For anyone who's new, I try to keep my feedback super positive to encourage and uplift all of you guys because you're all amazing writers. I do critique, though, and try to point out things I think you can improve on. After all, all writers can improve. If it makes anyone feel any better, my husband was very thurrough with HIS critiquing this round and I ACTUALLY GOT THE LOWEST SCORE *gasp*
Several7s
2 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 12
KHEN. SO MANY FEELS. You are terrible to make her suffer that way. I LOVE Mary. Man, you've characterized her so perfectly; I can hear and see her. I loved the moment between her and Leo; haha, so perfect! Your characterization makes them feel alive and real and I'm already in love with them! GREGORY. MY GOODNESS WHAT HAS HE DONE?!?!?! I loved your problem with adding in a Lillith, although it wasn't clear who she was but that defintely would have been a problem and their solution was intense and made for an entertaining read. I was so relieved when they fixed it. GREGORY is such a jerk! KHENKI, KHENKI, KHENKI! Okay, I'm done, but that ship moment was sooooo cute and he protected her. I love the different character voices and like I said I'm SO impressed with your characterization. They feel so tangible! Mary, Naoki, and Khen especially; they're so different and they stand out as strong characters and I love what you've done with them. I seriously need to read more! You didn't have any mistakes at all *gasp* so you got a perfect score! IMPRESSIVE! Keep it up!
ariel_paiement1
-0.2 for realism
2 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 11.8
I'm hooked. From the start, you had me hooked. Your characterization is so strong, the characters feel real and this is a book I don't want to put down. I'm entraced and captured into this story, right there with them, which was aided by your clear, concise descriptions that made it feel like a real place. You also make the differences in languages and cultures realistic enough to be belieable, so fantastic job with that. Earlier you mentioned that Manfred couldn't understand the others with the tablets/earpieces and then later you had Nefertiti say something and he understood her, so I took off 0.1 for realism. Either that, or how the devices worked weren't specifically explained enough to clarify. Also, the second 0.1 I took off for realism came from that it wasn't quite fully explained as to why killing the woman would have ensured our existence. What path was the people on that would have ensured that civizations fall? Why would killing her have changed things? I think I know where you were going with it, but it wasn't specifically stated in the entry that she was trying to stop them from being evil, and if that's why, then it should have been mentioned. I do know the word count was highly restrictive for you and others (me included), so I understand a lot had to be cut from your entry. Overall though it was highly entertaining, like I said I feel like I've just started reading a good book that I don't want to put down. I can't wait to read your next one!
wordsmith-
-0.1 for grammar
1.9 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 11.8
I really enjoyed how you went to a different character's POV and started establishing them, which helped to get to know them better. The creative idea of a dinosaur living to the ice age and them having to kill it was a simple but creative idea that worked and gave you a clear problem with a clear solution. I love the accents and broken English. You did only have one grammar mistake, so it made for a smooth and easy read. I counted them this time, but for future references, historical details only count if they're part of the time period you're in, but this time since you put in so many extras to do with your characters, I went ahead and counted them. But for future references they won't. Even though your characters all have broken English, if you work on making their voices more unique, rather than all having the same type of broken English, then you'll score 2 on the writing maturity scale next time. Keep up the great work! I'm excited to read more!
Sara_R_Stark
-0.3 for punctuation
2 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 11.7
I love how they're sent on a mission which is what starts their journey and that they're kind of forced into it. Your writing is so mature and it was such a smooth, enjoyable, and entertaining read. Third person all knowing really suits this story and it feels like a book. Your descriptions made the scene come alive and jump out of the page and I'm already getting attached to your characters. You were so historically accurate; there were no unrealistic details or issues with that. Your problem made perfect scenes, you connected it well, they figured it out logically, and solved it creatively in a way that solves the problem to fix this portion of history. It seemed so simple but it was such an enjoyable read. You did have a few missing commas and a spelling error, so just watch those last minute syntax errors. Seriously, I can't wait to read more, so keep up the amazing work!
JesterheadJohnSnow
-0.1 for sentence structure
-0.1 for punctuation
-0.1 for being historically inaccurate
-0.1 for spelling
2 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 11.6
LOVE the mispellings for accents; it makes it so realistic and makes your characters tangible and easy to hear! You have very strong descriptions and it was visual and your characterization is just fantastic. I also loved Zhen and how you included her and my other characters briefly. Visual descriptions of the landscape make me feel like I'm there. From Starkard's pov there was a description of camera flashes and from his time period, he wouldn't know what cameras are. You did have basic syntax errors in your entry but they didn't take away from your entry because it was still smooth, so there's room for improvement but I really enjoyed reading your entry. It feels like a Historical Fiction book that I just want to keep reading and I'm already addicted to it. I can tell you're passionate about it and enjoy doing it and that seeps into your writing. Wonderful job; keep it up! :)
Shermanblook
-0.2 for lack of description in the dialogue action
-0.1 for realism
-0.2 for grammar
-1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction
SCORE: 11.4
Your descriptions are visually stunning to the senses, sight and smell especially. I love your writing style and how you gave the dinos personalities almost to kind of describe the mating pair meeting. It was cute and adorable and I smiled the entire time I read it. That was a highly creative idea, although, I did take off a 0.1 for realism because I'm not sure why a report would have been filed about a mating pair meeting; I don't think it would have been specific enough to be included so the reason why it was filed probably should have been mentioned, but since it wasn't a huge issue, I only took off 0.1 for it. Also, peices of dialogue didn't have actions to clearly define who was speaking, and I'm not sure why a report would have detailed the meeting of a specific pair of dinos that would directly have an important species. It isn't too big of a realism issue, which is why I only took off 0.1 for it. As for improvement, I would simply suggest working on your character voices, which will score you a 2 on the writing maturity scale. I really enjoyed reading your entry and it gripped me from start to finish and I smiled when I read it and it was stunningly visual with sight and smell, which shows how good of a writer you are! I can't wait for your next entry!
