This review is for shiteutea with The Guardian's Gift. It was completed by Nikachu22.
Main focus: Plot, pacing, characters, description, overall enjoyment as a reader
The review:
The first part of the chapter's pacing here was not slow at all. A lot of emotion fed this so, the pace was quick to accommodate his high anxiety. I enjoyed being hit with a heavy emotional scene that would set the tone I expected from the rest of the reading, but then found out that the level of emotions explained here isn't the same as I kept reading on. This man here is flawed to perfection. You kind of did a lot of explaining without all the extra details.
For starter choice, delivering action before eventually mellowing out actually draws attention to a book. This is very interesting. As I read on, I have to ask-- is he twelve years old? I thought at first, he was talking about the assassination he was worried about. Saying something like a 12-year-old nobody seems to be in reference to no one would suspect him as a 12-year-old nobody.
The paragraph when he slips needs a little editing. His should be the and ground should be floor. Because he's inside/in a bathroom the word floor would be more suitable and though it is his home/room, to say his cold, hard ground in a way doesn't feel right upon reading.
The part where his fate is sealed and he's going into hellfire, the mention of the twelve-year-old is back, but I think it would be better during his panic to give a little insight on the girl. It's stated it was a girl that he wanted dead, but that was it only to then be hit further down the chapter about a twelve-year-old nobody, but who's that? Make it clear she's the twelve-year-old as he's on the phone so then when you deliver the information later, everything is on track. When you suddenly drop mentions like this without a clear tone as to who you're talking about in a way it can confuse people.
The first 1/3 of the story sounds like an opening to an Asian tv show, only to then introduce the main character and jump start the plot. I honestly thought it was about the guy in the bathroom, but then remembered the blurb and how nothing added up only to then come to this conclusion and everything started to make sense. The way you write also seems more fitted to someone explaining their very own drama.
At some point the first chapter then becomes a bit overwhelming (when you begin to draw out her watching his life). We are instantly thrown into the life of the other MC, and it seems a lot of information is being dumped without moving the plot along at all. The chapter becomes insanely large due to this.
A lot of this information can be dispersed around the story, when the characters interact or maybe given when the story picks up a little. She remembers something or relates a time in his life to him now as maybe he's doing something, and she just gets lost in thought during it. There are many instances that can be used if you'd like the readers to know she knows so much about his history, but I don't think dumping it in the first chapter is a good idea.
Also, if you're adamant on keeping this piece in the chapter then I'd say maybe thin it out a lot. Take out a lot of the detail on the scenes and have them a little rushed, only to come back later in the story and brush on them with more detail.
The second chapter's opening is beautiful. She innocently observes herself, but then she realizes just what she is and finds her heartbeat. The description is very good, and the scene can be pictured as it matches her airy personality thus far. Her background in the heavenly world and her actions now add up perfectly because that's to be expected.
The pacing is very slow. Chapters hold multiple scenes which results in them being excessively large. What I use to question the development of the plot is I simply ask myself 'Can I skip over this entire part and not have to be worried about something I missed later on?'
