Crown prince pov
I had just emerged back onto the palace quarters when the patter of small feet broke my reverie. I turned to see, Prince Janghyun, trotting eagerly down the hall, a wide grin on his face.
"Hyung-nim!" Janghyun greeted me happily, skidding to a halt at my side. I could not help but chuckle, reaching down to affectionately ruffle his hair.
"Hello, how are you?" I asked with a smile. " You seem in fine form today," I added as he looked up from his bow. "Have you been keeping out of mischief under Lady Han-bin's watchful eye?"
Janghyun nodded emphatically, puffing out his small chest with importance. "Yes! She said I could visit Jeohna. She brought me just now to say hello before my lessons." His eyes shone with joy and contentment.
My heart smiled to see the positive change in him since moving households. "Ah, what a thoughtful, filial son the king is blessed with," I praised warmly. " It seems Lady Han-bin has succeeded in brushing the dust off your mundane days!"
"Yes!" Janghyun declared. His bright smile and clear eyes were evidence enough that the change of environment had been beneficial. We fell easily into brotherly conversation, and my heart much lightened. For a moment taking in a subtle moment to relax.
Janghyun grinned up at me, bouncing a little on his toes. However, like most things in the palace, our cordial moment was shattered by the sharp call of his name. I grimaced, instantly on guard as the shrill tones of Lady Jeongsun assaulted my ears.
"Janghyun-ah! Where have you been." She stated walking closer together toward us. " Do you not miss your mother?" She added. I sensed Janghyun tense behind me at the sound of his mother. It was a sad sight to witness in itself how vulnerable he seemed.
My own back straightened defensively as Lady Jeongsun strode into view, sparing me the briefest insincere bow before focusing on the boy.
Not wishing to expose my vulnerable brother to her vitriol, I subtly signaled for the guards.
"Escort the young prince to my the queen dowager. I'm sure Lady Han Bin can get him from there," I murmured. With brisk efficiency they whisked Janghyun away, his gaze lingering worriedly on me till he disappeared.
Lady Jeongsun made to follow, but I barred her way. "The Queen Dowager will see to him," I informed her. "Surely even you would not dare override her wishes?"
Over her shoulder I spotted the queen dowager approaching palanquin, Lady Jeongsun bristled but could not refute my words.
Lady Jeongsun seemed to leave for a moment. I was getting ready to begin my walk when I was jarred from my reverie once again when a figure abruptly materialized from the shadows ahead. I stifled a vexed oath, instantly on guard once again.
This wing was little trafficked at such an hour. For one to deliberately waylay me here betokened ill motives, however, it was the same person as before.
" I'd think my eldest would be more kind," purred the silken tones of Lady Jeongsun. I sighed turning around. " You didn't leave?" I asked her.
She raised a brow as she looked over me."We keep crossing paths in these hidden byways instead of more seemly locations."
" I thought all was situated earlier." I halted a familiar distaste curdling in my chest. "To what do I owe this diverting encounter, my lady?" I inclined my head by rote, ignoring her jibe.
Lady Jeongsun toyed lazily with her bejeweled sleeve. "You always were so cold! One might think you not pleased to see me."
When I remained stonily silent, she heaved a dramatic sigh. "Come now, must we perpetually dance about each other so? I merely wondered about young Prince Janghyun's health. I rarely get a glimpse of the boy since you secreted him off to Lady Han-bin's residence."
I bristled at her wheedling tone, designed to play on my sympathies. As if she knew the meaning of maternal care.
"The King rightly deemed it best Prince Janghyun reside away from your household for the present time," I bit out. "After bearing witness to your mistreatment of the child."
Lady Jeongsun's eyes flashed with anger, though her smile remained locked in place.
"And I suppose you had no part in such an edict separating a loving mother from her son?" she purred, though her words held a knife's razor's edge. "Perhaps you find my Janghyun's gifts and popularity...threatening." Her smile turned cunning. "Future kings have been overthrown by talented younger brothers before. Or you fear that you'd lose Neeria to Seongyeon so you want things harder on me as well.
My jaw tightened against the urge to retaliate suddenly. I was tired as it was. "I would not see my brother's spirit slowly distorted and starved under your malignant influence. He deserves better than you as a model for development."
