Amber being just 17 When she met him. Not one day after has been a regret but of deep caution. Pulling back from one love after the other. One mistake after the other. One lie after the next. Anger consumed everything then. But not hardly now. No are you kidding this is Amber we talking about here. Remember Amber?
Resulting in masturbation and how dare you look at her as if she's wrong.
Her wrongs made her right now. If she had stuck in her marriage she would not have been who she is now.
How can she go back. Wasn't it him that didn't love her? When he cheated on her, it brought Amber low. So low she started hanging out with this dude everybody knew as Gin.
Gin cut up much dope. He always made sure she had her covered; as far as money and her weed was concerned. But one day they went to this apartment and things were different. Amber was use to him pulling up serving them fiends and leaving. Not that day.
That day he told her they were going shopping. So she thought it was cute.
These high ass boots and booty shorts. He got her hair done in a funky lil cut as if she was gonna walk the hoe stroll. Be pimped on the down low, she was married. What did he care.
inside of the fiends place. It was her job to make them spend more. They were to look but not touch. She belonged to Gin as he said it. A confused time back then a piece of what shattered her.
Amber's only girl desires ran wild. It was exciting and captivating to be strutting through the place commanding them to do what she wanted.
She did not see them as fiends; rather lonely men that enjoyed getting high with a pocket full of monies. Adding to their pain. Her addiction to weed, ad and theirs to coke
It was a high like no other. Then this one fiend he was different. Deluding her into thinking they were from the same worlds. She hit it! The cocaine brought company going down her throat.
One swallow of the pure uncut white powder substance was doing it's job. Amber choked and gagged "Omg! Get that fucking shit away from me!" she yelled at him. He was the one with the bands that night. It was only her job to get them. Even pretending as if she used. A poor choice for that act. She wasn't fooling anyone. He laughed and said "Your first drain." it was too.
Amber sat down. It was her first drain. It kicked in. She tried to say to him "I'll be right back." she noticed that her mouth was numb too. Especially after she just tasted the pure they called the mighty white girl this is Texas nothing under average. Everything was above average. Amber reminded herself of this shit to not go back to it. Miles slick ass she gave her coochie pie to a fuck nigga.
She would act shy at first. Then would say to this John "hey you want a good time. Get another gram or better... I'll show you!"
No brainer Gin was conveniently waiting in the living room area. He hated to watch her conversation with them. He knew she was more than this, as she thought about it though she didn't feel the same.
When she got up she drained all the way in the living room. Gin was there waiting to hear some good news. But Amber said "take me home." From the look she gave him, he rose to his feet picked up all his work, aka dope and grabbed his phone and keys and took her home. The ride was silent, but he stared on the way.
She believed he loved her or cared for her more than her husband at the time.
since Anthony was banging the neighbor and harboring secrets shit she had some too.
It was his fault for leading her down into temptation. He knew she had to have it. He knew she had to have him. When he denied her the desires of her kitty Kat she sought it else where. Only that's the shit she says in her mind. Anthony never denied her. Not once. He just failed to deny them hoes too. Fuuuck! Amber sighed. Fuck them all. She cried in her home alone now. Fuck them all, I'll get it back.
The mirror image of myself smiled while I looked to see who she was now, and why she had to play so many roles. Myself looking at her was saying clearly biiiitch what you mad. Myself.
For certain I was. Anthony wanted me back and I am confused at the thought of leaving Bry. I spoke to the mirror.
Maan, if the world of people that follow me and my life songs only knew my life. I'm not a victim no more. I am not a vic tiiiiim I yelled.
To the top of my lungs and the only person that could see me was someone who had also hurt me.
I wished I had known Bry watched periodically from his phone everything I was putting herself through. He could help but he had, and his goals was for Anthony.
I picked up the phone that Miles forfeited being dumb. Feeling dumb played the video. Shaking my head and smiling too, while crying.
I'm supposed to be more by now I said. I'm supposed to be pretty.
I'm supposed to still have my husband. I'm supposed to be pretty. Bitch how. What you mean. You know what I mean. Nah tell me.
Your swag it's gone down. Whaaaa. Don't what now.
What you mean. Get your shit together and stop not listening.
I'm good, and I'm fine it was just a couple of grams. I'm done.
Prove it. Prove what? That you done. I will then.
I went back and forth with myself until I was satisfied. Fuck you.
Until I was comfortable with owning up to my mistakes. A withdraw and tears came with praises up I didn't beg the Lord to make me over. Leaning over the toliet standing up spitting out all she had just done in light of depression. No one got it.
Everybody had their opinion I looked at it as an opponent.
I looked down at my legs and remembered I use to be much more toned, and had weight.
My body was disappearing and Bry had been gone, but still even another state, place, time, or woman could mistake the things he would do, or had already done for her and sadly noe I'd sit in her house and go from room to room living out a new memory. Crying to the sky.
I'm done with this poison I'm better than this. Your bigger than these problems I have thank you thank you thank you thank you.
My admission of dreams, shared alone, Bry is the only person who cared if I posed in the mirror, screams, cries, video blurbs on my YouTube that I occasionally just did out of the blue.
Bry was on the move tho he was making his ends meet. Basically to make my ends meet. He couldn't afford to see me ever fail, but mostly he wanted to show me he didn't need my moneybags.
A real nigga like him knew better still he started to reserve and get on his teenager shit. That's how he felt watching me have all the wreck lessons with these men. Bry had an amazing agenda unlike any other I had seen.
As I went through the withdrawal process of pain laying on the floor inside my home, Bry continued making his moves, and tuned in to my life. My real life before he met me and before I told him, anyway to a fault of degree of real love he didn't care. But Anthony would see him soon. His vow to stop a lot of things would be a mere gesture to his girl. Silly ass, damn it.
Who was I fooling moving from room to room. Changing from something dark to something alluring and bright. A slick psycho. Taking off my jacket to sit I opened up a stash he saw me too.
It may have turned him on a little watching me in pure creativity after i inhaled from my nose a one on one. A sniff of the cocoa I had placed inside of a necklace that hung from my neck.
A key to the public but it was my stash that I got from Bry; unaware that he knew. Bry wished to have me in a way where I would be this person. Who was the last person I knew had it on demand and never questioned me. I didn't do enough of anything to say it was a habit. Wow, he watched as I wrote down something. Nosey ass.
He couldn't read it the angle didn't allow it. I was not very helpful to holding it up for his bird eye camera and no matter the cost he was the main protection the only man who really satisfies me, but boredom was a playground unexpectedly to occur.
I shocked him by calling him, as he turned off the data watching our home for reasons unknown to me still. Shit, I only found an ounce of that soft he served and I vibed off of. I thought it was just his stash. Never once questioned. He was a dealer.
He owed me everything for being me. Bry, answered with a few questions and I did not mind this was an acquiring mind. He had me now. Intriguing and captive to my ego.
It felt to good to hear me now on the phone wining for daddy to come on home. It's Saturday, i reminded him. Can you come on Monday. I asked, excited. Bry said, I'm not sure I might be able to swing in before then. What's up? What you doing though?
I'm umm, immediately I said that I loved him, but that the PR was calling, and hung up the phone. Bry didn't have a problem with that statement
Why would he, and that wasn't going to hurt me. I just didn't get it. We both remembered at the same time, in two different places what was what between us, and i told him I lied. I lied.