I arrived home to the sound of cars travelling past the house, to the smell of the city and the sight of brown, grey and tan. It was beautiful in its own way I suppose, with the dark stones and the flint specks, and the green grass that had little daisies and primroses. The sky was grayish blue today, a similar colour to duck eggs, and to think I'd been flying through that sky less than an hour ago was just plain creepy.
There was three people waiting for me when I got back. A welcome fit for the queen from my mother, who hugged me with tears in her eyes, I didn't know I meant enough to her to make her cry. It must have been weird spending an entire day and night without me there, knowing I was on the other side of the world. Courtney hugged me jumping up and down like she hadn't seen me in a century. Then she moved back to reveal a very different looking Lukas.
I nearly jumped he looked so different. He had his head shaved, little pinpricks of hair all that was left of his locks. I let my jaw hang open as I stared, horror painting across my face. What the hell had possesed him to go and do that? I was shocked, and stunned. He didnt bother to talk to me for three weeks but he had the nerve to turn up when I arrived back in the country.
"Oh Hi" I felt really awkward, I wish that they hadn't brought him here. What was I supposed to do, hug him? Greet him warmly? Shake his hand? I just stood there feeling more like I wanted the floor to eat me up. He seemed to sense my confusion because he coughed, waved and then turned grabbing my suitcase. I watched as he started leading me back to the car.
Courtney touched my shoulder mouthing the word sorry, and then my mum whispered in my ear.
"What was that all about, there wasn't even a hint you two were together?" I evil eyed her sideways.
"Thats because we arent!" I stage whispered sharply making her back up a little bit. She then looked between me and Lukas oddly, like there was something strange.
"What?" Not even bothering to make my voice quieter, he must know I was still pissed, and still not his girlfriend. He didn't react or turn as I spoke to my mother. I thought almost sadly, that part of him was trying to put of the inevitable by making this sudden appearance.
"We had an argument" I held my hand up so she wouldnt ask questions, "And before you ask for details, I'm jetlagged and starving, and on both counts I will rip your head of" I saw his shoulders jump slightly, so he'd heard that okay. I wondered what else he'd heard.
"So that's it, one argument and then its over?" I knew my mum wouldn't get it, she never understood my thinking. I just nodded, and sped up a little to get away from her, which subsequently made me considerably closer to Lukas. I literally had no idea what to say...
"You cut your hair?" He didn't bother to look up, he just shrugged saying he had wanted a change. He abruptly shut his mouth when I snapped back 'maybe we all need a change'.
"If your gonna be a bitch the whole way back then just say, and I'll put my headphones in" I stopped, making Courtney bump into me. She looked shocked at the look on my face, I was ready to seriously give him some attitude so I told Courtney to take the suitcase to the car while I talked to him.
"What are you doing?" I grabbed his sleeve, and cringed when I remembered what he hided beneath those stupid wristbands. I winced thinking of the pain in my hands when I'd cut them, how could someone inflict that kind of misery upon themselves?
"You cant even bring yourself to look at me can you?" I felt something get choked in the back of my throat. I felt like shit, is that how it seemed? That I couldn't bear to look at him...
"You cant bring yourself to call me, or text back, Facebook, Skype or email me! So I don't see why I should?" I knew that was a typical me response, get angry and stamp my foot. But I breathed out and didn't react badly to his next remark.
"Your so childish, you have no idea whats been going on!" I leaned in closer so that our angry faces were pretty close together. Then I whispered almost the way a snake hisses as a warning, I would strike if he didn't shut up.
"I know that three weeks ago you lied to our friends and said you were in America with me when you weren't. Then you disappeared off the face of the earth and don't bother to tell me where you've been. Then I get home and your here to greet me, maybe I know a little more than you give me credit for" His eyes had bags around them and they looked tired, it was hard to tell if the redness around his eyes was from sleep deprivation or because he was being beaten again.
"Wow, you actually did some checking up on me. Did it make you feel good to think you were looking out for me seeing as you couldn't bear to come near me in person?" His voice had gone dark and stony, and his eyes had taken on an opaque appearance.