Turning before she could utter further poison, I continued on my way. My heart remained disquieted long after leaving Lady Jeongsun behind to nurse her wrath however her insistence continued.
As I resumed my swift departure, Lady Jeongsun's silken skirts whispered behind me as she rushed forward in pursuit.
"Your Highness, I beseech you - do not paint me as a monster from baseless gossip alone, I can help you. I may be your only option to protect what you love." she implored with convincing wounded eyes. As she raised clasped hands, the taut pose of supplication exposed an angry red welt marring one delicate wrist.
I halted, scrutinizing the revealed injury. Lady Jeongsun hastily concealed her hand within billowing silk sleeves. But the furtive movement only deepened my mistrust of her little performance.
"What maternal affection you once fraudulently claimed has faded," I pronounced coldly. "By the King's command, Prince Janghyun shall remain shielded in his current household, well away from your vicious designs. As for Neeria. For your sake and mine, you don't want to see what I'd do if I hear you speak her name again."
I pivoted sideways to avoid presenting my undefended back, offering the most cursory of bows. "Good evening, Lady Jeongsun. We have nothing further to discuss."
I hastened onward before she could unleash the tirade undoubtedly brewing behind her composed painted mask. The sound of my footsteps reverberated down the silent palace corridors as I hurried back to Neeria's chambers. I needed to assure myself that she still clung to life rather than wasting time with Lady Jeongsun.
Rounding the corner, I came upon Lady Jinsun standing guard outside the room, her face drawn with fatigue yet presiding well in her vigil. At my approach, she bowed and stepped aside, allowing me entry.
I paused in the doorway, taking in the sight of Neeria's motionless form. Kneeling beside her, I tenderly clasped her hand in mine. Her skin felt feverish to the touch.
"She still clings to life, but only by the slenderest of threads," came Lady Jinsun's solemn voice behind me. "The physician is at a loss, uncertain if his remedies will take hold."
I nodded grimly, the knot in my stomach tightening. I could not voice the fear that I might lose Neeria as I lost my mother those years ago. That history might repeat itself with me again powerless to alter fate's cruel trajectory.
Gingerly, I stretched out on the floor mattress beside Neeria so I could remain close, heedless of protocol. Lady Jinsun hovered anxiously nearby until I quietly bade her to check on Uhn Yuhn. After bowing in acquiescence, she departed to give us privacy.
Alone with Neeria, I caressed her cheek, distressed by the clammy sweat coating her skin. "Forgive my selfishness, but if you truly care for me, do not surrender your fight," I whispered.
I found myself fighting my inner child much too fearful to admit to myself I felt illogical guilt towards all that happened to her.
"Stay with me...do not journey to a place you think I cannot follow." I expressed to her.
My voice faltered as anguish constricted my throat. The day's sorrowful memories haunted me - my mother lying wan and wreathed in death, while I pleaded for her to tarry a little longer. She departed regardless, abandoning me.
I knew Neeria was not my mother; that long ago grief was different. I had found a way then to continue existing without the queen, though it left my heart sealed in permanent winter. I was willing to limit what I did to protect myself out of respect for what my mother passed away trying to do. I was willing to be as hardworking as I could be.
But the thought of losing Neeria...that would break and unmake me entirely. I was starkly aware that her loss would drive me to the brink of utter madness. Unlike the cold numbness left by my mother's passing, losing Neeria would mean losing all joy, light, and hope.
I would implore my wounded heart not to mend, refusing growth or healing from grief's gaping trauma. Though they call it strength to move on in time, I'd view it as betrayal to let her fade from memory's forefront. I would stand defiant, almost crazed, preferring endless sorrow if it kept her vibrant smile untarnished.
As days would stretch into years, that agony may burn hot and immediate as coals in my chest, searing through layers of apathy that peaceful healing may have brought in time. As they say when time heals it also slowly takes away. I found that only in mental agony is the memory of one you love so vibrant and fresh I'd cling desperately to that pain, its acuity proving that I hadn't forgotten a single cadence of her lilting voice.
That to me would feel like loyalty. Those who would say her spirit lives on in blithe remembrance know not the fierce devotion I would keep. Mine will never be the temperament to live and let go. Her every mannerism etched too deeply, her being interwoven into the fabric of my existence. Even anchored happily in the present I could never risk those memories dulling. Not when her brief presence here had blessed me with a joy exceeding all my prior imaginings, illuminating my dreary landscape with dazzling sun.
