Yunjin had never been angry with Eunchae, annoyed, sure, but angry. Never. But here she was, practically seething as she watched the child unaware of her presence flip through Eunha's scrapbook. Putting salt into an already open wound accidentally that had Yunjin trying to calm herself down and not lash out like she so desperately wanted to. Eunchae didn't deserve all the words that jammed in Yunjin's throat, a scolding for the ages for touching that. It was really Yunjin's fault, she never established what Eunchae could and couldn't touch in the house, and the child wouldn't know what she found. That thought kept Yunjin in control, kept her relatively calm.
That damned scrapbook, the maroon one she insisted on putting together. Now it was slightly torn on the binding, the multicolor pages old and stiff as Eunchae gently flipped through them focusing on the pictures of a much younger, much happier Yunjin running around and posing for the camera. A time capsule of some of their happiest moments. Sometimes Yunjin thinks Eunha was planning it from back then, this scrapbook an apology and a farewell gift, sometimes she thinks she made it just to spite her, remind her of her failures. Eunchae had her maroon and white university jacket, the one with KOREA UNIVERSITY and nursing embroidered into the back, draped over her acting much more like a blanket than a coat. Some of their old letters were carefully removed from the box as well, meticulously in small stacks showing Eunchae took great care with handling them. An old CD that Eunha had made as a mixtape for her, illegally downloading music and burned it onto a two-dollar blank CD.
Tracing a hand over the images softly, Eunchae looked absorbed into the book, looking at it with a fascination. Yunjin had hidden that box a long time ago, deep back in her closet, not ready to give it up but also not read to throw it away. She felt the defenses she had so meticulously built up start to sound an alarm, telling her to stop this, "What are you doing?"
Eunchae looked up, just now noticing her presence, "Look what I found! Is that you?"
"Why are you touching this?"
"I-I just thought-" Eunchae's tone flattened, her head lowering in shame. That was enough to catapult Yunjin back into the real world, not the parade of self-pity she loved to live in whenever she saw this stuff. She let out a sigh, dropping to her knees starting to pick up the letters.
"It's okay. Just please don't touch this again." Yunjin tried to keep her tone light, swallowing whatever anger screamed to be let out and lash out on the child. Eunchae didn't deserve that. "This is important to me."
"Okay." Eunchae closed the book and shrugged off the jacket, offering it to her. Yunjin took it and gently placed it into the box. "Who is that?"
"My friend."
"Like Chaewon?"
"Yeah, like Chaewon."
"She's pretty." Eunchae mused, opening the closet door for Yunjin as the woman closed the box and stood up.
"She was." Yunjin agreed, placing it into the back of the closet. She closed the closet door, taking a shaky breath as she tried to calm herself down. This was their last night, she didn't want to say or do anything she might regret. Eunchae deserved to have one last good memory.
"When is Chaewon coming back?" Eunchae asked for what Yunjin swore to be the fiftieth time that week. She was missing Chaewon bad, it was easy to tell. And honestly, Yunjin was as well.
"I don't know."
"Is she mad at me?" Eunchae asked, sounding small and nervous like she had been thinking about this for a while.
"Why would she be?"
"Because I got sick when you two were supposed to hang out together. One time Yeri came over and stole all Kyujin's attention and I got mad."
This wasn't a one-off comment. Eunchae has been consistently begging for Chaewon for the past week, and Yunjin kind of felt selfish from keeping the two apart. Especially when Chaewon texted her asking how Eunchae was feeling, and she never responded. Yunjin bit her lip and sighed, "Give me a minute."
Twenty minutes later, Chaewon was standing outside of her apartment, bag of food in one hand, a box of juice pouches in the other, and an expression that Yunjin just couldn't read. Yunjin didn't even get a chance to say hi before Eunchae was running as fast as she could to her, wrapping her arms around the woman's legs burying her face in her thigh. "Chaewonnie!"
"Hi, Eunchae!"
"I missed you," Eunchae hummed raising her arms like she wanted to be picked up, and Chaewon looking comically torn because both her hands were full. Yunjin quickly took the bags from Chaewon's hands, and the lawyer wasted no time picking the kid up.
"I missed you too, Detective Penguin." That was a new nickname. But apparently Eunchae adored it, giggling happily as Chaewon leaned in to press a kiss on her forehead, "I brought you dinner, fries and chicken tenders!"
"Really?"
"Wait-" Yunjin was not about to let the absolute mess of her kitchen go to waste because of some chicken tenders. She had cooked three grilled cheeses successfully, burning two that later met their end in the trash, and she was not about to be one-upped by Chaewon buying food. This was Eunchae's last day, she was going to make it special.
