This review is for shiteutea with The Guardian's Gift. It was completed by Nikachu22.
Main focus: Plot, pacing, characters, description, overall enjoyment as a reader
The review:
The first part of the chapter's pacing here was not slow at all. A lot of emotion fed this so, the pace was quick to accommodate his high anxiety. I enjoyed being hit with a heavy emotional scene that would set the tone I expected from the rest of the reading, but then found out that the level of emotions explained here isn't the same as I kept reading on. This man here is flawed to perfection. You kind of did a lot of explaining without all the extra details.
For starter choice, delivering action before eventually mellowing out actually draws attention to a book. This is very interesting. As I read on, I have to ask-- is he twelve years old? I thought at first, he was talking about the assassination he was worried about. Saying something like a 12-year-old nobody seems to be in reference to no one would suspect him as a 12-year-old nobody.
The paragraph when he slips needs a little editing. His should be the and ground should be floor. Because he's inside/in a bathroom the word floor would be more suitable and though it is his home/room, to say his cold, hard ground in a way doesn't feel right upon reading.
The part where his fate is sealed and he's going into hellfire, the mention of the twelve-year-old is back, but I think it would be better during his panic to give a little insight on the girl. It's stated it was a girl that he wanted dead, but that was it only to then be hit further down the chapter about a twelve-year-old nobody, but who's that? Make it clear she's the twelve-year-old as he's on the phone so then when you deliver the information later, everything is on track. When you suddenly drop mentions like this without a clear tone as to who you're talking about in a way it can confuse people.
The first 1/3 of the story sounds like an opening to an Asian tv show, only to then introduce the main character and jump start the plot. I honestly thought it was about the guy in the bathroom, but then remembered the blurb and how nothing added up only to then come to this conclusion and everything started to make sense. The way you write also seems more fitted to someone explaining their very own drama.
At some point the first chapter then becomes a bit overwhelming (when you begin to draw out her watching his life). We are instantly thrown into the life of the other MC, and it seems a lot of information is being dumped without moving the plot along at all. The chapter becomes insanely large due to this.
A lot of this information can be dispersed around the story, when the characters interact or maybe given when the story picks up a little. She remembers something or relates a time in his life to him now as maybe he's doing something, and she just gets lost in thought during it. There are many instances that can be used if you'd like the readers to know she knows so much about his history, but I don't think dumping it in the first chapter is a good idea.
Also, if you're adamant on keeping this piece in the chapter then I'd say maybe thin it out a lot. Take out a lot of the detail on the scenes and have them a little rushed, only to come back later in the story and brush on them with more detail.
The second chapter's opening is beautiful. She innocently observes herself, but then she realizes just what she is and finds her heartbeat. The description is very good, and the scene can be pictured as it matches her airy personality thus far. Her background in the heavenly world and her actions now add up perfectly because that's to be expected.
The pacing is very slow. Chapters hold multiple scenes which results in them being excessively large. What I use to question the development of the plot is I simply ask myself 'Can I skip over this entire part and not have to be worried about something I missed later on?'
This is where I wean out filler vs the actual story moving (plot). I think when a book has so many scenes piled into chapters, filler becomes the dominant aspect here. It leaves a lack of plot twists and stalls the story which causes a loss of interest. I fell asleep while reading this.
Let me clarify I do not know these characters. I only do fanfics that do not require knowledge of anything prior to judging. While having any insight on their story/character/where they come from isn't needed here, I think your story does require someone to know how these characters look so that as they read, they already have the general idea of the characters the story is referring to.
I do enjoy MC and her personality, and I can understand she is from a place with no flaw, but it would have been nice to see as she came down to earth that she has some kind of flaw like all humans do. She would then struggle and become relatable. Right now, she is portrayed as perfect even to the eyes of humans. The only thing that hinders her is her holier than thou personality, but that's not a flaw it's just who she is and where she came from. Nothing is a flaw when you originate from heaven. She's kind of represented as perfect which in a way no character should be perfect because it helps with character development/portrayal.
This places a shield between her being relatable at all. The only way I feel someone would accept her as that would be because they already like her character outside of the fanfic. I think she needs some grounding and some flaws. Though she comes from the heavens, and she's watched people all their lives, she struggles speaking English, but that only lasts about 10 seconds before she is very fluent in it.
As she's experiencing things, she should feel human emotions with more elaboration. The guy comes up to her and tries to rape and kill her it seems, and she forgives him. It would have been better for her character wise to be on earth so her body experiences human emotions. Unbeknownst to her, she was riddled with an uncontrollable sense of... fear. She doesn't understand it and it freaks her out more than the guy himself and then as he's laid out by the other guy punching him, she goes to check on him but freezes because another emotion hinders her... She has a lot of composure.
Also having her speak in her native tongue sometimes, but then as they are all looking at her oddly, she is rushed with embarrassment and finds herself having to recover from... awkwardness.
There's a lot of things this character could have fed off that would push her in a realm where she is with total flaw even as someone of perfection. Her perfection diminished once she entered our world. Here in the human world no one is perfect.
Your descriptions when you're describing things and events are really good. You can turn those into a chapter that's how creative you are, but I think in some way you lack describing emotions because of how stale she is as a character. You skimmed over her emotional responses, but some I'd liked to have felt the level of depth to better understand the character behind them.
The event where she meets Seokjin, her emotions are surface described but in order to harvest this, you must put yourself in her shoes and feel what she feels. She's meeting a person she has followed for so long, in a foreign realm now where I suspect emotions and flaws do not exist in that heaven. She should be overwhelmed and physically suffering too.
Her heartbeat, maybe a shiver, shudder, cold sweat, she could hear her own heart which makes her feel a bit faint, but she has to keep herself up or her darting eyes and confusion riddles her. Movements help too and using the location does as well. Maybe her hands curl tightly into her palm, pressing her nail into her skin which stuns her, and she can't understand why she'd do this. Maybe the rush of emotions is so strong, her eyes develop tears and swell before a single drop stains her cheek which catches her off guard and she goes to wipe it before anyone had seen, but in the end she's confused because of the internal battle that's all colliding inside of her. She's used to seeing him in the clouds but here is flesh and blood and curiosity sparks?
Overall, the story is good, but the movement speed is very slow. A character's whereabouts during the entire time they spend at a location doesn't need to be explained. Feel free to skip over certain events.
You are a talented writer, and you show no fault in your description as they are very powerful. I thank you for giving me a chance to read this and review it. I think with just a little more tweaking everything will be alright. By no means is this review set to diminish your talent as a writer and do not feel that your abilities to produce the amount of writing you've done as a bad thing in this book.
Plot Development: 5/10
Pacing and Fluidity: 5/10
Characters Portrayal/Development: 5/10
Description: 10/10
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
Overall score: 33/50