On the brightest days henceforth, I may smile but never fully. Upon hearing other lovers laugh, I may yearn to join them but refuse all the same. I would always hold a pocket of shadows where she once shone, my voluntary sentinel would keep watch long after her physical form has ceased to be. Jealous of how purely others now embrace life and love, having never known this piercing loss, I would only harden self-indulgently around my brokenness and call it honor. I would become content with steeping indefinitely in wistful tragedy if that maintained for both of us the only ending we knew.
I stopped myself, my roaming thoughts, and sighed as I returned to reality. Looking over Neeria once more, I accepted the truth: she had been cruelly robbed of so much stolen time already. I could not — would not — allow her remaining spirit to be prematurely extinguished from this world. Not when I finally had found the partner I wished to walk beside for all my days. She had to open her eyes once more, so I could see her living spirit reflected back at me. So I could tell her that, and more, as my thoughts danced.
"However... if you're too tired. Let me know, so I can prepare for my battle. So that I'm strong enough that even death would release you from my stubborn grip," I continued thickly, trying to steady my crumbling composure. "So do not test such a theory. Simply open your eyes, take my hand, and walk alongside me as you promised."
Neeria, of course, remained unresponsive, locked away in her feverish nightmare. Despair crept up on me again until a soft sound made me glance up. The Queen Dowager had entered the room on silent feet. Our eyes met, understanding flickering between us. She had remained steadfast as grief ravaged me years ago; she stood ready to bear my anguish again now.
At this realization, the fragile restraint on my emotions unraveled. With a choked sob, I clung tightly to Neeria's hand as my grandmother knelt to pull me into a consoling embrace, the river of sorrow flowing freely in the solace of her presence.
I am not certain how long my grandmother and I remained thus - her, patiently cradling me as I released wave after wave of suppressed anguish. The years of rigid self-control instilled since childhood fell away before heartache. Finally, grief's tempest passed, leaving me hollowed yet cleansed. With a shuddering sigh, I straightened, dashing the lingering moisture from my face. My grandmother studied me, her eyes kind yet shrewd.
"I know you fear I will insist you now turn your attention to Lady Minyoung," she remarked. "Rest assured, I shall not."
I blinked in surprise, not having expected such a perception. "The thought had crossed my mind, yes," I admitted. "But as I have already informed Minister Yoon - I will not take Lady Minyoung or any other as consort."
My grandmother waved a dismissive hand. "Minyoung may be of good lineage, but she possesses the warmth and charm of an icicle. She would be wretched company for my reserved grandson. I also know you wouldn't change your mind."
I could not help but chuckle at the biting assessment. Still, I felt compelled to stay silent.
" Still, You've been busy." She stated. I tensed at my grandmother's words, wondering if she intended to chastise me for my harsh handling of Minister Yoon earlier.
But instead, she beckoned me over to move closer beside her, her expression softening into one of concern.
"Tell me truthfully - is she really with child?" she asked gently.
" She is," I stated curtly. My grandmother sighed, a nostalgic sadness in her eyes as she gazed over at Neeria's still form. " She might've lost it and before you..." however I paused watching as she shook her head.
She sighed massaging her forehead gently, her frail hands trying to calm themselves. " It wasn't your mother's fault then to lose her child and it isn't this young woman's fault now." She sighed. " I know then it seemed I blamed your mother. I was just so adamant about her having a second son before her sister did. Because I knew the battle that would come from it."
" I don't blame the young prince for his mother's selfishness," I reassured her. " And I'm willing to speak for an heir as Neeria recovers... however until then...I want to ensure things are in place."
My grandmother's voice voice hitched slightly at the painful memory. Then she turned to me, tenderness and sympathy mingling on her features. "My poor boy, is your heart prepared for such trials again so soon?" She clasped my hand, her lined face creased with worry for me.
I squeezed her hand gratefully. "I have no choice but to be..." I trailed off as anguish choked my words." I trust that my mother isn't going to allow me to suffer another evil when she brought happiness to my door. I trust enough that my mother will advocate with the heavens on my behalf to have Neeria well."
