Review of Intoxicated Temptation by Josiebella3. This review is by craftychicken.
Title 5/5 The title makes sense for the story and it is quite catchy.
Cover 2/5 I'm not a huge fan of the cover. I'd recommend finding a cover shop. You can get great looking covers from people in return for following them and giving them a shout out. The Blossom Community actually has a graphic shop. I'd suggest giving them a look.
Blurb 4/5 Your blurb is perfectly fine as it is. I just think there's a couple of things you could do to make it even better.
First chapter 8/10 The first chapter is fine but my main issue is that I don't see why this needs to be a prologue. A prologue is usually set earlier than when the story takes place. As we get Brielle's POV in the prologue then Mason's POV in the next chapter, it doesn't make much sense for this to be a prologue.
Characters 11/15 The characters are ok but I just have a suggestion which I'll discuss more in the review.
Plot 18/20 The plot is set up nicely. Again just one suggestion I have which I'll discuss more in the review.
Grammar/ vocabulary 17/20 Just a few small problems I noticed. Again I'll explain in the review.
Writing 9/10 The writing's fine. It just didn't quite make the mark of a 10. There's nothing wrong with it though.
Personal enjoyment 8/10
Total 82/100
Review
This story was perfectly fine as it is. Honestly there is nothing that is horribly wrong with it. Your writing is ok and there's nothing which is dragging your story down too much. I'll explain each of the things you requested me to focus on one at a time. So firstly, the title. The title makes sense for the story and honestly, I really like it. It's short and snappy and it makes sense for the story. It is very hard for a title to make sense after just five chapters so well done.
Secondly, the flow of the story. The story moves along nicely and at a steady pace. It doesn't feel too slow or too fast. The only issue I have is that you sometimes break away from the story to describe things. Like Brielle's parents' jobs, or give us a physical description of our characters. If you are struggling to describe your characters' looks I often find that it helps to have another character describe them. Also describing their parents' jobs may be easier to do in one or two sentences. Perhaps you can have Brielle's mother say something to her, then describe how she talks to her like a child, which makes sense as she writes children's books. This way the reader will understand what her parents' jobs are without having to take a pause in the story.
Third, the characters. This was the main thing I think you could work on. So, this may be a little long.
So, in a romance novel, the main plot is of course, romance. You know as a reader that the main thing that will happen by the end of the story is that two characters will fall in love. This means that you usually have a subplot of something else going on. Maybe our main characters have their own issues. Maybe one of them has a big secret that no one else knows about. I know this might not make much sense so I'll use an example of a famous romance book. (I know this is not the same age range as yours but this brings my point across)
It ends with us by Colleen Hoover. At its core this is a romance novel. But alongside the main plot we have several subplots. We have flashbacks of the main character talking about a romance she had when she was younger and we have her fulfilling her dream of opening a flower shop.
This means that there are other things which help the reader stay interested. Luckily you are only a few chapters into writing this, so this won't be too difficult to add in. Here's a few ideas for some things you could include:
Brielle could have issues with one or both of her parents.Mason could have some embarrassing thing he did at his last school that he wants to stay secret.Brielle could have a secret blackmailer, threatening to tell her parents that she slept with Mason.Mason's ex girlfriend could be kept a secret. Maybe Mason tells us that he knows her but not how. Then include some flashbacks of their relationship and how it broke off.
Of course you don't have to use any of these. I just think it could make your story even better.
The vocabulary is fine. Just one problem with the grammar. You continually put full stops/ periods in the wrong place. Also you use commas when they are not necessary. When a character is asking a question, there's no need for a comma after the question mark. Here's an example:
"What would you like to eat?", she asked.
The comma is unnecessary. It can be removed. And a full stop/ period needs to be inside the speech marks.
Like this:"I've made dinner." She calls from the kitchen.
Instead of
"I've made dinner". She calls from the kitchen.I hope this helps. :)
Lastly, just one extra thing. The blurb. While I think your blurb is fine as it is, it could be even better. Here's a slightly edited version of your blurb. (I hope you're not offended by me rewriting it)
After getting drunk last night, Brielle wakes up to find herself with a raging headache and a surprise. She's not in her own bed. She turns to find her best friend's brother.
After trying to recall the events of the previous night, Brielle discovers there are lapses in her memory and can't recall everything. She sneaks out, vowing to pretend that nothing happened between them. As they don't live in the same city that should be easy right?
As school season approaches, Brielle returns to school, hoping to put the past behind her. Unfortunately, that may not be possible. She's dumbfounded to discover that Mason, her best friend's brother, will be spending senior year at her school. It seems that putting the past behind her is no longer an option. So what happened that night? And will Mason continue to be a thorn in her side?
I hope that's not too different from your current blurb.
I really hope I've helped you with this review. I've tried to be as kind as possible but if I have offended you at all I'm very sorry. I hope I have helped you on your writing journey. I can see that you have potential to become very successful.
Thank you for allowing me to review your book for you and I wish you all the best on your writing journey.
Craftychicken :)
Thank you :)
