When I talk to Lily it bring out my writing self. Yesterday night I talked to her about 'us'. The one questiong I asked for? What exactly does she want. And go figure. She doesn't know. She said: Your guess is as good as mine.
She means so much to me. This is crazy but I drove around and thought to muself out loud aboubt talking to her. You know. Gave myself my own councwling. Don't worry lol I didn't respond to myself. I only spoke out loud.
Anyway. It gave me a conslusion that may or may not make sense. Lily is my companion as I'd hope. Xavier is my companion. Not my brother. Not my best friend because I think that's a wierd word to use with a family member but I'll leave it as a companion. A companion is someone who keeps you company. Right?
In Lily's case I don't say companion as someone who keeps me company because physcally we haven't seen each other since august. But she does mean something to me. She means a lot to me. I know you guys can tell.
What I said she meant to me is a companion that I holds my trust. Someone I can talk to seriously or not. Someone who really means something. I explained that a lover is someone I want. And she isn't that somone anymore. Yes, I'm upset that she won't be my girlfriend but that doesn't mean that we can't be companions.
I read over a conversation we had months ago. She said that she doesn't want to live without me but shdoesn't know what she wants. Which is still the case now. She vaguely knows what she wants. What I want is for her to be in my life. I've already lost a really good friend. I can't lose another. I have to make this situation right.
I looked up what I should do in order to fix a relationship. It went on after to the romantic part but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about lossing the woman I care for dearly. I've abused a lot of my friends since she said she didn't want to be friends anymore.
A friend of mine is headstrong about me letting of her. I'm too young to be focused on one person. Which is true. However, if this one person is someone I can keep in my future than I'll go for it. I'm wanting a woman who wants to be with me but is okay with space. Which means, I get it if she misses me after a week but after days--after hours? No.
She has to be able to handle the fact that I'm busy. I'll go on dates with her on my days off. I'll be with her but her schedule has to work with mine. Which is a problem because whoa. My schedule.
She needs to understand that I'm a writer and to not interupt me when I'm writing. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect that. I want to know what she wants. I'll meet her to the best of my ability. I'm not much or a spending guy but if she wants something and has a legitament reason. Sure. I'll get it. I'm not going to make my salary fit only her though. I want a teammate not a dependant.
Anyways. I'm cleaning my room slightly. I better get going