" You're too wise beyond your years. Though it's your duty. It hurts me to see you hurt." My grandmother said as she reached up to cradle my face entreatingly. "Listen to me. If any part of you blames yourself." She paused. Hiring her chest gently. " blame me. Blame me for my crime of not being the mother I should've been for her." She paused. "What happened with your mother was beyond anyone's power to change. But this young lady yet clings to life - where there is life, there is hope."
I clung to her words, wanting desperately to believe them true.
"Have faith," she urged. "All will be well." She said as she gently tapped a finger over my heart.
Then she rose gracefully to her feet, gazing down at me with love and a hint of pride shining in her eyes. I swiftly stood as well to show proper respect.
"I expected you to be more curt regarding the matter," I admitted frankly, giving her a deep bow.
She looked back over her shoulder at Neeria's form, her expression contemplative. When she responded, it was with her usual blunt honesty.
"The girl has succeeded where countless others failed - she managed to draw you out from that library you had all but immured yourself within these past years," she pronounced.
A wry yet tender smile tugged at her lips. "Any young lady capable of breaking through your stubborn melancholy to reconnect you to the living has demonstrated remarkable spirit and ability. Qualities invaluable for any who would stand at a ruler's side."
I blinked, surprised by her assessment. Such pragmatic approval was high praise coming from my exacting grandmother.
Soon enough her smile faded to thoughtfulness as she met my gaze. "She makes you happy, in a manner I have not witnessed even when all was well."
She sighed a touch of melancholy in her eyes. "I am too old to stand in the way of anything - or anyone - who can revive the grandchild I love from the shadows that have plagued him."
I was touched by this unexpected show of support. On impulse, I reached out to squeeze her hands gratefully.
"Thank you for understanding. Your acceptance means the world to me." I stated."
Halmeoni patted my hand approvingly, pride shining in her expression. "I would expect no less from the stalwart Crown Prince you have become. Now I should leave you two be."
With a final encouraging smile, she withdrew, gliding serenely from the room and leaving me to my vigil. I sighed taking in her gaze once more.
Neeria's condition remained so fragile, while ominous rumblings from the northern border portended brewing trouble. I feared Seongyeon would capitalize on my distraction over Neeria's health to foment discord and even violence.
The faint creak of the door heralded another visitor - Lady Jinsun entering with a customary and quiet tread.
Straightening from my despondent vigil over Neeria, I beckoned the older woman closer. Her astute gaze took in my disheveled appearance, yet she diplomatically said nothing, awaiting my words.
"Lady Jinsun, please remain here to oversee the patients and staff in my absence," I requested wearily. "Attend diligently to both Lady Neeria and Uhn Yuhn as you have so well. Do not hesitate to recruit whatever additional servants you may need." I managed a wan smile. "And remember to take some rest yourself as well - we cannot have our capable guardian falling ill!"
Lady Jinsun bowed her grey-crowned head.
"Your will shall be done, Jeonha. I shall safeguard and attend to them."
" I'll visit as frequently as I can, however, I can't have her welcomed back into a palace in disarray under the excuse of watching after her." I sighed.
Lady Jinsun nodded sagely. "A wise course. I will safeguard things here." She gave Neeria's hand a gentle pat. "No harm will come to her on my watch, you have my word."
Profound gratitude welled up in me. Impulsively I covered her hand with my own. "I could ask for no better guardian for one so precious to me. I...I cannot lose her..." My control slipped, as my voice began cracking.
Lady Jinsun squeezed my hand supportively. "Then go with an untroubled mind and swiftly resolve matters. I will keep her candle-lit for your return. You won't return to find her fire prematurely extinguished." She stated.
I nodded in gratitude, feeling a small weight lift off my shoulders. After instructing Lady Hwayoung to assist in my absence, I made my way towards my father's chambers.
As I approached, I paused at the sight of General Yeongho kneeling before my father, his head hung low in a posture of deference or perhaps defeat. "What's going on here?" I inquired.
My father glanced in my direction, his expression unreadable. "Well, General Yeongho here has just arrived. It seems there's something he wishes to discuss," he stated, an air of curiosity in his tone.
I noticed the general's body tense slightly, a barely perceptible twitch betraying his inner turmoil. "If I may, Jeonha, I was hoping to speak with you privately," he requested.
I looked between the two men, sensing the discomfort that the general felt. Despite it being out of line I spoke. "You can speak to the king after I address this matter," I interjected, stepping fully into the room.