"Of course. Are you hungry?" Chaewon hummed, taking the bag from Yunjin placing it on the table and opened it up.
Yunjin knew right then and there Chaewon had won.
Nodding quickly, Eunchae took her seat and waited patiently for Yunjin and Chaewon to do the same. Chaewon wouldn't even look at her. Yunjin supposes that was fair, she hadn't been the nicest to Chaewon. It still stung a bit, it probably stung a whole lot more for Chaewon. They both could feel the tension at the table, so thick they could cut it with a knife. Eunchae didn't seem to care, munching away happily at the food. "So Eunchae did you pack yet?"
Fuck. Chaewon, you idiot. Yunjin whipped her head to look across at her, silently cursing her out as realization dawned over her. Yunjin hadn't told Eunchae yet. Yunjin had no excuse but her own selfishness, not knowing what to do or say to the child about the matter. Eunchae looked confused as well as Yunjin took a deep breath, "Eunchae, remember when I told you, you were just going to stay here until your home was ready?"
Eunchae nodded.
"You're going to go with Sakura tomorrow." Yunjin gritted out, the very words coming out of her own mouth felt like sandpaper.
"Why?"
"Because she can take care of you."
"But you do too-"
"I know baby, but it's for the best."
"I want to stay here! With you!" Eunchae sounded frustrated like Yunjin wasn't listening to her. Yunjin was listening, she heard her loud and clear. Eunchae looked upset, eyes flittering between Yunjin and Chaewon as they both refused to make eye contact with the kid. "Please, I'll be good."
"I'm sorry Eunchae, I can't help you this time." Yunjin ducked her head, posture starting to curl in on herself, a small sign of vulnerability that she never showed the younger. It was unnerving, to see this big strong woman that Eunchae had learned to idolize look so small and sad. Eunchae had learned a long time ago when she needed to be quiet, this was one of those instances. Still, so many unspoke questions flittered around and weighed her down.
"How about we have the best night ever then?" Chaewon suggested, trying to find some sort of positive even if there was none. Chaewon wasn't stupid, she could see how much they both didn't want this. But she kept her mouth shut, if only just for now. Eunchae slowly nodded in agreement, both of them watching as Yunjin nodded along as well.
Chaewon was good at making the best out of bad situations. She had Eunchae laughing and squealing as they gathered all the blankets in the house, racing around to see who could find more. Yunjin won. She set up a small fort in the living room, grabbing Yunjin's laptop and turning on some Disney movie that Eunchae would like as they laid in there, each on either side of Eunchae. If either of them starting to dwell on it too much, she would gently coax their attention somewhere else, somewhere happier. It was nice playing house one last time.
Eunchae was practically attached to Yunjin the entire night, refusing to get out of her lap or not hold her hand. And Yunjin was glad for that because honestly, she felt the same. Yunjin laid there, arm gently laid over her as Chaewon did the same. It felt nice, giving her kisses on the cheeks as Eunchae smiled and laughed being sure to return the favor. Yunjin didn't sleep at all that night, watching as Eunchae slept.
"I'm sorry for not responding to you," Yunjin spoke up after she was sure Eunchae was out, "I've had a lot on my mind."
"I know." Chaewon hummed, laying her head on her own arm, "Honestly I was upset. But I kind of realized that's how you are, you're afraid to let people get close to you-"
"I'm not-"
"You are, it's okay. I just wished you could trust me though, we are partners after all."
"Are we?"
"I like to consider us that. I wouldn't be here as often as I am if I didn't. When you're ready I want to hear what's eating you up inside, but until then I'll leave it alone. But, I won't stand for you clamming up, pushing me off, and then trying to forget I exist. I think I deserve more respect than that."
Chaewon was right. Yunjin knew that. Maybe she just didn't have enough energy to try and fight it, or maybe she was so sick and tired of trying to keep every single thought to herself but she found herself humming in agreement. They didn't say anything after that, both just watching Eunchae sleep.
***
Chaewon had to leave the next morning, it was clear she didn't want to, but it was important. Something to do with one of her clients, but she still made sure to help pack Eunchae's things into a backpack and made sure to give her a big hug, whispering something in her ear that seemed to relax the youngest.
They were both quiet on the way to Sakura's, the heavy sense of dread filling up the car and their bodies as they walked up to their apartment. Eunchae's grip on her hand nearing painful, as they both tried to put on a brave face for the other. Yunjin hoped the door wouldn't open, that Sakura would just forget and she could take Eunchae back home and that would be the end of it. But the door opened and Sakura and Kazuha were both smiling excitedly, greeting them both.
