"Babe stop pacing." Chaewon called for what had to be the fifth time in the past twenty minutes. Yunjin couldn't help it though, she felt- well she wasn't sure how she felt. Hana, Sakura, and Kazuha were already getting acquainted in the dining room while Chaewon's dad cooked with Eunchae and her Mom entertained the babies. Everyone was here, well everyone except one person.
She was already nearly an hour late, was she just not going to come? Did something happen? Yunjin should call her. She should- Two arms stopped her, hands gripping onto either side of her face. "Relax."
She took a deep breath. Trying to will herself to relax. She was okay. Everything was going great so far. Eunchae was really getting along well with Chaewon's parents, especially her dad. She woke up to the two of them dancing to the baby shark song in the living room while Chaewon's mother watched and recorded it on her phone. As nice as it was to see Eunchae start to bond with them, Yunjin wasn't sure her mental well being could withstand Eunchae's newfound love for baby shark. She found herself being at ease with the two of them all morning, chatting about Chaewon's love for Disney movies and how Boo was her baby for the majority of the morning.
This was going to be fine. This was okay.
Knock knock knock.
THIS WAS NOT GOING TO BE FINE. THIS WAS NOT OKAY.
As if sensing her internal panic, Chaewon rubbed her finger on her face before breaking off, grasping their hands together as Yunjin opened the door. Just like her father, she still looked the same. Sure she was a bit older, and she now had some white hair and wrinkles. But there she was. "Hi."
"Hi."
"Do you want to come in?" Yunjin stepped aside and her mother walked in. She gripped Chaewon's hand a bit tighter. She watched her Mother's eyes narrow as she looked around, taking in the place.
"It's..cozy." A thinly veiled smile spread across her lips. It's small. That's what she meant. Yunjin guessed that was fair, Chaewon had given up the lease on her apartment last week when she finally convinced Yunjin to start house hunting with her. The house across the street from Kyujin was really calling her name, and even better it was being foreclosed. The previous owners just stopped paying, which worked out perfectly for her because that meant it would be cheap. Still, she liked her current apartment. Sure it was a bit on the smaller size, and having everyone over was a bit of a squeeze however it still got the job done.
"This is Chaewon, my fiancé." Fiancé. That word almost felt surreal. Her mother just offered a small bow of acknowledgment. Chaewon frowned, but she was just shy too. That was at least as Yunjin told herself.
.
Dinner was delicious. Chaewon's father was definitely where she got her cooking skills from. Him (and Eunchae, though she really did nothing) made a wide spread of side dishes and food, even homemade strawberry milk. It was honestly amazing, and despite the one mishap of Yunjin trying to feed a strawberry slice to the babies and everyone yelling at her all at once they were having a great time.
"We used to go on walks as a family when we first moved here," Hana laughed, brushing tears out of her eyes as she tried to finish the story, "And so Chaewon and I would play rock, paper, scissors. She would walk backwards and I would walk forwards, but one day she fell off a small cliff. And I thought she died, so I got to the side of the cliff and call out, ' Chaewon?' No answer. I try again. The third time, emerging for the depths below is nine year old Chaewon's voice, ' YOU BITCH YOU BETTER HOPE I NEVER GET UP THERE!'"
" I did not swear!"
"Yes you did!" Chaewon's mom laughed along, "That was the first time I ever heard you yell and it was so hilarious."
"Back when Yunjin and I lived together, one morning I woke up to all the smoke alarms going off in the house." Sakura cut in, a smirk on her lips, "I go into the kitchen, and there is just smoke everywhere and Sakura, trying to fan it out. I turn the microwave off and grab these charred squares out. Yunjin tried to microwave pizza rolls for sixty minutes because she misread the packaging."
"I take it Chaewon is the one that cooks." Chaewon's dad laughed.
"I try-"
"Yes dad, I cook. She's ruined our kitchen twice."
"Speaking of kitchens," Kazuha cut in, "I got the number to our realtor if you want to use her."
"You're buying a house?" Hana asked
"We're thinking about it-"
"Yes! We are!"
"After the wedding." Yunjin sighed, reaching over to place more meat on Eunchae's plate. If she ever wanted to be taller than Kyujin she was going to have to eat a lot more veggies.
