Hello. I was able to recover some old ideas and started writing them down. I lost some of the original chapters of this story so I had to rewrite some of the chapters. I hope you like them. More chapters coming your way. Happy reading.
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Clear transparent drops of liquid fell from both quivering eyes of the man clutching a piece of paper. He pushed away wisps of hair away from his woeful face but didn't even tried to wipe the tears on his cheeks. He had been battling with himself whether he would read her letter or not. For the second time in his pathetic little life, he was scared. Too scared of what he will see and feel after he opened the securely stamped envelope in his hand. He couldn't decide what he should do next that he even had to slug nine glasses of Firewhisky. He knew that this moment isn't the time to be in a inebriated state but all he just wanted was to ease the agony and regret that was crashing over him.
After gulping the tenth glass of alcohol, he roughly ripped the envelope open. Moments later, he began cursing himself wishing he hadn't touched the letter at all. He could feel his heart crack little by little as he read the divine words from the letter as if they were recited by the sender...
Professor Snape,
The moment this letter reaches you, I had made a decision that will greatly affect my life. I've decided to accept a certain offer I thought I would never consider, not even in a dream. I ask for forgiveness if I had wronged you or hurt you. It was never my intention to bring distress to you.
I have my own reasons why I had to leave, but I don't want to instil any guilt in your heart that you pushed me to place such an act of judgment. This decision was under my full discretion. I had to find myself and correct some mistakes I did because of my foolishness. I left not because you asked me to leave your sight forever but to search for an antidote in my indisposition.
Everytime I see you, I feel like I'm a mere stone. There had always been a voice inside me telling me the truth that you will never see me. I am nothing but a shadow. Meeting your eyes means a lot to me. But your eyes stare back at me and they're both dull and empty. Something there is missing but is never found, nor ever be found. Now matter how much I try, my heart is incessantly aching. Your gaze illicitly enters my trembling body. I let you touch my innermost core but you only let me sear your outermost exterior.
I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye knowing it would be worthless. You wouldn't feel anything about this and would even think that I am just seeking for mercy. But I am not.
I hope one day I don't have to writhe in pain whenever I hear your name. I don't have to force back tears because of you again and I will feel nothing at all should we ever had to see once more. And on that day, your memory will just be a mere stone, an epitaph of an inspiring person I met once in my life.
Respectfully yours,
Ms. Granger
A more brazen storm of emotions broke down from him that he felt his temples hurt. He slowly took the letter and placed it near his dying heartbeat. He hated himself more than ever. He didn't want to be himself anymore.
He always hated people coming to his life. He despised attachments above all. Every time he met someone, he got sincerely attached to them but when the time comes, he was always left alone. He feared relationships and intimate connections. He isolated himself from everyone. He prevented himself from having any conversation with any of his classmates or even acquaintances. He wouldn't even dare approach his parents anymore.
He didn't know what he was doing. He was avoiding people because he doesn't want to feel pain and desolation by being hurt and alone. How stupid he was. He thought isolating himself will save him from heartbreak but he was just destroying himself all along.
The night lost its former glory as he fell from his chair and the glass on his hand fell and broke. It had only been three days since she left. Why does it have to be this painful? He broke her like this glass. Just like what he did to everyone else.
Minutes later of weeping, his eyes drifted close as sleep took over him like an unforced nightmare.
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He was half-asleep. No he was resting but awake. But maybe he was asleep, is he not?
Maybe he was asleep. He fell from his chair because of absolute intoxication but then he heard something. A familiar voice. He quickly looked around to know who it was. A familiar face. Is this for real or he was just imagining things? Is this all inside his head?
He slowly touched her face and he was utterly shocked. She felt so alive. He was seeing her. He was actually seeing her. The place suddenly resembled the place they were before. The cherry-sweet smell of the morning air, the delicate sound of rustling leaves.
"Severus..."
"Lily, how... how are you here?" his face was distorted in surprise but his misery overpowered him that all he could do was cry.
The female gave him a soft look and slowly backed away when he tried to come near her. She was shaking her head in disapproval hoping he would stop coming towards her. Snape understood her actions and pursued her no more.
"Lily, I love you. I always had. You are the reason why I had to wake up and face another day even if every day reminds me that I will never see you again. Forgive me... I never wanted to hurt you."
He ignored himself that he almost sounded like his student from the letter and didn't care. If this was a dream, he would stay in this somnolent state forever.
"You don't love me. You never loved me Sev. You only wanted me by your side as an ally. A trophy meant to display, for the world to see that you are not revelling in the sorrow."
Her words created an explosion in his heart which made him lose control and focus.
"No, I love you. You are the only one for me."
"I was you friend. That is what I will always be. If you truly loved me, you should have let me go a long time ago. You chose to cling to my memory barely giving anyone a chance to enter your life. If you really loved me, you would be happy for me knowing that I am happy regardless of who the person I chose to say the words 'I love you' with."
He couldn't reply to what she had told him. He only closed his eyes hoping this dream would finally be over. He hated that he only had to see her only to be slapped by a horrific truth.
If she wasn't love, then what is? Who is? He opened his eyes and he was back to his old, dusty room like before.
He wiped his face and tried to conceal his handsome face with his hands.
"I don't know what love feels like. I don't even know what love is."