PRESENT DAY
ANGEl
There are moments in life which you wish you never lived and this particular moment is one of those moments of my life. The older you get, the more people you lose but at the rate I am going I won't be surprised if I am left all by myself in a few years for now. No one will be just one call away, no one to promise me empty forever's, no one just me and my God forsaken life. At just twenty-five all the people I could call my family are dead. On the name of a family all, I, am left with is my maternal aunt and her nine-year-old daughter and it's been years since we last met. Losing people I love is not new to me but every time it hurts a little more than before, every time I wish it's was the last time, but it seems like I am running out wishes.
Death always brings ugly memories and rejection and leaves me with a familiar emptiness inside. It makes me questions everything.
My first encounter with the death happened when I was just nine years old, and my whole family went to India. I remember how my mother used to complain about how she much she miss India and intensity with which celebrations occur in India.
After ignoring my mother's demand for years of celebrating Diwali in India, my dad finally gave in and I along with whole family went to India to celebrate Diwali. Diwali is a traditional Hindu festival also known as the festival of lights. In India, it's all about big feasts and lighting crackers whereas here in states my family celebrates Diwali with utmost simplicity along with other fellow Indians in Texas.But when it comes to India and celebrations there is no point of simplicity. On the night of feast, my whole family was gathered at my nanny's place in Chandigarh one of most beautiful city in India. My nanny suffered a heart attack on the eve of Diwali and died the next morning.
Even when all my memories of her are mostly vague, I still remember how incredible woman she was.My nanny and I were close.Her sudden dead left a great impact on me and after the sudden disappearance of my elder sister the same year was at little too much for the nine years old me everything that happened that year affected my parents a lot worse. That year was the darkest year of my life.
Unfortunately, this year seems like a replica of that miserable year I had. This year death has knocked up my life again. This year I had let death win again. This year parts of me died a silent death with everything I had.
After so many encounters with death, Now I know it's easy to lose than love.It easy to miss someone when he is gone, and it is a hell lot harder to miss a person when he is right in front of you. You know it's all over when you see the person you love miles away from you when he is standing right next to you. You know you are broken forever because now he can't fix you.
When everything was perfect in my imperfect world I never really bother to appreciate it. The irony of my life is now when life has taught me to be patient and be grateful. There, not much left in my life for me to be grateful. With him, my life appeared too bright, too perfect to be real.
Now every question I ever been asked about the man who made my life worthy of all kind of appreciation keep coming back to me.
There was always someone in the room which use to ask me what it's like to his perfect match they asked ''What was the one thing I would never change about him '' And so many other questions of the same fashion. Some curious creatures of gods didn't stop at that and even asked questions taking in regard the future of our relationship. ''What if you fall out of love? ''Are you insecure of losing him to another girl in future ?''.
There was a time when all these questions held no meaning to me I was just living my dream with him. Now I wish I had answered all those questions I ignored and gave all the information I kept to myself In hope that when we failed to figure out what we had the world will eventually come up with something that could help both us to figure it all.
Only if could go back and tell them all.Tell them there is no such thing about him that I love. Tell them how I wished there was something That I loved about him some characteristic of him that I loved, some physical aspect that I loved but there was none.My life could have been so much better If I did fell for a part of him not all of him.
I don't know how someone can come up with the right answer to a wrong question. If only I could tell them you don't fall out of love, there is no such thing as falling out in love. It is a one-way route you can only fell, and there is no coming back. If only I could tell them I was never insecure of losing him because with him, I was insecure of losing me.
But they knew nothing about us and continued asking the wrong questions and kept me busy in figuring out the answers to the questions they never asked. Strangely today it feels like I have all the right answers to all the wrong questions. If today I had a chance I would tell the world story of both of us.
The story in which I was on one end the road he was on the other end, ends which were never supposed to meet and then one day our ends met and our life came to still and we were on two different ends. I remained glued to my ground so did he something made him change his mind, and he rushed towards me I rush towards him and with us our worlds too collided in the middle.
The collision left us in nothing but in pain. I hated that our destiny Left us with bruised souls and broken hearts. I was sick of love, and I was tired of the pain it gave both of us. So I crawled back to my end praying he would do the same.
That moment He had to make a choice for both of us.He had to choose his end, and I could see some regret in his eyes for what we both did. I could read what was going through his mind back then. But now it holds no importance now when he has made his choice and to my dismay he chose his side of the road and Again at the moment I was prepared to lose him too, just like everything else I had decided to let him go too.