"Jeonha, I wish to discuss the matter of General Yeongho's proposed promotion," I began, getting straight to the point.
To my surprise, General Yeongho shook his head vehemently. "No, actually, I was going to ask to be... to be relieved of my duties. As I have..." His voice trailed off, unable to complete his thought.
"What?!" I exclaimed in dismay. I spun to face my father, forehead creased with confusion.
Without hesitation, I bowed to my father. "You're recovering, Jeonha. Allow me to speak with the general for a moment. We will return shortly; there seems to be a misunderstanding." With a firm hand, I guided General Yeongho outside the hall.
Ushering a reluctant General Yeongho into an empty chamber, I rounded on him. "What are you thinking, saying that in there? As a general, are you out of your mind? Who would allow you to step down in such a state?"
Yeongho grimaced, face grey with exhaustion. His usual taunting demeanor calmed. "You don't understand, Jeoha," he began. "My staying here poses more of a threat than assistance."
I sliced my hand through the air, cutting him off. "I frankly do not give a damn about your presumed nobility," I snapped.
I scoffed, running a hand through my hair in exasperation I began more annoyed than I wanted to be. Chest heaving, I took a step closer and jabbed my finger at his chest. "No more cowardice. No more secrets. Atone with action or condemn yourself utterly!"
"You will remain at your post, you will perform your sworn duty, and if you truly repent past sins, you will die defending those you have wronged!" I continued. " If you truly feel remorseful, let leading a defense be the only way you lose your life. And if you fear being labeled a traitor, then die protecting Neeria and the palace." I stated. I watched as he opened his mouth to speak.
"You will accept my offer, General, and you will do as I command," I added.
He hesitated, his eyes reflecting an internal struggle, then shook his head. "Jeoha, you're herding enemies into battle, hoping they'll fight by your side," he countered.
"I'm utilizing the resources at my disposal," I responded, gesturing towards the king's chamber. After a tense moment, he relented and headed inside.
I waited outside. Once he emerged, I gestured for the guards to keep a vigilant watch over my father's chamber, and checked on him once more, before leaving.
As we walked, General Yeongho paused, his demeanor shifting as Scholar Hyun Seok approached. "Jeoha, there you are," the scholar greeted me warmly.
I gave a nonchalant nod, observing as General Yeongho avoided eye contact and excused himself abruptly.
"Is everything alright?" Scholar Hyun Seok inquired, his brows knitting in concern.
I shrugged, taking the scrolls from his hand. "Don't mind him. Perhaps you've caught him off guard with your vigilance," I joked lightly.
The scholar scoffed softly, shaking his head, as we continued our walk, discussing palace matters.
Soon enough the evening met its end I found myself returning to the library. As quickly as I started, all came to an end as the tranquility of the library was shattered by a rapid, insistent knock. A commotion erupted outside, the guards' voices raised in a firm but futile attempt to bar entry. Despite their efforts, Ji-hye burst into the room, her entrance as frantic as her state of mind. Her hands were wringing in nervous agitation, her face etched with panic and guilt.
"What is the meaning of this intrusion?" I demanded. Her sudden appearance and the guards' lapse in protocol riled me.
Ji-hye's eyes were wide with fear, tears streaming down her cheeks. They flickered as she stumbled over her words. "Jeoha! I have done wrong, terribly wrong!" Her voice broke, the strain of her guilt evident in each word. "Lady Jinsun has abandoned me, and I've been reassigned, but... there's something more," she gasped, struggling to compose herself amidst her emotional turmoil.
Frantically, she rummaged through her hanbok, her movements hasty and uncoordinated. Her trembling hands finally produced a book, which she thrust onto the floor before me. "Lady Jeongsun... she instructed me to give this blend to the physician," she said, hastily flipping through the pages to a marked section. She pointed at a recipe, her finger quivering as it hovered over the page.
I observed her, trying to mask my growing agitation. The book contained information I was partly aware of, but the revelation of Lady Jeongsun's involvement was new and troubling. "This blend," I began, trying to suppress the skepticism I held and a barely concealed edge, "was not requested by Lady Minyoung?"
"No, no, Jeoha!" Ji-hye blurted out, her distress mounting. "It wasn't her, I swear. I... I heard about Lady Neeria's illness, and I... I never intended..." She stuttered, her eyes darting from the book to me, a plea for understanding. "I'm haunted, Jeoha. I can't sleep... Lady Jinsun has been... I didn't mean to..."
