Chapter 39
The lab was unusually quiet. Maggie and Janet were on a long walk, Dr. Rosenthal was in Denver, what scattering of lab technicians and scientists were in the Boulder office, and Amarr had the day to himself. I can get a lot done he thought, but another interest was knocking at his heart, one that was not leaving until he dealt with it.
He went to the back and organized one of the labs for the next day as a distraction, but as hard as he tried, he could not escape the questions that pushed against his soul. He made his way back to the front windows to sit and admire the view. With feet on the desk, he allowed the day to carry him back to India and Pakistan where we grew up. He remembered the sweet smells of spices in the markets, and the friends his parents knew, always showering him with little gifts and treats. The markets would be warm and inviting today he pondered, looking out on the first snowfall of the year. He worked in the underground lab two days a week, with the remainder spent in Boulder, but this day was timely for being able to sift through his mental chaos in peace. He struggled putting the pieces together from yesterday's meeting. Meyer was happy with the child's progress, but there was more to Maggie. More than Meyer should know.
He drifted back to his childhood beliefs and experiences. He was sure there was no God; it didn't make sense that his parents were brutally murdered in front of him. Why would God allow this to happen? How could people believe unseen forces guide them when their lives go from one disaster to another? And if each country has its own religions and beliefs, who was right? He thought about his wife, Abani, who was deeply spiritual. Her beliefs were pure and simple, without religion, bypassing the need for a human form of God. Amarr was quiet now, his head too full of questions and anger to go any further, when the phone rang.
"Amarr is that you?"
"Basil? How are you doing?"
"Actually, I'm doing incredibly well. I'm still walking! I don't know if it's a spell or just a remission, but I'm enjoying it. I am also calling to speak to you. Are you alone?"
"Yes Basil, I'm the only one here right now. What is it?"
"You and I both understand the purpose for this white room experiment, correct?"
"To prove God doesn't exist, yes, I was just thinking about it. Meyer is dedicated to proving this to the world."
"Meyer is about to unleash another set of advanced pharmaceuticals. Big dangerous stuff. Once it gets out, every activist and protester will be upon all the labs, I'm sure. This experiment with Maggie must not fail, agreed?"
Amarr chose his words carefully. "Yes, agreed. You know we have the highest standards here and will ensure nothing is left to chance..."
"Yes Amarr, I'm aware. But I'm not calling you to make sure you follow Meyer's rhetoric. I'm calling because I believe, out of all the people that look after the child, you are the one that possibly has an opposing view of what may be happening."
"Oh Mr. Goldstein, I am not able to converse about these things...."
"Amarr Jammal! Use your senses man! This is a human life that appears to be turning out the opposite of what Meyer wanted. What happened to me yesterday was no mistake. It was real and it happened for a reason. I've been up all night questioning why and how. I know you have too. This conversation stays with you and me. Can I have your word on this, Amarr Jammal?"
Amarr hesitated, as he knew Basil was Meyer's best friend, but his heart was screaming at him, beating through his chest, demanding honesty and the courage to do the right thing. "Yes, between only you and I."
"Good. I'm concerned about her parents, her blood parents. Has she ever said anything about them?"
"No, but I'm staring at the file. Why would you ask this?"
"Because I had a vision, I know, it's not something either of us want to hear right now, or are even capable of understanding it, but I believe her parents are aware of her."
"Oh Mr. Goldstein it's highly unlikely. We have never said anything to Maggie and the parents gave their eggs and sperm through proper channels of release, so they would never know. Enough time has passed that there's no reason to look for her. We do not divulge that information to anyone, especially in this case. Most people that give to a donation bank realize their products will be used." Amarr sensed the space in between the conversation was not good.
"Are you sure Amarr? Could those parents actually be connected? I dreamt of two people, young and married, looking for Maggie. I'm not good with details as I still don't know how to explain it, but the feeling was and still is overwhelming for me. While I appreciate the newly acquired health, I feel deeply that this issue should not be laid to rest. In fact, I'm making it my quest. I don't know how long I have. This remission may be over after this conversation, or it may last until I die, but I'm old, and want to leave something of value after I'm gone. Giving away all my money isn't the answer. This is the answer, getting a child and her parents together. That is a worthy plight."
"What is it you want me to do?" asked Amarr.
"I know you know who the parents are but I don't want it to look as though you're involved. What you and I need to do is convince Meyer to release her early. She is not attached to speaking about God at this point, so why not expose her to the world now? Meyer can have his experiment, successful as it is, and Maggie can have her parents and some form of a normal life."
"Are you asking me to look up the parents and see if they are together? And then, if they want to see the child they created? That's too much of a professional stretch for me Basil."
"This is going to sound crazy, but I think they will come to you. Somehow, they will find their way to the lab. And if I'm just some wacko old fool, then the least we should do is research the parents and prove me wrong. If that's not an option, why not release Maggie to the world now and let her stay in the lab until she's sixteen. Before she shows us any more of her so-called talents."