That moment I knew everything had changed for me once again. In last five years, my world has managed to turn upside and down twice. It's killing me to say but with me, he was destroyed too.
I am still surprised how I can remember everything like it happened yesterday. But how could I not? I saw a glimpse of perfection in our world, in us just before everything trembled over.
I remember how we move past everything that came in our way. I could never tell when he got this close. When he became my everything and then he turns out to be a mistake, a mistake I intentionally made. I could never tell when he knew me more than I knew myself. I could never tell when our world fell apart like they never met.
Life can be so many things and one day it loose meaning and my life also lost its purpose somewhere in the middle of losing him. It was not always this way. We had our share in paradise too. I was his drama queen, and he was my pumpkin. We fought for the last spoon of Nutella, and he hated, but I loved messing around with his hair, He won't let me come near his hair but one day I got lucky and had my way with them. That fine day his hair turned pink.We were high most of the time but never on drugs we were high on love.I wished that we remain the same but like i said am running out of wishes.
Right here while I am sitting on the floor and everything I had was destroyed. I can feel him walking out of my life. I can feel him leaving me for good this time. I can feel how my world is shattering into pieces with his every step away from us.
He is not here any more, but I can feel his presence everywhere as if he never left As if this place can't exist without him.But I know it will change from now. Soon, his memories will go away, and I will be okay once again because in my world there is no other way for me to exist than to accept what he choose for both of us.
While sitting on the floor, I can see myself baking his favourite forest cake in the kitchen. I am on the phone asking for the recipe from Nicole and like any other time he is messing with me. He is using his lips to distract me and As much as I hate my immediate response to his touch I love the way he engulfs me in his big and comfy arms.
To my right I could see every photograph of us coming to life. Photographs that until today were a reflection of my present but for now, they are a reflection of my past that will be long forgotten. In one of the many photographs that hanging on the pale white wall, we are engaged in one of our many pillow fights and like always he wins. It was a difficult shot, but we managed it somehow I can still hear our chuckles from that day. In another photograph which Is to the left of the first one, I am climbing his back, and he is holding a cardboard which has Happy anniversary written on it with a black sketch.All the moments captured In the photographs were incredibly beautiful and Like all wonderful things, neither that moment nor we last.
I knew I was messing with my heart when I tried to bring him back to the ground. I should have known it was not going to happen. I should have known love disappears in the smoke when reality hits you hard, and your armour breaks right in front of you.You know you have come to the dead end you can't go any further all you can do is take a step back and get one step closer to losing yourself
I gave him power over me, and he chose to destroy me. Even with all the pain it gave me I let him in. I sometimes hate it that he has so much power on me, and I hate him, and I adore how he faked it all. He took the advantage of my vulnerability, and I hate that I love the way he took over my heart and broke it so silently that I couldn't hear it breaking myself.
I went crazy in the start I couldn't believe that we didn't make it. As much as I want to put all the blame on him and believe that I did nothing wrong, I know we both we were at fault. He did warn me about the shortcomings of us but at that time, I was blind and couldn't see what was store for us.
Today when my relationship with him had run its course.I have nowhere to point fingers nobody to blame, Nobody to direct my anguish, my hate, my beaming question and my tears.This time, I have no excuse to blame death for ruining me. It has been me who had killed us.Even with everlasting pain it left both of us I can't help but say It was nice to know we were there for each other because without him I could never have found my purpose.
Lately, Whenever I smile or try to be happy I have to fight a battle.All I remember is how good we were together he made me laugh so hard he loved me so hard, and then he ruined me so hard. I don't know who I am fighting with I don't know I am fighting against the gods or fighting against myself
May I will never be able to find out because now I know I won't run away from my present I won't be the girl I was I won't run away like I did five years ago.I won't leave like I did years ago.
Everybody have their flaws I had too he had his flaws too, and I know he loved me, and I loved him back, and our hearts will remember that. I know our story cannot just end like that there have to be more just a goodbye on his part more than just a tears on mine.
Now when I am left with nothing of my own and I have therefore had no reason to restrict myself from any course of action. Now the sole purpose of my life is to give myself another chance. Another shot to drug me in love.
I don't know about the world; it's people, the media, the whole universe but we will remember our love.Our hearts will remember.
I know there are no dialogues here but just pure emotions..i am a very emotional soul and this is my try to make something out of it.do share your views..tell me if you fell it is too dragged out or it's just fine..i will really appreciated it /