind him.
The large tears and erratic sobs began the moment I got in the car, and it took me several minutes before I could control them enough to be able to drive to the house, that wouldn't be much of a comfort.
I had the urge to drive to Clay's and crawl into my bed and hide under the covers, but I could barely drive to the house that was twenty minutes away, much less hours.
I did make it though, and I walked into the dark house and fully broke into hysterics. It felt like I crawled on my hands and knees to the couch, for so much anguish filled my body along with the pain that was accompanied with the actual miscarriage. I slumped down onto the cushions and curled up into a ball, staring at the fuzziness of the dark room.
Forget about having the chance to tell Tom. Forget about having to deal with the stress a baby would cause on the divorce. Forget about Lily having a little brother. Forget worrying about its future, because now, my baby, didn't have a future. He would never know what it was to live.
I sat in the house crying for awhile before the door bell rang. I sluggishly raised myself up and looked over the back of the couch to the distorted windows of the front doors. From what I could tell Lucy was here, and then reality clicked; I had never picked up Lily.
Summoning all of my energy I stood up from the couch and harshly wiped my eyes, trying to pretend that everything was alright, because I was really not in the mood to explain everything to Lucy. I would rather be alone.
I opened the door, with an apologetic smile that most likely resembled a grimace. "I'm sorry, I just lost track of time."
Lucy eyed me a little suspiciously before she gave a soft laugh, "You must have been more tired than you lead on. You look terrible." She shook her head softly as Lily crossed the threshold into the house. "It was fine, I think Lily had fun with the boys, but I figured that you wanted her home sometime." She laughed lightly again, and I noticed that the sound of laughter physically hurt me.
She shrugged, "Anyway, I'm sure I will see you around soon." She gave a slight way and began walking down the path way.
"Yeah, thank you Lucy," I mumbled after her, not really caring if she heard me or not.
I closed the door and turned to find Lily standing in the middle of the foyer glancing at me. "Are you okay Mummy?"
With the word 'Mummy' coming out of her lips I broke down again, with the knowledge that my unborn baby would never say those words.
I shakily covered my face with my hands, as I sobbed into them. There was no way I could watch her tonight. As much as I loved her, her presence would just make it that much harder to try and get over this tragic event.
"Mummy?" She asked again, and gently tugged on my pants leg when I didn't respond.
Using all of my self control, I gradually stopped sobbing long enough to plaster a fake smile on my lips and look down into her stormy blue eyes. "Yes, I'm alright. W-why don't you go play upstairs for awhile Lil?"
Hesitantly she nodded and slowly departed up the stairs. When she was out of sight I walked to where my purse had been carelessly thrown to the ground upon my desperate arrival, and fished out my phone.
I couldn't ask Lucy to watch over Lily since she had watched over her all day. Tom's parents went on vacation, and I couldn't think of anyone else I trusted to leave Lily with overnight who wasn't too far away. The only other person was Tom, who hopefully was home already from his shoot and wouldn't mind taking her a few days early.
I called him quickly, hoping to keep the sobs at bay for as long as I possibly could.
He picked up on the first ring, "Hey, what's up?"
His voice almost caused the sobs to break free, but my will power was being incredibly tested, and being successful, today. "Are you home?"
His reply was hesitant and suspicious, "Yeah...why?"
Without my consent my voice got shaky as I battled against the heart crushing sobs. "Can you please take Lily for the night?"
"Why?" he asked, even more suspiciously, but then a sob broke free and I tried to cover my mouth in time to try and muffle the sound. I couldn't explain what had happened to me and deal with his wrath...I couldn't do that today on top of everything else. He must have heard me though, because not a second later he asked, "Are you alright Cas?"
My breaths came out uneven as I tried to calm down enough to talk with him. "I- I just can't watch her tonight...Can you please come?"
A moment of silence later, he responded with, "Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Thank you." I whispered, closing my eyes tightly as the warm tears cascaded down my face and he ended the call. All I had to do now was get Lily ready and face Tom for a minute before I could crawl in bed and drown in the pain.
I painfully walked up the stairs and turned the corner to Lily's room. I glanced in, seeing her brushing her dolls hair humming happily to herself and I clutched the door frame tightly in my hands, willing myself to be strong for her.
"Lily," I called hoarsely, and I cleared my throat as she turned her head, "Daddy is coming to pick you up."
Her doll fell to the ground as a smile crossed her face, "I thought he wasn't coming till Monday?"
"There has been a slight change in plans, so why don't you quickly throw a bag together?" I said, trying to stop the flowing tears, but at the mention of Tom, she seemed oblivious to my state and ran around her room getting ready.
I let her be as I walked along the hallway and into my room. I quickly put on some sweatpants and some nice fuzzy socks before slowly, and painfully, walking back down the stairs and lying back down on the couch, after grabbing a few blankets out of the basket next to the entertainment unit.
It was only about ten minutes before the doorbell rang, and I groaned as I heard Lily padding down the stairs like a mad women. I sat up and walked toward the door that she had already opened.
I scolded her as I opened the door wider. "Lily you are not suppose to open the door."
She looked up at me gleefully, "But it was Daddy."
I just shook my head, letting it go as I glanced to Tom who was standing on the porch. The moment I looked at him, his eyes hardened at my appearance. An awkward moment passed before he said, "Lily, go get your things." He ushered her up the stairs as he demandingly walked into the house and grabbed my face into his hands, staring confusingly into my watery eyes.
