Rehabilitation started almost a week after I first arrived. I felt awful about still keeping them here, but Ed and Al kept dismissing my apologizes. Eventually, they just stopped responding to them, continuing to sit on the floor or in the chairs with their noses in a bunch of books.
Al and I talked a lot, discussing nearly everything from cuisine dishes to which cat breed was the softest/cutest. Ed didn't add in much on that second conversation, but he chimed in a few times whenever we were talking about food. This always led to a conversation about the Hughes family again, and soon Ed and Al were lost in a cloud of memories with grins in their eyes and faces.
When the doctor announced we could try for me walking, I was nervous. I carefully got out of bed, seeing Al watch me from his spot against the wall. Ed had stood up, taking quiet steps towards me with his hands in his pockets.
The doctor was holding my arm, making sure I didn't fall as I began moving the smallest amount of weight onto my leg.
"Now, now, be careful... Don't wanna go too fast, now do we?"
I made a brief sound of agreement in my mouth, stare dropping to my legs. I'd been confined to this sack of a hospital gown for so long, and I missed my normal clothes... I suppressed a sigh, focusing on gradually putting more of my body weight onto my right leg. The muscles felt a little odd, but it made sense; I hadn't used them in a while.
"Looks good so far."
I watched the doctor begin to step away, keeping his hand under my forearm as he called Edward's attention to him.
"Can you keep her steady and have her walk?" he asked the alchemist. "I'd like to take a look and see if her muscles are responding correctly."
Ed just nodded, his fingers replacing the doctor's light ones as soon as the pressure had left. He smiled at me, but I could tell he was just as worried as I was. I kept pushing a light amount of weight on and off of my right foot, trying to balance myself and keep the pressure off of Ed.
From his place crouched beside me, the doctor spoke.
"Now, don't be shy, dear. Unless your leg is hurting, that is!"
"No," I replied quickly. "Not yet, anyway."
I saw a frown move to Ed's lips, guilt coming to my stomach. I set more weight onto my foot, feeling little to no pain.
I grinned, looking down at my own leg. "Hey, it doesn't really hurt!"
"That's good!" the doctor replied. "Now how about we try walking? Mr. Elric, could you do the honors?"
I grinned at him, the formality of his name seeming a little strange. Ed just returned my smile as he stepped in front of me, his other hand carefully supporting my arm as the one that had been holding me came in front of himself. It was a strange way to transfer positions, but then again Ed was kind of a strange guy. A wonderful person, but also a bit strange.
His golden eyes looked up to meet mine as his hand trailed down my outstretched arm. I failed to suppress a few shivers, and soon, his fingers slipped through the spaces of mine, gently holding my hand with his. I could tell from the hardness between my fingers that he was using his automail hand, even if the limb was covered with his usual coat and glove.
He squeezed a little, pressing our palms together with a grin. I noticed the pink tinting his face, and I was sure there was more color than usual in mine as well.
"Alright," the doctor was saying. "Now let's see if you can walk."
Ed held out his other hand, and realizing what he was doing, I took it, our fingers slipping between each other again. It was almost like we were dancing in a way, especially when he gently stepped one foot back; a motion for me to try and follow.
But I didn't move. Was... Was I really seeing that right?
I blinked. I was. Ed was definitely taller than me now, at least by a few inches. What... What had happened?! I'd only been here for a week!
He raised one eyebrow at me. "What's wrong? Is your leg hurting?"
I was still a little too lost to really reply. That didn't make any sense. I mean, obviously he's supposed to get taller eventually just given his age, but to grow so much in such a small amount of time?
The doctor called my name, the sound of it shattering my thoughts. I gripped Ed's hands a little harder than I should have, feeling his fingers lightly stretch out away from mine, a shout stifled against his mouth.
"Sorry." I mumbled before looking down at the doctor.
The bald man smiled, his glasses catching the light.
"Let's see if we can take that first step!"
I stuttered out a small reply, looking down at Ed and my feet. I tried to regain myself and ignore the strangeness of Ed's height increase. I felt the alchemist in question squeeze my hands just a little bit more.
Heat rose to my face and I looked up, seeing a soft blush on his as well. Ed glanced away from me, staring down at my right leg.
"C'mon." he coaxed, and a small smile came to him. A grin broke through, but I could tell he was just as worried as I was. "First step. Let's see if we can do it, okay?"
I nodded, smiling a little as well before turning back down. I stimulated my leg, feeling the light tension spread down until it reached my knee and then further passed. I picked my foot up, the muscles underneath and to the side of my shin tensing more than they usually would. Like they were straining, almost.
"Good, good..." the doctor murmured. "A little further, if we can. Let's try and take that first step!"
My eyes were on Edward as I placed the ball of my foot down onto the floor again, a little further than it was before. He looked up, grinning wide again. His hand squeezed mine, echoing his brother's verbal cheer.
_____________
A few days later, I was finally released. It felt great to be back in regular clothes, and even better to be out of my hospital room. Even if I was currently standing in the hallway with Al.
"Ed's not here?" I asked.
"He actually stepped out to go to the rooftop a few minutes ago!" Al said. "We actually didn't think you'd be released today!"
"That's alright!" I responded, dismissing the apology he wasn't saying. My arms came behind my back, hands interlocking as I bent forward, giving myself a light stretch. "Ah, it feels so good to be standing again!"
Al smiled at me. "We can meet Brother on the rooftop, if you want."