"I'm here now aren't I?" I grabbed his hands on both sides and ran my thumb up to his wristbands feeling my stomach physically drop. I tried not to react, and I was trying really hard. All of this to prove a point... in theory never seeing Lukas again and pretending he didn't exist had been a good idea, but I couldn't stand him hating me, and he was here now.
"Because I forced myself on you" I thought about the growl in his voice, I'd heard that growl before. Was me arguing with him turning him on? I pushed that thought away, no of course it wasnt. No way.
"Well if I'm so god damn awful why would you bother huh? Why would you come here at all, if I'm such a bitch you cant bear to listen to? Why. Are. You. Here?" I gave him a cold stare back, letting my frown drain away until my face was a blank. He seemed confused as to what I'd just said.
"Because I love you!" People looked at us now, like we were some highlight on the Jeremy Kyle Show. We had gathered a casual audience who were trying to look inconspicuous by talking amongst themselves and glancing our way, even the airport security had stood ready. What did they think Lukas was gonna do, beat me?
"You love me so much you'd rather slice your wrists open than talk to me. You love me so much to make me feel so lonely on my holiday that I ended up having sex with my oldest friend. You love me so much you let me think you were dead or dying, rather than texting me... You don't even know what love is" I turned and walked towards the door. I could hear his feet dragging, I walked out of the airport entrance giving the security guard a quick smile to show him it was all over, and we'd stop dramatizing the airport.
I waited outside leaning on the wall for a couple minutes to let Lukas get his head in order. Plus, I didn't know where they'd parked. I didn't wanna walk around the whole car park in search of a car, plus it had just started to rain.
"Where's the car?" He pointed in a general direction and started walking. I stayed a couple steps behind so I could follow him directly to the car where I could get away from this awkwardness and talk to Courtney about how amazing America was.
"So, you had sex out there?" I looked at the ground, breathed deeply and nodded allowing him to think that through.
"You cheated on me" I thought the statement was blunt and a bit rich, you have to be together for you to cheat on each other. I rolled my eyes.
"Nope, I didn't cheat. We weren't together anymore, you made that pretty obvious by walking out on me while I was bleeding and then not talking to me for nearly a month" Whoa, it had nearly been a month since the whole wrists incident. He didn't look as shocked by that as I thought he would be.
"Fair enough" That was it, all he had to say on the matter? I didn't know what else to say.
"Your dad been being his charming self again?" I said sarcastically, I'd noticed that limp and the slump of his shoulder. His baby finger was twisted at an awkward angle too. It didn't take a genius to realise the abuse was a torrent, all encompassing and never stopping.
"Yeah, just as much as your charming self" I stopped, I could see the car and the people in it. My Mum was busily chatting with Courntey who was keeping her attention in the car as much as possible.
"Don't you dare compare me to him. I never hurt you like that, and I never would" I was determined about that. He could slag me off and belittle my confidence, but I would never be like that man. That man made me sick.
"Whatever you say Sophie" I grabbed his shoulder and made him look at me.
"Your Daddy is in my nightmares, he kills you in my dreams and destroys everything. So don't compare me to him, because he haunts me enough already. Him and your stupid habit, there his fault!" I walked to the car, opened the front door, pulled Courtney out and into the back with me. I didn't even want the slight possibility I'd end up next to Lukas in that car.
I asked my mum to swing by Lukas' house as he wanted to be dropped off first, he didn't object. I couldn't help but feel slightly defeated at his lack of fight. Was it so much to ask that a guy who says he loves me should fight for me? Even when we were both angry and upset.
A name popped into my head. Riley. Riley fought for me and I threw it back in his face. He had not just thought, but begged, and then I had rejected him like he meant nothing to me. I felt a ball tightening in my stomach.
Out of everyone, when I'd been alone I had turned to him. I had gone to my Riles. He'd tried to make me feel better, he'd tried to help as much as he could. He was still my Riley, I thought with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was one of those girls, the ones that cant get over a guy even though he cheated on them.
"Sophie, were you listening to any of that?" I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the reflection of myself, me but the opposite. Where I felt a burning depth inside me my eyes looked hollow. My lips were parted in a smile even though I felt depressed, and my eyes were wide as if interested. I looked at myself. I'd obviously gotten too good at faking, because my expression could even fool myself.
"Yeah, I was listening, now say it all again"