This was it. Yunjin crouched down to give the child a hug, squatting so Eunchae could wrap her tiny arms around her. She felt her eyes sting, trying to blink away tears that insisted on filling her eyes. Eunchae was a bit more expressive, openly crying as she dug her face into Yunjin's shoulder. This was for the best. Eunchae deserved this. Sakura deserved this. Yunjin couldn't fail her this way, this way Eunchae would be taken care of. This wasn't about her, this was about them. They would be happy, they would be safe and cared for, and everything Yunjin couldn't provide.
"It's okay, don't cry." Yunjin cooed, reaching up to hug her, letting her hands just hold her close for one last time. Eunchae sniffled and tried to control herself, gripping onto Yunjin's shoulders not yet daring to let go. It felt raw and intimate. Neither of them saw the expression that Sakura had as she watched, wide-eyed and guilty. After a few minutes, Eunchae let go and Yunjin stood up, ruffling her hair one last time before taking the backpack off of her shoulder and handed it to Sakura. They both pretended they didn't notice Yunjin's trembling hands. Yunjin watched as Eunchae hesitantly took Kazuha's hand, she sent her a smile, "I'll see you later alligator."
"Bye Yunjinnie, I love you."
For the first time, Yunjin responded, "I love you too."
Time seemed to move funny in these instances, she just watched as Kazuha picked Eunchae up and brought her into the house. Watched as Sakura caught her eyes with something she couldn't understand, eyes darting from Eunchae back to Yunjin before she ducked her head and entered the house. Yunjin preferred it that way if Sakura had said anything to her she probably would break down right then and there. She doesn't remember getting home, walking into the now incredibly lonely apartment, doesn't remember how she got to sit on the floor back leaning against her bed. The door to her closet was cracked open, the brown cardboard box calling to her. So for the first time in years, she caved.
Taking out the box, she sat it next to her, reaching into grasp the jacket, running her finger on the name stitched into the sleeve. It still smelt like her, like that two-dollar body spray she bought while they were shopping. Slowly Yunjin slid it on, letting the slightly oversized fabric swallow her. Next, she reached in and grabbed the scrapbook, opening it up being greeted by a twenty-year-old, freshly employed beat cop Yunjin, dressed in her blue uniform smiling widely at the camera. Eunha was next to her, a hand wrapped around her waist as she held the other one up in a v-sign. Written under was her handwriting, the one that Yunjin missed so dearly, first day of senior year. There was another picture of the page, Yunjin and Sakura, who back then was a rank higher than her. The next page was from their first trip to the zoo, and their first time meeting Kazuha, filled with Kazuha trying to imitate the giraffes and Sakura laughing hysterically. A few more pages, Kazuha and Sakura's wedding, both of them looked gorgeous even if Kazuha was pouty about having long hair per request of her mother. That page was filled with pictures, Yunjin's favorite had always been the one where Eunha was smiling at the camera and Yunjin was staring at her, completely in love. More pages, more pictures. The one that always made Yunjin's skin crawl was the one of the two of them at a Christmas tree lighting, Yunjin pouting because she was cold, Eunha forcing a smile. That was three days before the worst day in Yunjin's life. There were no more pictures after that, just empty pages.
Looking back into the box were a few letters, a few love notes and the one Yunjin had only touched once, and the ultrasound picture that Sakura had given her. Yunjin picked that one up as well, letting her finger trace the gentle outline of the picture. That was entirely her fault. Sakura was pregnant, she shouldn't have been chasing him. Sometimes Yunjin still sees it, how she's putting the handcuffs on one of them, the other trying to sprint up the stairs. She could have chased after him, just gave up on the one under her. But she saw Sakura run after him, and she said nothing. Then she watched her tumbled down the stairs violently as he pushed her. Yunjin could have stopped it. Yunjin could have stopped her.
Yunjin could have stopped Eunha, she knew something was wrong but she still went to work anyways. She could have stopped her, she could have saved her. But she didn't. And now Yunjin sleeps alone with a hole in her heart. She knew she deserved the pain she felt, that she deserved every bad thing that happened to her because she failed the ones she loved. She felt it bubbling up in her throat, ripping out as a choked sob, holding the ultrasound to her chest as she leaned over. It didn't stop but just got louder and more violent.
It took a minute to even register that two arms have wrapped around her, pulling her into their chest. She looked up to see an apologetic Chaewon grimacing back at her, now kneeling next to her. An unopened six-pack of beer discarded on the floor near her feet. Chaewon didn't say anything, just held her as she cried.
Even that felt like more than she deserved.