TANYA
April 6th, Monday
"Did everyone enjoy their weekend?" My music professor asked as she set her stuff up. I know I did, Ron been showing me a different side of him and I'm liking it.
"I think we all did, did you?" Jane asked and we looked awaiting her answer. "Actually I did, thank you." She replied smiling and that made me smile.
"You seem happier Miss Moore." She stated tryna call me out, when everyone directed their attention to me I slid down in my seat some.
"I'm always happy." I lied and she gave me a look and I gave it right back.
"Anyways, as we discussed last week. I asked you guys to choose a song that described you or your life.. who wants to start first?"
She questioned looking around, a girl stood up and held her notebook. "I don't mind." She said handing the sheet to our professor.
Once things were set up, she began playing the keys on the piano and I instantly knew who it was that she singing.
I leaned up in my seat some along with everyone else as she started off, she seemed nervous, but we all are at times..
"I know you've been hurt by.. someone else. I can tell by the way you carry yourself.. if you let me, here's what I'll do.. I'll take care of you, I've loved and I've lost.."
She started and a few of the guys started rapping Drakes verse. She seemed to get startled but she still kept up.
When she got to my favorite part, I lowly went along with her.
"It's my birthday, I'll get high if I want to. Can't deny that I want you, but I'll lie if I have to. 'Cause you don't say you love me to yo friends when they ask you.."
Damn I felt that in my soul, I can only imagine how Ron be feeling.
"Even tho we both know that you do.." Yup that part was directed towards me, I hear ya Drake.
Once she finished we all stood up and clapped as loud as we could , she covered her face shyly and our instructor was stunned.
As a few more students went, she looked my way and I reluctantly got up. I gave her a copy of the lyrics and the musical keys, then I got on stage and coached myself.
"I got this." I told myself, when she began I took a few moments before I started.
"I drove for miles just to find you and find myself... All these screams, all these voices in my head. You gave me STRENGTH, gave me HOPE for a lifetime."
I probably shouldn't have picked this song to preform cuz my instructor was good at reading between the lines, but I really felt this song in my spirit.
"I never was satisfied.."
"This time won't you save me? This time won't you save me? Baby, I can fill myself giving up, giving up.."
I sang from within, I felt myself getting choked up but I refused to break.
"It's not your fault, I'm a bitch, Your a monster.. Yes your a beast, and you feast when I conquer.."
I inhaled deeply to keep from crying , I changed some words around purposely.
"But I'm alone in our home, all these stitches.." I heard someone gasped and I contemplated if I wanted to keep going or not.
"I came this way, all this way just to sa-." I couldn't even finish, I stopped and looked out into the small crowd staring at me with questionable looks.
"I'm sorry.." I apologized quickly walking off stage ignoring them calling my name. Once I made it to my dorm, I slid down my door and cried.
I cried because I was angry for getting emotional on stage, I cried because I hated the fact that I still loved a man that was noticed but abusive to me.
I cried because I was tired, I was hurt. I cried because I couldn't fully love Ron because of how fucked up I was mentally and emotionally.
I know he loved me and cared about me, but I was afraid he would leave if I kept pushing him away.
I cried because I didn't understand why my dad blamed me for my moms death .. I cried just to cry cuz I deserved it..
I caused a lot of the beatings to happen , I can admit that, but it still wasn't right, it was no where near right..
I was so distraught I didn't even hear my phone going off. I pulled it out my pocket and instantly felt a little safer.
"Ron?" I answered quietly, "What happened shorty?" He asked and I just broke down, I couldn't keep it together.
I was tired of putting on a facade like everything was great with me or I never had a sad day in my life.
I was tired of telling people I was doing "good" when I was really ready to end it all.. AGAIN.
I was tired of smiling just so nobody could see how much I was hurting on the inside.
I was tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough, that I should've been dead a long time ago.
I was tired of feeling like I didn't mean anything even when people made it clear of how much they loved me.
No one deserved what I was going through, but a piece of me felt like I deserved it..
I deserved it, is what he always said.. I deserved it.
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RON
"How is she?" Nina asked after I walked out Tanya's room after making sure she was asleep.
"Honestly.. I'm not sure. I seen her like this before and it wasn't good.." I told her trying not to say more than I should.
"Appreciate ya' for callin me." I told her as I took a seat on their sofa. "If it were me, I'd want her to call my brother or someone I was close wit."
She said sitting by me and I looked at her. "She would've been good if you would've came ta' her rescue Nina.. she likes you, she's jus' going through shit."
I told her after realizing what she was saying. "I know, but if I were in my shoes, I'd rather my brother come aid me.." she mumbled and I stared at a picture of them on the coffee table.
"She loves you Ron.. but she's scared or holding back for some reason. I can't force her to like me or wanna be around me unless she wants me around her."
She added, I rubbed the back of my neck then leaned against the sofa. "She got love for ya' Nina.. just give her time. She talks about you wit' me a lot."
I informed her, she looked at me then at the picture of them. "I always wanted a sister.. I found that in Tanya, but I just feel like she's holding back or it's things she scared to tell me.." she spoke quietly and I just stayed silent.
"I feel selfish for even thinking like this, I guess I'm just jealous cuz she's so nice and open wit' you, but she shut me out.." she revealed and I nodded slowly.
"Don't feel selfish you have a right ta' feel a certain way, you love her like I do, just in different ways but that still doesn't change things.. give her time Nina, she's been through a lot ma.. be patient." I said getting up when I heard movement.