I nodded, looking around for the overhead signs to tell me where the staircases were. Al seemed to know what I was thinking of, because he took a step to the left, blocking me from reading the nearest sign. He kept his hands behind him as he spoke.
"Didn't the doctor say to take it easy?"
I blinked, and then gave him a grin. "Oh, right!"
The elevator ride was filled with quiet small talk, a peacefulness that I had grown to feel whenever being around Al. He told me about how one time when he and Ed were traveling, he kept a cat inside his armor. He didn't realize it was pregnant; he just thought it was fat until there was suddenly a litter of kittens crying inside his body. I laughed at this, having a hard time keeping my amusement behind my hand as the elevator stopped and its doors opened.
The early evening light greeted us, the flat rooftop allowing a perfect view of the valley of clouds. As we stepped out of the elevator, I took in a deep breath, gently letting it out. I was glad this was my first real view of the outside in over a week and a half; everything looked beautiful.
Ed turned around as we approached him, shooting me a grin before his hands left the black balcony rail. He jogged over to us, grinning still.
"Hey! I didn't know you were being released now! Sorry I wasn't there."
I smiled back at him. "No, don't worry about it! I can see why you stayed up here; it's beautiful."
I looked at the sky beside us again, seeing Ed take a moment before turning to follow my stare. A soft breeze touched my hair, and I smiled at the feeling. I'd forgotten how much I liked the wind.
I noticed Ed turn back, his focus dropping to my leg.
"So you're walking alright?"
I nodded, picking up my foot and pointing my shoe-covered toes at him. "Good as new!"
"Great!" He laughed a little through his grin. "I'm glad to hear it!"
Silence fell between us again, and naturally my thoughts went back to what I'd been dreading since the date of my release was announced.
I briefly realized I was so deep in thought that I'd been holding myself, my knuckles lightly against my lips.
"What's wrong?"
I looked up, moving my hand away and meeting Ed's concerned stare. Almost instantly, I avoided his gaze, my own dropping back to the ground beside me.
"There's... Something I need to tell both of you." My feet were carrying me away, towards the balcony off to the side. I didn't WANT to walk away like this; I had really planned to tell them like it was a normal, casual thing. But I just kept moving, using my newly healed leg to face away from them, walk until I had my arms resting against the rooftop's railing.
I was such a coward.
I had to face them; I at least had to turn and look at them when I did this. The least I could do is see their expressions when they found out what a liar I was. I forced myself around, holding onto the cool metal bars behind me. My grip tensed when I saw them both standing there, even more worried than before.
"Al..." I began. "When we first spoke on the train, back when we all bumped into each other—" I was stalling; they didn't need this recap. "—I lied to you. I'm not actually a teacher."
I couldn't even say the full position title. How useless, how weak was I?
Al titled his head to the side; I could almost see the question mark above his head.
"Huh?" he asked. "You don't actually teach martial arts?"
I shook my head. Memories began to re-open in my consciousness like a wound beginning to tear apart again. I thought these had healed...
I kept my eyes closed, trying to find a slight comfort in focusing on the side of my finger against my lips.
"No." I replied finally. "I... I quit being a student a few years ago. They..." This was so hard to say... His silhouette kept coming to my mind, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. "They wanted to make me a higher rank, and I wanted to; I just couldn't do the training they were asking. Emotional work, they called it. Physical, I could handle. Tell me to do this, have me do that; didn't matter what it was. But tell me to look at who I was when no one was around, and I'll run."
I tried to laugh; tried to give a real one. But the sound was broken and cracked, only resulting something of a sob.
I pulled in a breath before continuing on, looking up to them this time. If I was going to clean my slate, I was going to clean it completely.
"I do still draw, Al." I said. "You asked me that on the train the first time we saw each other. I draw for a living, illustrating Alchemy books and sometimes other novels. That school I said I owned doesn't exist."
Al stepped forward, hands crossing below him as he motioned out to me. "But why? Why lie?"
I shrugged and looked away, faking what I could of a smile. I knew exactly why, and it was a reason I didn't want to admit to myself. Revealing everything like this was bad enough. Exposed the real me more than I wanted to—or at least, what I thought was my true self.
I lied because I hate myself. The words perched themselves on my tongue, nearly slipping out. Because I felt like I had to make myself seem better than I really was.
Tears were pouring from me now, painting the concrete beneath my feet with these small little dots. I ran my palms below my eyes, wiping the tears away.
I cry too much. This thought made me sob harder, and once again I felt how weak I truly was. I'd lost track of how many times I've made that realization, how many different ways I've made that discovery. It came all the time, especially when I was living alone. After he left. I would sit at the desk in front of that window, trying to draw those circles with my pencils constantly snapping from the pressure. My tears screwing up the drawings I tried to perfect. Blurring the lines again.
I hated it. I hated myself. Why wouldn't those memories go away? How long did I have to wait?
I had crumbled to my knees by now, and I didn't even notice Ed had fallen to his knees in front of me. I didn't even notice his hands on my shoulders until he clenched one of them a little harder. The cold metal brought me back to reality and I forced myself to pull in a breath. The air caught somewhere along my throat, my mouth open and producing no sound. Just hanging there, in the balance between isolation and foolishness.
He wasn't saying anything. He wasn't even looking at me. My memories of being on the train flashed, both of us in a similar position. Trisha's face came to me, and the emotional wound reopened, guilt bursting out instead of blood.
Ed pulled me into a hug, the motion rough. I knew he was trying hard, trying really hard to get me to shut up. I didn't blame him. These walls were built high, years in the making. It would take a while for all of them to collapse.