Amarr was between a rock and a hard place. No one really knew Maggie's full capacity, not even Maggie. He agonized over the consequences if they expose her early. How could they turn Maggie's release into Meyer's idea? He thought about Anna's disappearance, and how Janet was incapable of dealing with Maggie. Maybe the time was perfect to work on Meyer.
"Yes, I see what you are saying. It might be advantageous to release her sooner. I am not sure her life here will have any meaning in the next nine years sitting in a lab. She is withdrawn and quiet, and Janet is not doing a good job. Yes, let's talk about this more, and see if we can come up with convincing arguments to Mr. Meyer. You are his best friend and have more influence than I do."
"But your science will back me up Amarr. Think long and hard, take in what happened yesterday as a sign that this child may not be appropriate for Meyer's future plans."
"I have been considering this. There are little things that happen in this lab that have me curious. I can't put the right words to them, but I feel it. When Anna was around, the child seemed to experience things no one could explain. Do you know about the dog?"
"Yes, and there was much talk about it. Meyer did know, but he has other things to deal with so thankfully it was dismissed. He still keeps one eye open for the traitor that allowed the dog in, just so you know."
"Basil, let's continue this conversation, but it will have to be in the evenings from my home. Maggie and Janet are returning from their walk, and I must attend to things here."
"Call me later this week Amarr. Think about our conversation. I don't believe I will change my mind. You have my number on file."
"Yes. Thank you Basil. We will be in touch."
Amarr hung up the phone just as Janet and Maggie entered the front doors. They took off their boots and Maggie came running in and gave Amarr a big hug. She looked up at him, and as she left, she turned and said, "Thank you."
Amarr's head was spinning on the drive home that evening. He could not find a logical explanation for any of it. He was a man of science, someone capable of decoding the visible. But this was beyond his talents. He didn't even know where to begin. He pulled into the driveway and opened the front door to his young boys busily arranging the table for dinner. Everyone said hello and he organized himself and walked to the table. It was a meal like all the others, rich in spices and flavors, with mostly vegetable dishes and one meat dish for the men. The boys cleared the table after and went to do homework.
"You have come home a different person again. Tell me, what is behind this new man in my house?"
"There is something wrong with the experiment."
"Of course there is. First, you use a human in an experiment. Why would you do that?"
"She is well looked after. All her needs are met."
"And you know this how? How are all her needs met, when you cannot see all those needs?"
"Wife, you chastise me so. I only have a small part in this. I do not and cannot make daily decisions. That is left to the doctor and the caregivers."
Abani walked over to where Amarr was sitting, and knelt down in front of him, taking his hands. "You are a man of science, and the very best there is. But you are feeling things now, things that cannot be seen under a microscope. I have watched you change over the last few months, and I know you have questions that your science cannot answer. You will continue to be tormented until you let it all go. No more analyzing. Just let it be."
"You want me to believe in God? Is that what you're saying? You want me to forgive after what I went through?"
"I want you to find your own way through the anger. I want you to find your version of the truth. If God means old men in robes then let that go too. What you seek is not outside of you. It is here," and she put her hand on his heart. "You, the real you, lives here. All that you are and all you will be is inside of you. Science seeks to discover the tangible parts of Earth and the Universe. But the person you are being is not out there, nor can it be measured or studied. Surrender and find your way, because it is consuming you. The seed was planted the day you created Maggie. Now that seed is waking up, and you must rise with it. I don't want to lose the caring and gentle man that dwells within."
"I don't know how to surrender. I don't want to deceive my parents. If I let it go, that would be the same as saying what happened was okay. How can I do that to them? They gave me life! They gave me a childhood few children in India are privy to. How can I go against them now?"
"Forgiveness is not the act of stating that those that committed the crime are off the hook. It does not mean you set them free. It means you set yourself free from carrying it around for the rest of your life."
"But those men need to pay for what they did! If I let it go, they are free."
"Oh my dear husband, it does not work that way. Those men have taken up permanent residence in your head, and all the hate in the world won't change who they are. Karma is very real, but it does not sway to your demand. It is attached to the individual alone, and all the hatred you hold will have no effect on their outcome."
"But I can't see it. I can't see how it will work." The tears began to flow down his cheeks as he cried quietly. He did not want the boys to hear.
"It may look that way, I realize. But how do you know that, what you see, is all there is?"
Amarr pulled Abani up into his lap and held her tight. He let the tears flow, allowing his sons to see their father cry. The two boys walked out of their rooms, and a collective of supportive arms enveloped Amarr.
"Papa, we are here for you. You are not alone."
Amarr broke down into sobbing fits, trying to breathe and hold his family, while thirty years of pain and self-torture drained out and down into the Earth, healing and absorbing the negativity for all time.
April K. Reeves, Author. Copyright 2004 All Rights Reserved. Visit us on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/April-K-Reeves/390530011143987?fref=ts or our website: https://aprilkreevesauthor.wordpress.com/