Inspired Song: Broken By: Lifehouse
Chapter Forty- With A Broken Heart That's Still Beating
"We are going to have fun today." Will smiled as we walked out the back door of his house.
I laughed as he was obviously excited; he seemed to have an extra jump in his step today.
It was the end of January and the wind felt like a slap in the face as we began to walk in the newly fallen snow. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve black shirt, which I curled around the end of my finger tips as I walked behind Will.
We had been hanging out almost every spare moment that I didn't have to watch Lily. Which was a lot, since Carson ended up flying back from New York for the rest of the winter and was thrilled to play with her. Since they both acted like children, it was a blessing in disguise that Clay and I could throw them in a room together and only have to check up on them every few hours.
We had only had one other meeting since the first one, nothing major happened but it had been enough to cause me to be pissed off the rest of the day. We were splitting up our money yesterday. Meg was the first to cause me to get angry, she was constantly treating me like I was some skank that Tom had gotten pregnant and that wanted all his money; and we use to be friends. Her face turned to shock though when I said that I didn't want any of his money, but then Tom and Blake seemed to just thrust money into my face. I didn't want anything to do with Tom, but that is going to be harder than I first thought since for the rest of my life, unless I get re married - which is a long shot at this point, Tom is going to pay me alimony.
That is the main reason I'm angry. It was as if Tom thought that I couldn't take care of myself, so he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life. I swore then and there that I was going to burn it all every single month that it came in the mail.
I shook my head at the memory of yesterday as Will and I came up to wooden boxes in the middle of his back yard. They had old chipped wine glasses resting on top of them along with two, from what I could tell, guns.
"Why are there guns?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He smiled at me, showing his shiny white teeth, as he picked one up. "They are just bee bee guns." He pointed it to the snow between us and pulled the trigger. I jumped at the loud bang that erupted and stared at the snow that now had a small dent in it and had a little yellow plastic sphere in the middle. "See, it's plastic." Will said handing me the bee bee gun.
I held it lightly in my hands and noticed that it was in fact plastic. "Go on give it a go." Will encouraged.
I sighed and hesitantly pointed it towards a tree that was meters away. Without really aiming I pulled the small trigger. Another bang echoed off the clearing and caused four birds to fly away from the sound. I giggled lightly, "Whoops." I looked back at Will to see that he was laughing, "Now why are we here...with bee bee guns?" I asked curiously, eyeing the glasses.
"Well," Will began, picking up another bee bee gun and curling his hand around my elbow guiding me back the way we had come, "We are going to break some glass today." He grinned down at me.
I blinked up at him, slightly stunned. "That doesn't sound safe."
He shrugged, still smiling as the wind tousled his blonde locks, "As long as you stand far enough away, you can't get hurt. It's a great way to get out your anger. I used to do it for therapy. Now I just do it for fun." He pulled me to a stop and we turned to face the glass that was hard to see from this distance since it was transparent.
Will pulled the bee bee gun up and aimed at the glass, before pulling the trigger. A short moment later, the glass shattered with a light crack and sprayed shards of glass up in the air. I jumped back and smiled in awe as the shards rained down, "That is so cool!" I said while I jumped up and down.
Will chuckled, "Yeah, now since you seem to still be pissed because of yesterday, I thought you could get your anger out this way." He shrugged softly, I smiled up at him.
"Alright, so how do you actually hit it?" I asked trying to get in some stance to start aiming.
Will laughed, "That is going to be the hard part for you."
I glared and playfully hit his shoulder. "Not funny."
"Oh, it was a little funny." Will concluded before standing right behind me and lifted up the bee bee gun that was in my hands. "Now all you have to do is aim, and pull the trigger."
I aimed the tip of the toy gun at the next glass and pulled the trigger. The yellow bee bee zoomed through the air and missed the glass. My tense shoulders slumped.
"Come on, you can do it Cas. Just aim, keep both of your eyes open and aim." Will said in my ear as he raised the gun in my hand up again. "Aim and fire." He breathed, which caused a shiver to run down my back. I took a deep breath and fired another one. It flew in the air before resting and splitting the glass into smithereens.
I smiled widely as I jumped up around to face Will. "That is so much fun!"
Will chuckled at my reaction and nodded before lifting up his gun and blowing off another hunk of glass off of the wooden boxes. I jumped up excitedly before lifting the gun up and shooting off another glass.