Her fragmented confessions roamed about, a chaotic maelstrom of fear and regret. But patience had its limits, and mine was wearing thin. Her continued pointing at herself, her claims of being haunted, only added to the victimization I felt she was attempting to portray as well as the unsettling nature of her confession.
Before she could continue, I gestured dismissively to one of the guards. "Remove her," I ordered, cutting off her pleas. As the guard approached, Ji-hye's pleas escalated. "Please, Jeoha! I'm not evil, I just..." Her voice trailed off. By the time she was outside, her cries for forgiveness were sung down the hallway.
Very quickly Hwa-young entered the room, her eyes briefly following her granddaughter's path before she turned to address me. "Your evening meal is prepared, Jeoha," she stated, her voice steady despite the recent commotion.
"I intend to dine with Neeria later," I informed her, my mind still preoccupied with Ji-hye's revelations and the book lying ominously in the center of the room.
Hwa-young nodded in understanding. "I will inform the kitchen," she said, moving to leave.
"Wait," I called out, pausing her departure. "I trust you do not harbor resentment towards me for this decision."
She turned back, her face a mask of resignation with a hint of sorrow. "I trust your judgment, Jeoha. I hold no fear for her welfare. It is my failure for not foreseeing the path my granddaughter chose. I will atone for it by ensuring your kindness is repaid," she spoke softly, her tone devoid of any accusation.
"It's a lesson she must learn," Hwa-young concluded.
She bowed and left the room, leaving me in the company of my thoughts and the book.
Clutching the book Ji-hye had thrust, I swiftly made my way back to Neeria's bed-chamber, a growing sense of unease quickening my steps.
Upon entering, I wordlessly presented the physician with the book, I quickly opened it to the marked section Ji-hye had frantically indicated. His eyes widened in dismayed recognition as he scanned the page.
"This herbal mixture...you say Lady Jeongsun ordered it administered?" He shook his head gravely. "Ingesting something so potent given Lady Neeria's fragile condition could have induced a crisis. Having a more clear visual of what it was she was given. I can better prepare a tonic."
I nodded leaving him to it, and once more having my meal with Neeria. Whenever duties permitted, I would steal away to Neeria's bedchamber, the one place where my restless spirit found solace. There I would have my meals brought, speaking with her as though she were merely slumbering, recounting palace events or childhood tales to fill the uneasy silence, or reading to her a book she picked out in the past.
Her motionless form frightened me less than the physician's grim shakes of the head each time he examined her. So I kept up a steady patter, brushing cooling cloths over her burning skin, administering droplets of water, and mixing herbs in the vain hope she would stir.
One particularly warm afternoon, I had just concluded relaying a humorously embarrassing mishap from my youth when I noticed beads of sweat gathering heavily along Neeria's hairline. As I gently dabbed at her glistening face, her head suddenly jerked, limbs spasming.
I leapt up, horrified, as her body contorted, back arching wildly off the mattress. She resembled a marionette with cut strings, limbs flailing outside her control, as her body continued shivering.
"Guards! Fetch the physician!" I bellowed in startled panic. Attempting to restrain Neeria's violent thrashing before she injured herself, I feared she was drawing her last agonized breaths.
Finally, the spasms eased and she collapsed limply back onto the sheets. I shot a fervent prayer of thanks towards the heavens as the doctor came rushing in on the guards' heels. As he hastily examined her, I hovered anxiously just outside his light.
"It is the fever," he pronounced at last. "It has reached a critical peak." He raised grave eyes to meet my frightened ones. "We can delay no longer with the pregnancy treatments, Highness. The next fit may well kill her." He stated as he softly wiped her lips of some of the blood that lingered out on them.
My heart twisted at his words. But with Neeria's life balancing on a knife's edge, the time for difficult decisions had run out. My jaw clenched with frustration as I imagined Lady Jeongsun callously risking an innocent life to further her schemes. The physician's next solemn words jarred me from my bitter reflections.
"We must act swiftly, Jeoha. Lady Neeria's fever climbs ever higher by the hour. Her body cannot endure much longer in such an agitated state without the correct treatments."