"What happened to you?" He asked concernedly.
The sobs came back lightly, as I enjoyed the comfort his warm hand provided. If he hadn't asked that question, I wouldn't have mentioned this, but he did, and I couldn't lie to his face.
I drew in quick uneven breaths as I looked into his eyes. "I...I was pregnant."
His hands quickly dropped from my face as shock consumed his features.
An ugly sob escaped my lips before I continued, "I didn't know how to tell you, but I was going to and then...t-today, I had...I had a miscarriage." I covered my face once again as I cried into my already wet hands. "And I just, I just can't watch her today...I can't look at her right now." I felt horrible for saying those words, but they were the truth. I just needed a day to grieve before I could see her smile again.
Suddenly I felt incredibly warm. Tom had wrapped my fragile figure into his arms and soothingly shushed me, brushing his lips against my hair. I cried freely into his chest, feeling more comfort than I had in weeks.
"What's going on?" Lily's little voice piped up over my sobs.
I abruptly pulled away from his embrace and viciously tried to wipe away the tears that just wouldn't stop, not wanting Lily to see me like this.
"Lil," Tom sighed as he looked down at her, "I'm going to drop you off with Uncle Dan for the night okay?"
She shook her head confusedly. A sob broke through my lips, realizing that that meant he was going to come back here. "But why?" Her attention drifted to me, "Daddy, what's wrong with Mummy?"
He knelt down next to her and picked her up easily into his arms. Sighing, he said abruptly, "Nothing is wrong with her Koala. Uncle Dan just wants to spend some time with you."
I looked up to the ceiling, trying so hard to keep myself standing up with all of the emotions that crashed against my chest.
Tom grabbed her door knob and looked at me with a sad yet determined expression, "I'll be back in a minute."
I couldn't do anything but nod as the tears overflowed my vision and he disappeared behind the door.
I retreated back to the couch and back under the blankets as I let the emotions flow out of me. I stared at the dark ceiling, watching idly as the fan blades spun around and around. No matter what questions or feelings were attached to Tom coming back, I was immensely glad that he was coming back over. I honestly didn't know if I could make it through this alone.
I didn't know how long it had been when the front door opened again and his silhouette appeared before my eyes. He laid a plastic convenient store bag on the coffee table and sat down next to me on the couch. I sat up, bringing the covers with me, and crawled into his waiting arms, tucking my head under his chin.
I cried. The tears were big and warm and the sobs were loud and hideous. I stayed in his arms and cried for hours. The tears were for so many things, more than just the miscarriage. The tragic event had caused my emotional level to rise and I began to cry about everything bad that had ever happened to me. My Mum dying, Will's abuse, My father's death, the rocky predicament with Blake, always being alone, the heart wrenching divorce, and, of course, the baby. I cried like I had never before in my life.
Tom sat there through it all, and I was incredibly grateful for his arms that kept me in a safe cocoon of warmth. He didn't say anything, he just continued to softly rub my back in a soothing rhythm until, eventually, my tears ran dry to the point where I felt dehydrated.
And it was awhile, sitting in that position with silence, before he spoke. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I hiccupped before I sat back to look into his face. He was deathly pale, and from the light marks on his cheek he had shed a few tears as well. "I couldn't."
He sighed, our eyes disconnecting. "I wanted to. I did, but I was scared. I didn't know what this would mean for the divorce...and you weren't really here. I didn't want to have to tell you over the phone."
His arms left me and he ran his hands tiredly over his face. "After everything we have been through Cas, you were scared to tell me that we were going to have another child?"
I sniffled at his use of past tense, before I spoke again feeling my throat close up. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. This entire thing is my fault and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Tom. It's my fault."
I closed my eyes tightly, knowing that tears would have come if I hadn't cried myself dry. Tom sighed and wrapped his arms around me again. "This isn't your fault sweetheart. These things happen, there was nothing that you could do about it."
I shook my head, "No, it's karma. I've been horrible to you lately to the point where I don't even feel like myself, and I can't even look at my own daughter." Silent sobs began to convulse my body as I eagerly welcomed his comfort.
His lips rested on my forehead, softly caressing my skin as he spoke, "I've have deserved everything that you have thrown at me Cas. I can take it, I just can't take you feeling broken in my arms right now."
I let out a very shaky breath as I clung to him and the sobs began to die away. This would have been the perfect moment to tell him that I loved him, but I just couldn't voice the words, so a silence drifted between us again.
"Did it hurt?" He asked softly. I nodded my head slowly, knowing what he was referring to. "Only for a little while. I'm just sore and tired now."
He 'hmmmed' his understanding as his hands thread themselves into my hair as he his grip tightened around me softly.
My hand gently rested against my now empty stomach, and my thumb caressed my skin, through my sweatshirt, softly, missing him already.
Exhaustion finally taking its toll, I feel asleep, resting against Tom. I only woke up to a half conscious state again as Tom carried me up the stairs and into our bedroom. I fell asleep quickly again, though, after he lied me down and climbed in after me wrapping his arm around my waist protectively.
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This song means a lot to me with this chapter. The first time I heard it, I just felt like it really really explained Tom and Cassie at the end of this book. The lines that really get me every time are...'We don't have to miss each other, come over, We don't have to fix each other, come over, We don't have to say forever, come over, You don't have to stay forever, Come over.'