TheCrazyMeifwaGirl
-0.4 for run on sentences
-0.2 for grammar
-0.2 for spelling
-0.3 for punctuation
-0.5 for being late (since it was only 18 minutes late, I did half a point, rather than an entire point which I don't think would have been fair).
1.6 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.4 point deduction
SCORE: 10
Awww. The Hebrew boy is so cute and I feel so bad for him. I love how you took your time with your characters, introduced them, told us what they were wearing. You've done a great job with characterization; each of the characters are unique and different and I can easily tell them apart. I'm getting attached to them and I love reading about their interactions! You did have some instances in the dialogue, like after Shmuel said, "You're from the fourteen-hundreds, right?" But you said, "he questions in Hebrew, the woman, Elizabeth, looking down to him before lowering herself into a comfortable sitting position." and separated that into paragraphs. It should read like this:
"You're from the fourteen-hundreds, right?" he questions in Hebrew.
The woman, Elizabeth, looks down to him before lowering herself into a comfortable sitting position.
Try to keep the dialogue action in the same paragraph as the character speaking it; it makes it less confusing that way. I didn't take off for this; it's just a critiquing note to help you. I just absolutely love how realistic you are with the languages. Each character has a unique voice and a unique way of speaking based on their culture and historically when they come from. It's just... it's so impressive and it makes you characters easily remembered, creative, and unique. I love The dynamics you're developing between them as well; it makes it so entertaining to read, like a book I don't want to put down! You did have a few syntax errors, but the way to improve I would suggest working on your run-on sentences, which happened a lot. One instance is when you said this:
"He remembered how to go back in time even further from taking careful mental notes while being captured, the machine whirrled for a few seconds before opening up in the location of the start of the fire."
Both of these should be two different sentences, like this:
"He remembered how to go back in time even further from taking careful mental notes while being captured. The machine whirls for a few seconds before opening up in the location of the start of the fire." I hope this helps! I really, really, really LOVED reading your entry and like I said, it's a book that I desperately need the next chapter to! I love your writing style; it's a beautiful example of third person and present tense, which most people don't do and you write so smoothly and the characterization is so strong, I have fallen in love with them and in around 2,000 words that's hard to do. Keep up the fantastic work!
ZSB2000
-0.6 for grammar
-0.4 for punctuation
-0.5 for repetitive sentences
-0.1 for realism
-0.5 for being late (I only did 0.5 because you were only late 15 minutes)
1.7 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.3 point deduction
SCORE: 9.6
All feels for Kjell being separated from his father! The descriptions of the cold and the storm made me feel it with them, so great job with it. It wasn't clear how they understood these people's language - was it from the translators? And I'm still not quite sure if you chose the Ice Age or Early Humans with cavemen/natives? From your comments at the end of your email, I'm assuming the Ice Age, but it could have been either one. You did have a lot of syntax errors - grammar mistakes and repetitive setences especially so just watch that and try to vary your sentence structure instead of starting sentences with he or she a lot. The other issue was being late, of course, but I understand thanksgiving kept you busy, so just try to start writing earlier so you hand in earlier next time. This will also give you more time to flush out your characters more. So many feels for the first humans though!
RondaRayl
-1 for characterization
-0.5 for descriptiveness
1 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in -1 taken off
SCORE: 9.5
You had a very creative idea with what went wrong in history and it was realistic and they had a good plan to solve it. Although, it lacked description in a lot of places so sometimes it wasn't clear what was going on around them. The description of the characters wasn't included, so we weren't sure what they looked like. Also, we need to know more about your characters, their personalities and when they come from, more interactions between them as well. Other than that, it was a very ,very good entry and I didn't see any syntax errors at all. For a first time writer, I'm highly impressed with how well you've done, so I'm excited for your next entry!
jesusfreak202 (my husband did all this)
-0.3 for punctuation
-0.1 for sentence structure
-0.4 for grammar
-0.1 for spelling
-0.3 for realism
-0.1 for lack of proper historical term
1.6 for being over word count by 1573
2 on the writing maturity scale
SCORE: 9.1
Really described the characters and their voices really well and we could tell who they were by how they sounded. You did William the Scotsman really well and Hijikata very well; gave me a feel for a Japanese samurai, captured Star's nationality very well. You need to remember your punctuation, especially with Hijikata because he has that dramatic pause type of talking, so you need to make sure you have your commas in there. And helping us understand how they know they need to fix time and connecting that to make it all realistic.