I lifted my gaze to where Neeria lay motionless amid the rumpled bedding, her bronzed skin glistening with sweat as her chest rose and fell in shallow, rasping breaths. Each labored inhalation sounded sharply in the apprehensive silence. The physician's unspoken words hung ominously in the air between us...she was slipping away, and we were nearly out of time.
Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I forced myself to ask the question that had been haunting me: " And you're sure..." I began. Despite how sure I told myself I was, having to say it felt like a prison. " You're sure she can't be saved, without bringing harm to the child she may carry?"
The physician hesitated, then spoke gently, as if to cushion the blow of his reply. "Her survival chances drastically improve if we relieve her body of the pregnancy's burden. Even if there was a chance. It's very unlikely. Administering the necessary treatments to..."
His voice trailed off, but there was no need to finish. I understood the grim implication all too clearly. This path - the only one offering a fighting glimpse of hope - could also wrench away the precious fledgling life we had only just discovered and scarcely dared to dream of. Fate had backed me into a corner, presenting me with an agonizing choice.
I prayed Neeria would one day find it in her heart to forgive me. Silently, desperately, I took her hand between both of mine, clinging as though I could unite her wavering spirit to this world through will alone.
As the dreaded words left my lips, ordering the mixture to be prepared, it felt as though a chasm had opened within me, my soul plunging into fathomless grief. I clung tighter to Neeria's limp hand as the physician bowed his head in acquiescence before turning away to solemnly gather his instruments.
Alone now, save for her ragged breathing, the tears I had been battling finally breached their crumbling defenses. Unashamed, I let them course down my face as I brought Neeria's fevered hand to my lips, fervently kissing every finger.
"Forgive me, my love...please forgive me," I choked out amidst ragged sobs. With infinite tenderness, I caressed her hollowed cheeks, where tears of my own dripped down to mingle with the sheen of sweat on her skin. Never had I felt so utterly helpless and lost.
I should have protected her from all harm. Yet now I was edicting the sacrifice of the child we had only just discovered she carried. Our child...who would never draw breath because I chose the anguish of losing another over her loss.
And how could she ever forgive me? Would she even still love the person I had forced myself to become in order to save her?
"Hate me if you must for what I have decided," I wept brokenly. "Curse my name to all the gods...but please, Neeria, live on so that you may do so! Just live...that is all I ask. I cannot lose you..."
Gently cradling her head, I pressed fervent, pleading kisses to her upturned face. Selfish as it seemed, I needed her by my side more than I could bear the thought of her resentment. For without her vivacious and steadfast spirit, the endless winter night would descend upon my soul once more. And this time, I feared the coming dawn would never manage to pierce such impenetrable darkness and rouse me again.
As I kept my solitary gaze over Neeria, the weight of what I had decided pressed unrelentingly upon my weary shoulders. Though it was the only way to ensure Neeria's continued place in this world, my heart shattered anew with each preparation the physician made for the solemn ritual ahead.
My arms curled protectively, yearningly, over Neeria's still-flat belly, underneath which our son or daughter yet stayed for this last lingering moment.
"Be at peace, little one," I whispered thickly, tears rising once more as I bowed my head over where our child rested. "Never doubt you were so deeply wanted and loved..."
I could not bring myself to voice the grief-stricken apology lodged in my throat. Instead, I pressed a shaking hand fervently where I imagined the child's tiny head to be.
"Go gently...and watch over your mother from the heavens," I managed brokenly. I prayed as I sat to their entwined heartbeats that this child would understand and forgive why I made this devastating choice - and that one day, hopefully far in the future, we might meet again under gentler skies.
For now, the physician stood ready with the preparations. With a final whispered farewell, I moved aside, unable to watch as he efficiently went to work.
Jaw clenched against the anguished howl building in my chest, I could only clutch Neeria's hand and pray her spirit remained anchored... and that she would still want my hand to cling to when she awoke to bitterly mourn our loss.
As the night drew on, its silent hours punctuated only by the soft sounds of Neeria's breathing, I remained steadfastly by her side.
The physician's herbs noticeably began to take effect, and slowly, almost imperceptibly, Neeria's tense features softened, her body relaxing into a more peaceful state. The fever that had scorched her skin began to wane, and the shallow, hurried breaths became deeper and more rhythmic.