We did this for hours. Watching the glass shatter and fall to the ground, really got all of the anger out of my system. Just being able to break something, having the power to break something, was just what I needed.
I hugged Will tightly as he dropped me off at my house, late that afternoon. "We have to do that more often." I told him, as he smiled sweetly at me.
"Glad that I could help." He answered. I'm glad that your helping me too, Will. I thought in my head as I leaned in and placed a simple kiss on his cheek.
"I'll see you later!" I called as I hopped out of his car and shut the door before running up to the porch and opening the front door.
Shooting glass all day was exactly what I needed to do before I dropped Lily off at Tom's tomorrow.
I opened the back door slowly as Lily ran into the house, shouting for Timber, who came barreling around the corner at the call of his name, followed by a grumpy Tom.
His brown hair was sticking out in different directions, signaling that he had just gotten out of bed. He hadn't even bothered to put pants on. I rolled my eyes as I shut the door behind me and walked into the kitchen, the heels of my boots clicking against the wooden floor. Tom flinched with each clink against the floor. I raised an eye brow at him as he ruffled Lily's hair as he passed her playing with Timber.
I sighed as he came to meet me, and placed a hand on my hip, "Do you have a hangover?"
He placed a finger to his lips and closed his eyes tightly, "Shhh, yes."
I ran a hand over my face, trying to keep calm. "So do you even want her today?"
"Of course I do." He said, as Lily chased Timber around the corner, and walked around me heading for the coffee maker.
I sighed, at least he wasn't drunk. Plus Lil was being extremely loud today already, served him right. I held back my smirk as I dug around in my purse for Lily's medicine. I placed it on the counter as Tom turned around to face me. "You can't forget to give this to her Tom." I stressed staring him straight in his steely gray eyes.
His eyes widened in annoyance as he nodded his head, "I know Cas, I've done it before."
"Yeah, but I have always texted you to remind you, and I can't do that today so you have to remember." I replied.
"I know!" He said acidly before rubbing his temple with his finger tips. "I know alright?" He whispered.
I shook my head, and licked my lips before calling Lily, which caused Tom to flinch and moan at the sound. I smirked at him as Lily came skipping into the room.
I smiled and crouched down to her level. "Alright I'm leaving Princess. Don't give Daddy too hard of a time today alright?" She nodded, smiling and I began to tickle her. She giggled and squirmed in my arms before I kissed her cheek and stood up. "I'll see you soon sweetheart." I looked up at Tom as I adjusted the straps of my purse. "Don't forget." I stressed pointing a finger at him, before walking towards the back door.
I heard Lily giggle as Tom said, "Blah, blah, blah."
My jaw tightened, but I chose to ignore it as I stepped back out into the cold.
Four hours later, after returning to the house to pick up a few things and having a much needed conversation with Lucy, I ended up sitting across the table from Blake who was surprisingly casual in jeans and a navy blue hoodie.
"So what's up?" I asked, folding my arms on the table in front of me, after taking a sip of my hot chocolate.
"Nothing really, I just wanted to hang out." Blake shrugged, giving me a charming smile.
I glared at him, "You said this had to do with the divorce."
"So I lied." He replied smoothly leaning back in his chair and taking a long sip of his black coffee.
I rolled my eyes. I wanted to leave, but I felt too comfortable in this coffee shop with something hot to drink that I didn't want to go out into the cold snow. I sighed. "Well you have gained my attention, now entertain me."
He gave me a look, "Entertain you? Like I entertain all of my other lady friends?... Alright we can give it a go." He smirked, acting as if he was going to stand up and sweep me off my feet or something.
I flung a sugar packet at him as my original glare intensified. "Shut up, and act civil or I'm leaving." I threatened.
He sighed and returned to his comfortable position. "You're no fun anymore."
"Maybe that is because I act my age, unlike you. Which is quite surprising since you are a fairly good lawyer. How do you bottle up all of your childness to deal with normal clients?" I asked over my hot chocolate.
"You have become more witty over the years you know." He replied, ignoring my question.
"Well that is what happens when you are stuck in an endless circle of disappointment; you turn towards sarcasm." I smirked quickly before taking another sip, letting the hot liquid trail down my throat, holding back a moan of delight as it warmed me instantly.
His eyes turned from energetic to meaningful, "Cas, I know that you think that I love that you are getting a divorce. I don't."
"Sure," I scoffed, shaking my head in denial.
