My voice cracks as I ask Xavier if I can come in. This gets his attention, waking him up a little. He nods, moving to the side for me to step in.
"Sorry, I'll put a shirt on." Xavier says, grabbing a t-shirt off of his floor. "My roommate, Jacob, sneaks into his girlfriends room on the weekends, so you don't have to worry about him being here. It's just us." he explains as I walk past him. I just nod, afraid that if I attempt to speak, I'll start crying uncontrollably again. "Do you want clothes to change into?"
"Yes please." I say quietly, my voice barely above a whisper. Xavier nods, grabbing a t-shirt, hoodie, and sweats for me to put on. He hands them to me, and I thank him.
"I know you get cold easily, so I gave you the sweatshirt just in case." he says. I smile weakly and nod, the sadness overwhelming me even more.
Xavier is so sweet; so thoughtful. I don't deserve him in any sense of the word.
I stand up, and without being told, Xavier turns his back to me so that I can get changed. I lift my tube top off and unclip my bra, watching as they fall to the ground. I grab Xavier's t-shirt, recognizing it as the one he always used to wear when we would hang out on rainy days. It was always slightly big on him, but on me, it engulfs my body down to the top of my thighs.
I step out of my jeans and into the sweats, pulling them up. I use the strings to tighten them around my waist, stopping them from falling down. Lastly, I take the hoodie he gave me and lift it over my head and pull it down, immediately feeling warm and secure with it on. I smile a little.
"I'm done." I say quietly, and he turns back around. I pick my clothes up off the ground and fold them, tucking them into my bag. I walk over and sit down next to Xavier on his bed, resting my head on his shoulder. "Xavier, I fucked up big time tonight."
"No offense Helaina, but I've known you for over a year now, and you always seem to be screwing something up." he jokes. "It's part of your charm."
"No Xav, you don't understand." I begin, feeling tears weld up in my eyes. I don't bother to push them away. "This is different from all of the other times before. I managed to fuck over two people who care about me while not even taking their feelings into consideration. I'm so fucking selfish and I'm sick of always being a fuck-up."
I'm crying now, my tears streaming down my face rapidly. I don't wipe them away, knowing that if I do, I'll get eyeliner in my eye and just continue to add to the pain.
"You're not a fuck-up." he says, going to wrap his arms around me and pull me into a hug. I jump up before he has the chance, shaking my head as I cry harder.
"Yes I am! I came here, which is just going to make everything worse! Shawn was already pissed off at me because of you, and what do I go and do? Come to your room at night, which will just make him even more angry!" I sob.
I'm crying so hard now that it's becoming difficult for me to breath. I'm starting to hyperventilate. Xavier notices and rushes over to me, helping me sit down on his roommates bed.
"You can hug me, Helaina. If Shawn cares about you, he would want you to feel better even if it's me you're hugging." Xavier says, and I nod. He's right.
I wrap my arms around Xavier, resting my head on his shoulder as I cry. He just sits there, holding onto me, quite literally giving me a shoulder to cry on. Xavier gently rubs my back until I start to calm down after ten minutes of consecutive sobbing.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper into his chest.
"For what?"
"For wasting your time by dating you."
"What makes you think that was a waste of my time?"
"We dated all of that time for it to just end because I was a selfish bitch. We spent almost a year of our lives together as a couple, just for me to cheat on you. I'm a horrible person Xavier, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that." I cry, and he shakes his head.
"You're not a horrible person, Helaina. Just because you've made a lot of mistakes in the past doesn't mean you're not a good person. The fact that you're even acknowledging your fuck ups shows that you can make everything right again." Xavier says, and I sniffle, nodding.
"What if I try to make everything right, but no one else wants me to do? What if this was the final straw? What if I've finally screwed up one too many times?" I ask.
"Then they weren't worth it to begin with. Anyone who really, truly cares about you, is willing to learn and move on from your past mistakes, because they want you in their lives." he says.
"Thanks Xav. This means a lot to me that you still care." I say, sitting up straight.
We sit in silence for a few minutes before Xavier speaks up and asks, "If you don't mind me asking, what exactly did you do tonight that was so bad?"
I sigh and inhale before delving into the story. I start from the beginning; I explain who Alex is and how I met her. How Julia suspected Alex liked me but I adamantly denied it up until Julia found her journal and read it. I explain how Shawn got mad at me for asking Xavier about getting Shawn a job, and how that led to us not talking for almost two days. After that whole thing happened, how Alex came up to me and Julia outside and started screaming at us. That when we went back to their dorm room and I was alone with Alex, something inside me made me want to kiss her.
I talk about tonight, how I made the stupid mistake of getting high and partially drunk- which never ends well for me- and kissed Sebastian because I wasn't myself and was definitely not thinking straight. Then, I made the even dumber mistake of dragging Alex, poor, innocent, vulnerable, just-wants-to-be-loved-and-accepted Alex into this whole mess. How I used her for my own personal advantage of getting back at Shawn, while never once thinking about how this might effect her.
How I never once thought about how genuinely fucked up of me it was to kiss her not once, but twice, when I knew damn well that I'm the only girl she's ever allowed herself to like. How I went and screamed at her like the whole thing was her fault and not mine. How I took a girls coming out story and somehow made it all about me.
"Wow. That's um, I don't know how to say this nicely? That's really fucked up." Xavier says. I just nod.
"I don't know if anyone's going to forgive me for this. I don't know if I would even forgive myself for this." I say.
I'm laying back on his roommates bed now, staring up at the ceiling. Xavier lays down beside me, a few inches separating us.
"You should go to Shawn first. You didn't mess up as bad with him. You've done worse and you're still together, so I think you'll be fine." Xavier advises. "With that other girl, Alex? I'd wait. Give her time some time to heal. If you try to talk to her when the wound is still fresh, she may react worse than if you wait."
"Thank you so much Xavier. I mean it." I say, turning my head to look at him. He looks back at me and smiles.
"Of course." he replies. We stare at each other for a few more seconds before he sighs and gets up. "Did you want to sleep here? Or did you plan on going back to your room?"
"What time is it?"
"12:41."
I think for a minute before asking, "Do you think I can stay here? I don't really feel comfortable walking back alone this late."
"I could walk with you."
I shake my head.
"No, I'd feel too bad. I already woke you up and made you talk with me while you were supposed to be sleeping."
"You can sleep on Jacob's bed. He doesn't come back until halfway through Saturday anyway." Xavier says.
I nod, sitting up. I climb under the blankets of Jacob, Xavier's roommates, but I can't help but feel slightly odd. I put the hood up on Xavier's sweatshirt, covering my head. I lay down, still frowning.
"Do you want one of my pillows?" Xavier asks, looking at me. I smile sheepishly and nod.
"Sorry." I say, and he laughs.
"Don't be."
Xavier hands me one of his pillows and I take it, thanking him. I rest my head on the pillow and instantly feel more comfortable, finding the familiar scent of Xavier comforting. I hear the bed frame shift under his weight as he climbs onto his own bed.
"Goodnight Helaina." he says.
"Night Xav."