Exhaustion weighed heavily upon me, a mantle I could no longer hold at bay. My eyelids fluttered closed, surrendering to the pull of sleep, yet my hand remained clasped with hers, an unspoken vow to be there when the new day dawned.
In the deep stillness of the night, as imagined the pale moonlight filtered through the paper screens, casting a soft glow over us, I felt it. A faint pressure against my hand - a subtle, yet undeniable sign of her presence.
It was as though Neeria, even in her weakened state, was reaching out across the void of unconsciousness. That was enough to wake me up.
The subtle touches, like whispers of hope, continued for a day or two, each as fleeting and fragile as a morning mist. Despite the exhaustion that clung to me like a second skin, I found myself drawn to Neeria's bedside each evening after the day's work.
One evening, as dusk settled its somber cloak over the world, I made my habitual visit to Neeria's room. The halls of our residence were hushed, except for the occasional creak of old wood or the distant murmur of servants.
Upon my arrival at Neeria's quarters, I found Lady Jinsun and Uhn Yuhn taking out a fresh basin of water. I expressed my gratitude to them for their unwavering service, noting the fatigue etched on their faces, a mirror of my weariness. They bowed and withdrew, leaving me to take over the watch.
I was too exhausted to consider food or any other worldly concern. Making space beside her, I settled down, the closeness offering a silent solace. The familiar scent of her presence embraced me.
What felt like a short moment, soon became what cut through my thoughts, the sound of soft cries tore me from the depths of sleep.
Disoriented, I blinked against the dim light, my heart pounding with sudden fear. Looking towards Neeria's direction, I saw her in distress. My heartbeat hurried, as I reached out unsure if I was dreaming or if it was truly her I saw before me.
" Neeria... Neeria.." I whispered finding my forehead onto her. I softly wiped her tears. " Are you okay? Are you in pain?" I asked. My mind was disconnected unsure how to find the words to speak in the relief I felt, but the worry I had. She was visibly trying to hold back tears.
Her voice, when it finally emerged, was a mere shadow of its former self, hoarse and fragile from disuse. It was as though the fever had not only waged war on her body but also stolen the melody of her speech, leaving behind a rasp.
As her gaze slowly traversed the room, taking in the familiar yet distant surroundings, her eyes held confusion and a dawning awareness. They moved from the simple furnishings to the door, where the shadows played, and the candlelight in her eyes. In her eyes, there was a hint of the grace and elegance she had always carried effortlessly, but fractured in ways I couldn't define. She knew and she knew I knew.
Each movement was tentative as if she were relearning the language of her own body, rediscovering the physical presence she had once commanded with such natural ease.
As Neeria's fragile hands drifted across her stomach, the growing awareness in her eyes shattered my heart. Her head began to shake, slowly at first, then more fervently, denial etching deep lines on her ashen face.
"No...no..." Her ravaged voice emerged as a tortured rasp, each repetition like a dagger piercing my soul. Still, that gentle headshake continued, even as tears welled up to trickle down hollowed cheeks.
I reached for her trembling hands, enveloping them in mine, though they clutched unconsciously at the fabric over her womb. As if she could shield or reclaim the life once sheltered there.
"Neeria, my love..." I choked out, barely recognizing my voice through the remorse strangling me.
At my touch, her flooded eyes finally met mine. The naked anguish and betrayal in their dark depths cut to the bone. This was far worse than hatred or fury. It was grief - inconsolable and taunting. Her quivering chin and breathless whimpers.
I could not stop my tears from falling freely as I gathered her into my embrace. She collapsed against me. Still, her hands clung desperately across her barren belly, as if they alone could resurrect the baby she would now never cradle.
"Forgive me..." It was all I could whisper into her Afro, the words utterly inadequate yet true.
"No... I.. no." Her voice was a broken whisper, a refrain of denial that painted the hurt within. "It's.. my... fault," she murmured almost to herself, a confession borne from a place of deep, misplaced guilt. "I couldn't, I couldn't protect our child. I'm sorry."
"You did no wrong, my love," I began whispering back, as I held her closer. Her hand, trembling and delicate, grazed the fabric of my hanbok, clinging to the lining as if seeking an anchor in the sea of her emotions.
As I held her, a silent plea for help escaped my lips, calling for a servant to fetch the physician. All the while, I cradled Neeria tenderly, feeling her body shudder with each sob, her grief a visible presence in the quiet room.
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