"When do you guys plan on having the wedding?" Hana asked, "I'll need to plan ahead and clear my schedule for that day."
"Soon? Next month maybe?"
"NEXT MONTH?" Yunjin almost choked on her drink. Sure she knew they were actually going to have to have a wedding but so soon. They hadn't even discussed any of the details, they needed a venue, and dresses, and food, and a cake, maybe an ice cream cake cause Yunjin didn't like cake, and-
"Yunjin was the maid of honor at my wedding." Sakura giggled, "You guys should have seen her, wearing this dusty pink dress and frowning the entire night. Half way through she changed into a pair of sweatpants and sneakers."
The room erupted in laughter- it was just so Yunjin. She could feel her face starting to turn red, yet she laughed along. Suzy smiled, "I guess we're just going to have to get you a pair of white sweatpants for your big day."
"Mom! Don't! She'll actually try that!"
"Hey, if it what the brides wants-"
"I'm the bride too, and I don't want that." Chaewon pouted.
"What do you think Mrs.Huh," Suzy motioned to her mother.
She just shrugged, a look of indifference adorning her face, "Whatever Yunjin wants to do is up to her. I won't be at the wedding, so I don't care."
"You're not going to be at the wedding?" Chaewon's mother's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. So did everyone's. Yunjin could hear Sakura grumbling under her breath right next to her, she could really blame her; this was news to her as well.
"No. I have no intention of going to something like that. "
The table fell silent. Even Eunchae was quiet, and Yunjin wasn't even sure if she knew what was going on. That stung a bit. She wasn't even sure why she was expecting her mother to want to come, this was the first time she was hearing about this. She probably just needed to think about it. Plus she was sick, she needed to rest. It'd be too much. It was just because she was sick.
Right?
She hoped so.
She really did.
But when the silence got too thick and her mother just stood up and grabbed her purse, Yunjin watched her walk out. And suddenly Yunjin was sixteen years old again, sobbing to Jessica Jung because her mother caught her kissing Kim Jisoo. She hated it.
Not this time. This time, Yunjin wasn't going to be left behind.
She stood up as well, brushing past worried faces as she rushed into the living room.
"Why are you leaving?" Yunjin grasped onto her mother's arm as she made her way down the hall. Her fingers gripping into the flesh, trying to tether her to herself. "We haven't even had dessert yet."
" I need to go. " There was something cold and uncaring in her mother's tone that unsettled Yunjin.
She tried to step in front of her, still holding onto her arm, "Wait, wait, don't go yet."
" Why not?"
"What do you mean why not?" Yunjin squinted at her. What did she mean? How could she just leave, especially right now, Chaewon and her parents were waiting in the other room and all she had done all night was be rude. "My fiancé and her parents are in the other room."
Her mother just reached around her and grabbed her dark grey peacoat, slipping it on in one smooth motion, "I don't care about meeting those people."
"You don't?"
She shook her head, crossing her arms.
"Why?" Yunjin's tone was starting to rise, she could feel her temper starting to rise. "Then why would you come!"
"I need you to get tested."
Six words is all it took to critically wound Yunjin. They hit her in her gut, impaling themselves and twisted, leaving her writhing in pain. She didn't care. She didn't care about Yunjin, she didn't care about reconnecting, she didn't care about Chaewon or Eunchae, she didn't care about her job. She wanted something from her. Yunjin would only ever be valuable to her when she had something she wanted. "What?" She really hoped it wasn't true. "You don't mean that. Is that really all you want?"
"Yes." Her mother sighed, glancing back in the direction of the kitchen where she knew everyone was inevitably listening to their conversation. Yunjin wouldn't put it past her to purposely speak in English so Chaewon's parents couldn't understand to save face. "Yunjin, you live a life of sin and don't even seem sorry for it. You may be going to hell but you won't be bringing me with you."
"Then why did you come back?"
"Do you really think I wanted to leave you? Why can't you just be normal?" Her mother asked, "You choose to be like this, everything that has happened to you is your fault. I want to help you Yunjin, but I don't think I can."