"I can see how much this pains you. Every time you see him, or even hear his name, you crack just enough for me to see that you don't really want to do this."
I looked up at him, feeling as if my eyes might water, but I quickly looked away; not wanting to have this conversation.
Blake opened his mouth to say something else, when my cell phone rang inside my front pocket. I carefully placed my hot chocolate on the table before fishing it out.
The caller i.d. read that it was Tom. I rolled my eyes; I really didn't feel like talking with him right now. I frowned as I looked up at Blake, "I need to take this."
He nodded, and remained quiet as I pressed the 'talk' button and pressed the phone up to my ear. "What do you want?" I answered, instead of a pleasant and civil 'hello'.
"Cassie..." My whole body twitched up in a more alert manner, as I heard his choked up voice. You could call it mothers intuition if you like, but my heart sped up dramatically. "I forgot. I left her alone for a minute and I-"
Immediately I cut him off as I reached behind me for my jacket. "You're on your way to the hospital right?" I asked, only now registering the light sirens sounding in the back ground.
"Yes," he breathed out shakily, "Cassie I'm sorry, I should of-"
"I'll be there soon." I said abruptly, feeling too much anger raging inside me to listen to his sob fest.
I ended the phone call, and stuck my phone back into my pocket, as I flung my hair out of its trapped position between my shirt and jacket.
"Is something wrong?" Blake asked, his eyes dead serious as he looked at my rushed attempt to gather up everything.
"Yes, it's Lily. I need to go. I'm sorry if this is entirely rude-" I said as I stood up.
Blake shook his head quickly, "No, it's not, just go." He said hurriedly, his eyes showing immense amounts of concern.
I nodded before quickly turning around and walking out of the cafe.
I quickly walked down the long white hall way, after practically yelling at the receptionist. I was in a full out panic as I spotted Tom sitting down on one of the hard looking chairs with his head in his hands.
I stormed my way up to him. My heels clinking on the floor, caused him to look up at me as I approached. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair stuck out at random, and his lips were horribly chapped.
Trying to regain my breath, I panted, "How is she?"
He turned his attention back to the door he sat in front of and shook his head. "The doctor hasn't come out yet." He told me in a rasped voice.
With the conformation that I had missed nothing, and that my baby girl could be on the verge of dying , I raised my hands and violently began to slap his arm- or really any piece of his body that I could reach ended up with a slap.
"What did I tell you!?" I screamed down at him as I stopped my violence. No one else was in the hallway close enough to hear our conversation, but I didn't even care if they heard. Let the whole world know that Tom Felton was a horrible father.
His head fell into his hands again in shame. Good he should be shameful.
"Do you ever listen to me? No! And look what is happening this time Tom huh? She could die without her medicine. Do you even get that? Are you able to think of someone other than yourself for two minutes to realize how horrible this might turn out?!" I screamed until my throat felt raw. My breaths came out in gasps as I threw my purse down on the seat next to him, and glared at him waiting for an answer.
He didn't make any move to acknowledge the fact that he had heard me, so I was prepared to rant some more. "I can't believe that you even-"
Suddenly his hands clasped around my wrist bringing them to a stop, for they were thrashing out at random, and he looked up at me with tearful eyes, "I know. Cassie, I know." There was so much concern and regret in his voice that suddenly I couldn't produce any words. I had never seen him this torn up before.
My inability to form words was short lived as I asked, "What was so important that you forgot anyway?"
His jaw tightened, and he wouldn't look me in the eye. "Meg called."
I could feel every inch of my body tighten in violent anger. "So you're telling me that you forgot to give Lily the one thing that keeps her breathing, because you're stupid agent called with some type of work related discussion?" I was surprised that my voice remained at a normal level, yet was filled with bitter acid that I could almost taste on my lips.
He didn't respond, but that was enough to give me my answer in that my assumption was correct. I ran my hand angrily through my hair. "Do you not see what your career has done to you? It's ridiculous! It is like it is this virus that has taken over your mind. Clouded everything that should be important to you." I shook my head as I stared at the floor. "I just don't understand."
"Cassie, I'm sorry." He whined up at me.
I leaned forward so that my face was closer to his, as I stared into his, almost transparent, blue eyes. "Don't tell me your sorry, because those words don't mean shit coming from your mouth. Listen to me now. If this ever happens again, and I mean ever, don't underestimate what I will do." He gulped as he stared right back into my eyes. "I will make sure that you will never get her to yourself ever again." I hissed out, before breaking eye contact and sighing before moving my purse to the ground and sitting next to him.