I stopped and looked from the bedroom door then to Nina, she stared at me funny. "Go check on her, talk ta' her, y'all need it." I said sitting back down and pulled out a blunt.
She smiled and got up after hugging me.
"Thank you!" She chirped before heading to her room. I lit my blunt and just decided to get dumb high and vibe here until, I knew Tanya would be okay.
I could barely understand her when I called cuz she was crying and breathing so much, I thought she was gonna hyperventilate.
I was in the middle of business when Nina called me, I didn't think it was that serious until I heard shorty on the other end.
Shorty just can't catch a break.. she needed to get away for a week or two and I was gonna make it happen, as long as she agreed on it..
I watched the sports center on their tv for what seemed like two hours, but I know I was just high as hell.
I got up and made my way to their kitchen and looked for someone to feed my hunger, a nigga was hungry as hell.
I settled on some hot pockets and crushed them shits in five minutes. When I was looking through their cabinets, I heard Nina call my name.
I grabbed the bag of sweet chili Doritos and looked at her. "Sup?" I asked walking her way, "She wants to know if you can stay da' night?" She questioned.
"Yeah, she good?" I asked and she shrugged, she seems... stuck" she replied sad and I cleared my throat.
"I told her I would get us some pizza and wings.. I'a let y'all talk." She added walking around me, I stopped her and gave her a fifty.
"Don't take it personal." I said and she gave me a weak smile then disappeared into her room. I walked into Tanya's room and found her laying in the middle of the bed staring up at her ceiling.
"You wanna talk?" I asked placing the bag of chips on her dresser. "Can you hold me please?" She asked not looking at me, but I seen her lip trembling indicating she was about to cry.
"It's not fair.." she whispered when I crawled in behind her. "I'm supposed to hate him, but I still love him." She spoke softly as she played with the charm.
"I love a man who beats me whenever he's drunk and blames me for my moms passing.. I still think about going back to him and just taking everything that'll come with it.."
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand then cleared her throat. "I deserved what he did and I probably deserve more.." she said pissing me off.
Nobody deserves to get beat on or talked down upon, NOBODY no matter race or gender deserves any form of abuse, even if it's just verbal, that shit can really fuck a person up and I can see how it's affecting her.
"I deserve to be happy, yeah I'm young but I want to love you like you love me.. when I moved here I didn't have falling in love on my mind, I was just worried about my dad and if I'll even make it to see 18.."
She paused then turned in my hold and stared up at me with watery eyes.
"When I swallowed those pills, I honestly prayed and hope that I had died that night, when you called that night and I heard it was you, I wanted to go right then and there cuz I knew you would come and save me once you heard.."
I wiped her falling tears but they kept on coming.
"I wanted to be with my mom so bad Ron.. I miss her like crazy and I couldn't handle the abuse anymore... that night you saved me.."
She buried her face in my shirt and broke down and I couldn't do anything but hold her.
"Y-You saved me, but I-I di-didn't want you to.. I wanted to die right there, why did you come?!" She cried sitting up and wiped her tears away angrily.
"WHY DID'T YOU LET ME DIE!?" She yelled breathing heavy, I slowly sat up and just stared at her.
"You got so much shit to live for and you don't even realize it..." I said shaking my head, trying hard not to get emotional, damn I should've never smoked that blunt.
"That's not what I wanna hear.. why couldn't you just pretend you didn't hear me? Why did you have to play Superman and save me? I'm broken Ron! I'm damaged goods! I don't have shit and I can't give you shit! Why didn't you just leave me there!?"
She cried slamming her fists on her thighs.
"STOP SAYIN-..." I stopped to calm down, "Because I loved you.. I was just too stupid to admit it.. I thought it was just lust or kiddy shit so I never said much.."
I finally said and she stared at me as the tears kept falling. "I lost my best friend to suicide cuz I was a few minutes late.. I told myself I would never let dat' happen again.. when you told me you did dat' shit, I damn near lost my mind."
I told her as I leaned my head against her head board.
"I couldn't lose you.. at least not like that.." I said the last part lowly, she crawled over to me and straddled my lap.
"I love you Tanya and I wanna help you get better, dis shit ain't healthy and I know you've been having those thoughts again.."
I stated looking at the open bottle of pills. She looked at me then followed my eyes.
"Ron.." she called but I shook my head, I noticed it when I first got here, but I chose to ignore it.
"I wanted to.. but I didn't.. I couldn't." She explained wrapping her arms around my neck. "I'm sorry." She apologized.
"Killing yourself is not the way... you are stronger than you think shorty and I REALLY need you to see that." I told her after clearing my throat.
"You have some many things going for you and you don't even know it, so many people adore you, but you gotta open your eyes to see that.."
I paused and sighed. "I wanna take you ta' Jamaica or anywhere you wanna go, for a week or two.." I said and she pulled back and stared at me.
"You need space from all of this negativity.." I informed wiping her face. "Are you for real?" She asked and I nodded.
"You deserve happiness shorty." I assured and she smiled hugging me. "Let me talk it over with my teachers, then I'll get back to you, by Wednesday."
She said and I shrugged not seeing a problem. "I love you shorty, don't ever forget that." I told her as I rubbed her back.
She cupped my face in her hands and stared at me, "You love me?" She asked in a sweet voice and I chuckled.
"I do shorty, I do." I replied pecking her lips. It started off as pecks then it turned into a slow passionate lingering kiss.
"Stay dope shorty." I mumbled into her neck after she pulled back from the kiss and and rested her head on my shoulder.
"Stay dope." I repeated rubbing her back.. she was something special to me and she didn't even know it..
Damn man..
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