"Do you have any idea what I've been through because of you, Mom? Do you not understand what I've been through? I was homeless because of you, I was starving because of you, I slept on park benches and stole, and did way worse things than that just to survive!" Yunjin's tone just kept getting louder, angry tears starting to spill down her cheeks as she flung her arms around. She caught a glimpse of the Kim's in the corner of her eye, Chaewon's mother and father standing in shock as they watched the exchange, Hana holding an upset looking Eunchae, and Chaewon, Sakura, and Kazuha glaring at the situation no doubt ready to step in. "I've been so hurt for so long, and it's all your fault. All I've ever wanted from you was a phone call, or one of those stupid christmas letters I know you and Dad still make. That's it! I really needed you, and you were never there!"
Momentarily her mother's expression softened, trailing her as Yunjin started to make her way deeper into the living room, reaching out to hold onto her as Yunjin desperately swatted her arms away. "Yunjin-"
"Why now! Why when I finally got my life together you come crawling back to me cause you need me! What about when I needed you!" Yunjin was yelling now, and she didn't care. Her voice cracked and trembled as she tried to angrily wipe away tears and distance herself from her mother. "Why!"
"Yunjin you need to calm down." She reached out to her, which Yunjin desperately pushed back at. She kept trying to grasp her, as Yunjin sobbed and tried to kick her off. It was messy, it was loud. "You're being too emotional."
"I begged you to take me back. I cried and I begged, when I was a child, when she died. And you turned me away. When I was suffering, you ignored me. And you want me to help you!"
"Yunjin-"
"Get off of me!" Yunjin screamed, thrashing her arms, backing up until she finally freed herself, the moment of which made her stumble back and crash into the tree. The poor Christmas tree came tumbling down, landing on the floor with a loud crash. "How dare you! How- I hate you!" She got up, reaching out and swiping the stupid Christmas decorations stacked up near the base of the tree. She wasn't even sure what she was saying anymore, just screaming and covering her face as she tried to get a grip on herself. She grabbed one of the mini Christmas trees that Chaewon had so carefully put up off the mantel and threw it, the base of it shattering as soon as it hit the wall.
It was funny, Yunjin had been shot before but this still felt like some of the worse pain she had experienced. Years and years of hoping and wishing and begging, and this is what she got. She vaguely registered someone stepping between them, either Chaewon or Hana, as Yunjin started screaming again, "Get out of my house! I never want to see you again!"
She couldn't breathe. Her chest felt tight and constricted as she clutched onto the front of her shirt, she needed to breath. Turning on her heel she stomped to her bedroom, slamming it shut and locking it. She looked around, eyeing the god awful vanity that Chaewon brought from her old place. With trembling hands, she started pulling it, and by some miracle managed to wedge it in front of the door. She could hear pounding on the door and the door knob rattle. Chaewon's voice flooded through the door, "Yunjin! Yunjin please open the door!"
"Please go away Chaewon." Yunjin pleaded, lowering herself down onto the floor her legs not being able to support her anymore. "I can't breathe! I need to breathe! I'm suffocating!"
"Yunjin please-"
"Don't come in! Just make that bitch leave! I never want to see her again!"
She heard a small commotion outside the door, and finally the front door open and close. Stupid. She was so stupid. Why would she think she wanted to have her back in her life. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. She dug her face into her hands, trying to will herself to calm down. She could hear the tree being propped back up, decorations being put back into their place. And then the sound of Christmas movies started playing. They were giving Yunjin the space she asked for.
It took an hour, but Yunjin eventually moved the furniture out of the way, opening the door and walking into the hall. With slow steps she walked into the livingroom and saw seven pairs of eyes staring back at her. They didn't leave. It was Chaewon's mom that moved first, grabbing a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders and pushed her into the living room. The signs of her breakdown were gone, and no one commented on it. Maybe they just didn't know what to say, maybe they knew she was one syllable away from shattering into a million tiny pieces. Either way she appreciated it.
While it may have not been the best Christmas Eve ever, it did teach Yunjin two lessons. You can't try to cling onto people who just don't want you. And two.
Yunjin didn't have to run from her past anymore. She had a future to look forward to. And maybe she was finally ready to let go and embrace that.