I saw him nod his head from the corner of my eye. "And you should. I was just being stupid, I lost track of time. Meg called and I just went into the kitchen so Lil wouldn't have to hear me. Half an hour later I came back and saw her spazzing on the floor." His voice cracked, and suddenly I felt sorry for him.
Hesitantly, and silently cursing myself, I put my arm around his shoulder and squeezed him to me. This small token of affection caused him to wrap his arms around my waist and pull me close to him as he silently cried into my shoulder.
Suddenly the room felt too hot, and I felt too uncomfortable. But I sighed and returned his tight hold, resting my cheek against his soft hair. "I don't know what I would do if it was my fault that we lost her." He whispered against the skin of my neck, causing me to hold back a shiver, as his hot breath blew against my bare sensitive skin.
I pet his hair down as I held him, something that usually comforts Lily when she is upset. His strong hands held me closer to him, and I wondered if he realized how hard this was for me; to be with him like this. I sighed and rubbed his hair. "She should be fine." I said, "It was almost nothing when it happened the first time."
He sat back a little, his glistening wet eyes looking at me with confusion, as he asked, "The first time?"
I sighed and rolled my eyes, "Do you seriously not remember?"
He shook his head, confusion clouding over the sorrow in his blue orbs.
"When she was two, I forgot once. She started with hyperventilating like she always does...and then she started to shake uncontrollably." I stared at the wall as I replayed the horrific scene in my mind, "I took her to the hospital, and after awhile she was fine. But that doctor chewed me out, as I have with you every time that you have had to do it. I will never forget to give her her medicine again after that."
"Where was I?" He asked, and I looked back at him incredulously.
"Where do you think?" His eyes softened before they broke contact with me as he looked down, before he rest his head on my shoulder again, and I foolishly let him.
Two hours later the doctor came out of the twin doors in front of us, and told us that she would be fine. She was still going to have to spend a few days in the hospital, until she was allowed to breath regularly without having to have a machine to help her. He also stressed to both of us just how fatal this situation could have turned out to be.
We were released to go back and see her. Tom took my hand and practically dragged me down the hallway until we reached her room, where he abruptly stopped. I, on the other hand, broke our contact and opened the door, not caring if he was following me or not.
I held in tears of my own as I saw my sweet daughter hooked up to machines, with a mask covering her mouth, that obviously pumped air into her lungs. I walked over to her bed and brushed her hair back as she looked up at me, her gray eyes looking like she was in so much pain. I covered my mouth, for fear of a sob escaping my lips as I heard Tom's soft footsteps come into the room. Lily looked away from me to him, and she slowly held out her small hand for him to take.
I had never seen Tom move so fast to kneel by her bed and take her small hand in his. "I'm so sorry baby girl," he cried as he kissed the back of her hand, and touched her cheek softly.
Through the mask you could see her lips twitching up into a small smile.
She squeezed his hand slightly. "What hurts Lil?" he asked quietly, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were slowly making their way down his cheeks.
With her other hand she softly touched her flat chest. Tom looked up at me in confusion, "What does that mean?"
I paused my continuous brushing of her hair, "It means her lungs hurt."
Lily smiled up at me and mouthed 'home?'
I took in a few chocked breaths and shook my head, my curls bouncing off my cheeks as I leaned over her. "No, we can't go home right now."
Slowly her eyes began to swim in tears of her own, and I swear I could feel my heart break. Tom and I both knew she hated hospitals. Suddenly my eyes shifted to Tom as he stood up and, careful of her tubes, sat behind her and pulled her into his chest as he pressed his face into her hair, rocking her back and forth gently.
The walls seemed to close in on me as I remembered that this was his fault. How could the Tom I fell in love with do this to our daughter?
I let the tears overflow my eye lids as I lost all of my control. I hurriedly left her room and slammed my back against the wall of the hallway before I shakily sank down to the floor in a ball, trying to stop the endless flow of tears; feeling as if I was mourning the death of the wonderful husband and father Tom use to be.
And what I couldn't get through my head, is why, despite my hard exterior, I still was waiting for him to return. I still believed in him, and I didn't know why.
I didn't know why, even now, I was still holding on the hope that he would give up acting for me.