Lawless Heaven by AshlynLynx. This review was done by Nikachu22.
Focus: Just be honest, I use weird language and generally try to have fun with my prose. I'm not sensitive, be shameless and as detailed as you'd like in your critique.
In this review I give focus to the things I saw flawed. The things I do not mention are the things that are fine. Grammar/Punctuation, Plot Development (the story is moving along) Vocabulary and Mechanics, Opening Chapter, all fine. The cover, title and blurb of your story are also all done well. Even though there is only one speech bubble in the blurb, it is written well enough to spark curiosity.
I like the pictures at the beginning of each chapter as they all seem to present a deep meaning before the reading begins.
What I find to be an issue is the size of some of the chapters.
Pacing and Fluidity: They are rushed and you sometimes jump from one thing to another really quickly instead of building up. This messes with the appropriate details needed to 1. Really grasp a story and 2. Really grasp the characters. The Orator just seems to pop in and out as he pleases as this is ok for a character like him, but then the other characters do that as well. What may help here is adding details so that we can feel the scenes. Slowing what is happening, building the suspense and then hitting the speed bumps (plot twists). Where are the plot twists?
Maybe a small introduction about a twig snapping and a character hears it, but it's one of them approaching in the distance. Very subtle movements of the elements could grant the opening needed to clench the details and prolong the scenes. An example of the scenes moving too fast; Orator and Eli are chatting. He tells him to stay away from Melody. That same sentence The Orator leaves. Next sentence he's chatting with Melody. He gets close to her, she yelps. Next, Eli appears. There's no depth of what makes a scene/setting mixed with characters solid.
Your words are very different in text, so much so that you type in an understanding that only you can understand at times. What I mean by this is, you're not typing for the readers to soak the book in for what it is worth--understand, but by that which you already know because you are the author of the book. You know the paths you're taking. Ends up confusing a reader because they do not know what it is that you already do about your story. Some scenes unfolded as such forcing me to decipher what had been going on or ways I could relate to the characters. It took a few tries and another way of thinking to understand rather than just me reading a book with a stable flow.
Your word choices, though rather refined, also crosses a line in which sometimes it seems like your own little creative language.
What I'd suggest without diminishing your abilities is to simplify some things with details to give the depth to your chapters. The majority of readers do not sit with thesaurus at hand and what you want to do is focus on that. Dropping a little bit here and there is fine, or even putting it in smaller descriptive paragraphs too, but having it everywhere becomes a confusion of knowledge and mess. Your brain is quite big for your head. There were instances where some scenes were quite confusing and all in all what happened was that took away the depth of your creativity. You do well with describing a scene but there's a struggle when grasping the characters which I'll exaplain next.
Complexity isn't always needed as if not understood then how can one convey properly?
Characters: Another main focus here for me is the lack of personalities and being able to relate to the characters. They're all pretty stale without having distinction or hardly any personality. The Orator himself is the most stale, but he's fine as this seems to be someone of his character's role. What happened to everyone else?
When the Orator came close to Melody, all she did was yell "Don't touch me!"
Where is the depth of her reaction? She was opposed to him touching her, but why?
Was she just someone who didn't like getting touched? Did she just not like the Orator? How did she feel at that moment? Shocked? Scared? Heart-racing? Her yelling without any detail on how she felt gives no depth to her. All of the characters are written surfacely, which diminishes character portrayal. Characters lead a story. Their reactions, the distinction in personalities and the strength of their drive in the story. They are hidden behind the way you write.
When they interact with eachother, I see a lot of talking, but that's it. Most of the speech ends with (blank) said or (blank) added. Where are their emotional reactions inside of the conversation that gives them more than just a text? What do they see? How do they feel in detail? We all experience physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain and to fully be able to grasp these concepts in writing will form some pretty strong characters. These things are important and most reading's do not give the characters the shine they deserve. None of the characters were relatable to me. Half the time I didn't even know who they were. Robotic reactions. I think a character dissection is needed and each personality is given specific traits and then portrayed in that manner.
Characters become too perfect, without flaw and that becomes an issue on character portrayal as well as growth.
The chapter of them being prisoners, where was the depth? They both had a puzzled look on their faces. They get thrown into a cage and all one does is stick his nose through the bars? The other just sits in a corner. No real human reactions at all. Did the Orator kind of turn off everyone's personalities?
If you can work on these things, you'd have a powerhouse story. Thank you for allowing me to review your story. Don't ever stop writing.
If I had to give a score, it'll be as followed:
Title, Cover and Blurb: 9/10
Opening Chapter - 10/10
Pacing and Fluidity - 9/20
Character Portrayal - 5/20
Plot Development - 10/10
Vocabulary and Mechanics - 20/20
Total: 63
